Reinhard Gouw's Journal

Source: mayhemandmuse.com

Birthday. Again.

It was not as exciting as it was when I was ten. Or at least twenty. Me, a small matter who just emerged from a simulator called education into a jungle called real life. I mean, what's so important about me then?

Two weeks ago, with a shallow excitement about birthday, my crew leader offered me to represent Last Minute Street Crew in Asian Battleground 2016 in Jakarta. The winner will represent Indonesia to go to Asian Battleground in Malaysia. I took it to consideration since I knew that it was on my birthday. Spending birthday outside my hometown where my friends and family reside in? No way. But then again, my emo mind said, "no one cares anyway" and I think spending my birthday to rep my crew will at least make myself a better use. So I decided to say yes. Bye, birthday.

To be honest, I didn't really have the money to afford this dance trip. I even borrowed some from my mom. But payday is on the way, I thought. So there goes. Before I departed, my dad suddenly send me some money, enough to survive there. Thanks dad! He was so caring that he even gave me some supplement pills before departing. That was a remarkable support coming out from him.

Long story short, we went to Jakarta on Friday, 26th. Me, MP, Edope, Bobby, and Kak Black. We were picked up at the airport by Tara and Inez from O2 dance crew. We spent our nights at Tara's. Past midnight no one seemed to notice my birthday. There were only 3 people who sent me messages, and they're all my exes. haha. Then, I decided to sleep the sensitiveness away.

In the morning, on the way to the venue, some of my best friends called and messaged me and gave strong encouragement. They told me how much I was valuable to them, believed in me and my future, and how we shared impacts to each other's life. Suddenly, it was a delightful morning for me. My mood shifted, and I had this positive vibe going on (Thank you Joditha, Ipin!). Along the day, there were more and more encouraging wishes. God, how can I be so blind about the fact that I have such great and caring friends?

Competition.
The preliminary round was dance performance, and the semifinal & final were crew battle. We managed to get to top four. Which then led us to semifinal, then final. The final was intense. Our competitor was just wow. They have strong connections one another, they have this strong aura coming out of them (they wore black. told ya, black works perfectly). While personally, I think my team needs a lot of improvement on connection. They were just wow. Well I don't know how we were, you can't really judge yourself right. In the end, I was kind of prepared to get any result. Win or lose, it's OK. Suddenly, the judge announced our name as the winner.


I was utterly in shock. Then this rush of emotions flowed inside me. God is so kind to me. I foresaw this gloomy birthday. But this was not gloomy at all. I got something to look forward to, repping Indonesia in Malaysia Asian Battleground 2016 to compete with other Asian countries. One of my dance goal this year is going to be crossed off my list: Join an international dance competition. God made it happen. As bonus, my plane ticket will likely be refunded by my comunity as we we're on the 1st place.




After the competition, we hung out with O2 dancers to celebrate. It was a good night. Then we got home and I fell asleep while the others were watching TV. Suddenly, I was woken up by them singing happy birthday. There were candle lights on top of burgers and fries. Wow. We knew each other for one day and they gave me a surprise. That's something! Thank you, Tara, Inez, Danzel, Stefina, and my team. I feel so grateful and loved.


We spent the next day hanging out, shooting, shopping. We laughed a lot and I felt comfortable with them even though we just got to know each other. It felt like we've been friends for years. They are such warm people. Again, I felt comfortable and loved. Then they sent us off to the airport. I thanked God once again for this birthday gift: a dance trip with a winning, a goal checked off, great new friends, something to look forward to, and so much more.

As we arrived in Surabaya and went outside, my closest friends were already there holding a banner  with my name on it and sang Happy Birthday to me. And that was not expected. At all. They brought a cake which is their own-made (thank the chef, Eric and BonBon!). Thank you, also for Ivan, Lia, Samantha, Ipin, and Pikok! Again, I felt so loved. I thanked God for this life.



As all of this happened, I realized that all this time I was feeling ungrateful. Why did I feel so unspecial? Why did I feel so shallow? I have a caring dad. I have a great dance life. I have friends who cared about me. I have God who never gives up on me. And so much more that I let myself be blinded to. It was me. I was the one who chose not to see those beauty and be grateful. I was too greedy and only wanted more and more.

Thank you, God. I will learn how to feel enough. I will embrace the beauty that I have around me, and not take them for granted. I will be happier. I promise.

Source: www.magic4walls.com

Welcome, 22!

People say follow your passion. Others say be realistic.

And most of us are caught up in between.

I find it hard to really know what I should do with my life. I mean what is passion itself? All I know is that I have certain situations that can light up a spark in me. These are the certain moments when I feel fire igniting inside my soul, and it is the best feeling in the world. It makes me feel alive, it makes me wanna do it again and again, it makes me feel belong, it makes me feel home. I believe you can recall that feeling too.

