Reinhard Gouw's Journal

"Where did I begin?
Turning through the pages
But I don't know what I've read
Tread is wearing thin
Everything's familiar
but I don't know who I am."


I think I've been gone for too long. Well, the date on my last post proves me wrong, but believe me. That's not me. Or at least, that's another version of me.

I'd like to call him Alton Tam. Let me describe him for you.
Well, he's bolder, he feels sorry a lot less than me, he's more rude, he's tougher, he's proud of his villain attitude, he doesn't care about his nasty attitude, he says bad words more, he hates people he doesn't fancy and enjoy watching them in a bad shape, he's driven by hostility, he loves revenge, he owns his own world.
And to be honest, it felt good being him.

Well it feels like a current life mission for me to be a lot bolder, to not bother about anyone's perception when I know I didn't do anything wrong for myself. Being this Alton Tam helps me reach that. But living his life for too long can really break myself. I got into this peak horrible time when I don't know who I was anymore, I even do bad things I never expected myself to do. I felt horrible, painfully exhausted and I knew that I really needed to be fixed. I've gone too far being him. So I finally tried and turned it off.

Now let me accept who I am just a little.
I am not a person who's bold enough to say "NO" everytime. I think too much of what people think of me. I don't want them to leave me so I always give them my good side. My world is mostly constructed of what people want it to be. Well I still love revenge, but I don't really hold hostility that much. The good thing is: I live peacefully with this.
Although I'm not as bold as Alton, as careless about people's prejudice as him, and I barely hold my own world.

I know that I have to learn Alton's positive sides and be better with it. It just still feels hard to separate his positive with negative sides. It feels like a whole set that I should indulge. As time goes, I hope that I can separate them and learn to be better..


Do you know that I still have another version of me?  I do, but he doesn't really show up these days. Maybe someday, I'll introduce him to you. It's actually someone I don't recognize that deep. I can't really tell how and who he is. Well maybe I'm a weirdo that thinks he has alter egos. haha. I don't. They're just some selves that are really different one another and the thing is, they're inside me. Maybe I should blend them as one somehow.

I've been an ass these days and bad news is, I like it.
The 10 things I would want to do if I I actually get to turn bad:

1. Act like an ass to whoever I don't fancy
2. Make bad people's lives miserable
3. Turn into vampire and hurt whoever I want, but promise to keep them alive
4. Put big shame on those who disrespect me
5. Do whatever I want without anyone able to stop me
6. Play mind games and trick everyone into believing me
7. Fool people and see them shocked and amazed
8. Do revenge and make the worst regret of their life
9. Have people mess with me and find out that it was a bad idea
10. Fast, tricky, foxy, easily lose track of

I guess I can't and I won't. haha

I still can't quite arrange my time well.There's too much to be done and prepared.
I start to have this bomb in me.
Try me and I'll explode.
I think I'm getting crazy.

"Hello world, hope you're listening. Forgive me if I'm young, for speaking out of turn."

Feet crossed, breeze around, freedom bracelets on my left hand, and a little time to write down.
Perfect moment in these busy weeks.

I should've been digging my creativity for an audition, but I decided to back down. I think it's not the field I should be in anymore, at least for this moment. It's the first time I start to try and see a bigger picture of me, a few years in front of me.

Since the start of this year I've been listening to lectures, speeches, and all the paragraphs telling me to find and be myself, and start planning who and what I will be years in front.
People look to me as a planner, always ready and prepared, and that I am all set for the future.
To be honest, I don't know.

The path way in front is all blurry.
All I know is I wanna be an inspiration. I want to create an impact. I want to change the way youth think of themselves and live. I want them to find who they are, live who they are, and rebel against other people's prejudice. But the current fact is that I haven't even know how to complete those tasks myself. haha
It leaves my future hanging.
I don't know.

I also often realize that I can't quite differ my personas (masks in psychology, what you put on when you're with certain people) and my real self.
I don't know.

Other than this blurry future thing, I have another thing that bugs me.
Sometimes, I get this jealousy of watching other people's success that shows that they are better than me. It happens even towards my closest friends. Especially when I already trusted myself that I'm better in that thing. When they actually did it better, I would lose my self-efficacy.
I think I expected myself too high. And seeing others too low.

I should start to draw a certain line or two for the future.
At least I need to start moving towards it, not running aimlessly like this.