Reinhard Gouw's Journal

Source: jessyelouise.blogspot.com

There was a time in my life where I was crawling on the ground, looking up. Some of you may have known that story. Then the wheel of life turned and I was blessed with magnificent change. I got the chance to engage in a great dance journey,  made a lot of achievements, became a senior in university organizational life. My life changed, a lot. I felt proud, and obviously confident in myself. Who I was, who I would be. 

Time passed by. It's been telling me many things about life. About my family, about working for money, about the real world and mostly about myself; and everything is not as beautiful as I thought it was. I used to believe in so much positiveness, I even dreamt about being someone who spreads positiveness throughout life. Inspire people, being both an informal and a formal motivator. But honestly all along, I've been running with scars on my back. 

I didn't realize that all this way, I ran only to lose my religion, throw money away for nothing, hurt so many people, and ruin my own ideal image of me. I've become someone I never wanted to be. Five years ago, I never thought I'd be this someone. I guess I'm disappointed with myself, and it doesn't only rest as a feeling. It's been leeching happiness and positiveness away from me. At some points, I feel so dry and small, I feel distant and so lost.

So now let me stop promising, stop pretending to be perfect, stop running like everything's OK. I don't want to promise myself much anymore. I won't promise to be a motivator or such. I won't promise to always be perfect. I only want to try, and yes, that's the only thing I can do now, To remove this leech off of me.