For me, it's:

1. When I achieve a new milestone in dance, or simply perform in certain events.

2. When I manage people.

3. When my idea and concept turn into reality (esp. in event concepting).

4. When I meet a lot of friends and initiate the "lots of friends" vibe.

5. When I go on a trip, especially the ones with beach, nightlife, and a little shopping.

Somehow, despite all the reality and logic going on inside my head, I believe that they are what I should chase. Apart from the facts of reality, of our social structure, and of conventional life cycle (graduate - work - marry - have children - raise them - death); I'd rather walk and capture these sparks along the way; at least that's what I feel deep inside.

I think sometimes we think too much.

When we were children it was all easier (and honestly it worked out well too!).

Before I graduate I thought a lot of what I'd do after I finish my university life. And up until now, all those nights of endless thoughts breed no certain choice that makes me feel secure. Each choice has its own strengths as well as its own drawbacks, and to only believe in one choice would be too risky. I have so many things that I want to check off my bucket list. And no social system should prevent me from pursuing them.

Some people live to work their asses off in an office, and they're happy. Some others dance their performances away to glory. And there's nothing wrong with both. Simply as long as you're happy, you're fine. No one can set your way to live, as long as you mean no harm to anyone. Then again, some of us may think of this mindset as naive ("wake up, it's real life"), while others call it "really living". Honestly, we'll never know who lived a better life until we kick the bucket and looked at each others'.

So I think I'll say for now that as long as I live, I will always seek these sparks along the way. And when I can't, the least I can do is that I will always -- look forward to it. I will always try to keep myself alive. 

Well this is my young and confused self speaking.
Let's see later what my 40 years old self would say.

I've been working for precisely a month now.

At first, it felt really uneasy. I used to be free, did things on my own time and arrangement. Now I have to work from 9,30 to 5. I have narrower time on my hands. I have to be strict on my time management along with my priorities. I also have to see everyday the people I'm not close with. I have to learn to blend in.

I've gotten used to be on top. In organization life, dance life, etc. Now is the time where everything goes back to point zero. The hardest part to chew is that I have to switch from "sharing" to "learning", from "O.G." to "newbie", from "the famous guy" to "the new guy". I am leaving my comfort zones. Although you might say it's a cycle we all go through, I think it's still an unpleasant phase to be in. But I am trying to suck myself up.

As much as my inner Reinhard likes to think that this ain't the right scene for him, I'd like to say that I'm just trying to adapt with the situation, the work, and everyone in it; and adaptation takes time. I remembered the point where I just joined Last Minute Street Crew. It was a really insecure move for me. Being one of the brightest dancer in campus (call me arrogant or having self-esteem), I have to be the newbie, with not much of an ally inside. I built a wall, considering that most of them was my enemy. But now, they're my family. It took more than a year to break down the walls, but it broke down anyway.

So the whole point was adaptation. I need quite some time to adapt. It made me think it's not the right place. Yes, I feel very small inside this new place. It even made me thought to just quit the whole scene. But, no. I have to adapt in some point of my life. Honestly, the bigger picture of this is about quit trial-ing and start living in the real jungle called life. By time, these bizzare things will slowly be familiar, and I will find my safe ground once again.

May 24th, 2016.

It's been two months. My dog died of accidentally eating rat poison. His name was Vodka. He was 7 years old, and had just celebrated his birthday about three weeks before.

When I heard the news as I left my campus, I was astonished. It was like an ordinary bad news for me at first, I didn't really spend a lot of time with him everyday. But hearing my mom cry made it worse. I started to worry about what happened to him. As soon as I entered my house, I saw my mom carrying his body. Then I grabbed and hugged him. All of a sudden it bursted. I cried to my bones. He was not breathing, nor moving. I never expected the pain to be that deep. I will never see Vodka again, who has been living with our family in the past 7 years.

He's been watching over our family. He's been inside the life we're in. He was there when my sister had her sweet 17th birthday, entered university, graduated. When I entered university. He took good care of our secrets. All of my naughtiness, as well as my sister's. My family dramas. When we fight, when we pray (he would bark at us), when we had good time. The points where everything was okay, the points where everything was hell. He were there as a living member. He was a part of us.

I never really noticed him inside the house. He was almost like an interior for me. All I heard everyday was the bell ringing on his necklace whenever he walked, the barks whenever I ate (which I always ignore, or kick him away if the moment wasn't right), the whole house laughing and gossiping about him. He was always there, seeking attention and care. Just a little rub on his back would make his eye linger and sleep easier. Hugging him with his hands around my neck was comfort.

I took him for granted. I thought he would always be there. But no, he's a living creature. He would die at some point of my life. I didn't value and give a nice amount my time for him and yet his death was painful enough to make me (and other members of my family) shed tear once in a while for about 2 weeks.

In the end, his death made me contemplate. What if it was my closest family members' death? How painful would it be? We lived together longer, talked with each other, shared mutual interaction. I can't imagine how painful it would be.

Rest well, Vodka. I miss you so so much.