It's funny how one moment can change your life so much.
I remembered when I was in college, I had always been this one positive variable. Strong, confident, smart, and bold in every steps of the way. Then, it felt like everything was turned upside down. A huge part of my belief was altered. I've been trying to believe that I am the same Reinhard. But no, it feels like a whole different soul that I'm riding on. There is a dim if not pitch black sense of me believing that Reinhard is meant for something big. That one day he would inspire people. It's like I've lost this drive. The drive that made my life so much more lively like it was back then.
It feels like I wanted to blame a moment. It feels like it all came down to that one moment last year that turned my life around. It was one big blow in my life. I managed to be stable, but have I really succeeded in protecting myself from falling apart? I never know. I never checked. All I've been telling myself is that I was fine, I was okay because I was tough and strong enough to endure it. Like always, I didn't want to appear soft. I believed I have this superpower of emotional stability during that hurricane. I don't know if it destroyed me. I never took a look.
Walking this far, draggingly, I'm starting to realize that there are a lot of things in my life that I haven't accepted and let go. Yes, I accepted the fact that I was bullied, and made peace with it; forgiven those people. But I didn't take time to forgive other people. My cousins for comparing me and making me feel small. And maybe my own family, for getting me caught up in that circle of drama. Maybe, I haven't accepted a lot of things. That's why I snap so much. I loathe so much. I try to push people down so I can feel higher.
Just as I had my turning point from the bullied one to the confident one, I still have the belief that this downward spiral will at time come to another turning point. I just don't know when. I know that it's also about my mental act and how to turn it around, but it is not as simple as it is said. I am trying. I will gather better strength to fight this. Soon enough, I hope I can turn this around.
