Reinhard Gouw's Journal

Sunday, June 30th 2019 |

(Link to my latest post on Medium: https://medium.com/@reinhardgouw/start-small-c4c9141e0315)

It's been four months since I arrived in Melbourne. It feels like forever. So many things have happened. I finished my first semester at Monash University, I got in and out of job- twice, and I got a teaching slot in a dance studio. To be honest? It's getting harder.

The first three months felt like it was a holiday. Everything felt so new. I started to create this scheme and define this city, or so to say, this new life that I have here in Melbourne. But then, up to this point everything has been crystalizing. And when I reflect upon myself, I feel like I started losing a sense of purpose.

To be fair, I admit that the main story has been about dance. I plotted a lot of things, set a lot of goals around this aspect of life. It's been my number one priority, even when I started looking for jobs. I blocked some work availability schedule for dance and that got me to rejection in some places. For all I know, dance has always been my home, and it's the first thing that made me feel comfortable here in this country; it gave me the warmest welcome by offering so many opportunities, so many connections. I even found some of the greatest friends here through dance. The dance scene made me feel accepted, acknowledged, appreciated. Being a newcomer, it's really a privilege for me to feel this close to home just by dancing. And I will always be grateful for this gift.

But on the other side, I put my uni and work life below it, despite of the fact that they were the reasons I went to Australia in the first place. Well, to be honest, my main reason was just to press the restart button. Frankly saying, to run away. To reinvent, recreate, redefine myself. Boy, teaching dance overseas? It was one of my dream and it's happening. Right now. But I lost sense of focus. I forgot that reinventing, recreating, redefining myself really don't mean I'll be doing the same thing and expanding myself in that area. I guess it means more about expanding myself in other areas too.

Dance has always been the greatest story of my life. It took me to places, connected me to people, experiences once I could only wish for in life. It gave me confidence, happiness, contentment. But I think it's also the time for me to seek these in other aspects of life that I can pursue too. It's time for me to put more attention and nurture the other things that I want to do in life. Things that might even be bigger than myself.

So, just as news, I just got a scholarship from Deakin University, the same major, Communications. The difference is, it's gonna be more practical and the units feel more familiar to me than the ones they have at Monash. So I decided to accept the offer as it is also generally cheaper than finishing my study at Monash. I'm seeing this as a restart button, as the scholarship means I have to pursue certain standard in my academic performance and also be actively engaged in the uni activities (as they also give the scholarship awardees the opportunity to join their excellence program, some kinda mentorship in leadership and everything).

With all that's happening in my dance and work life, it might be fair to say that the universe is reminding me of my main purpose (even the only reason I'm able to stay) here in Australia. I want to expand myself doing and learning things I'm not used to. And see where it takes me. Even when it's uncomfortable. Even when it's challenging. Even when it feels like holding the steer of a car on your own for the first time.

As from what I've learnt this far, it's not easy. Feeling stupid becomes a normal thing. Loneliness. God, it's always there lurking. But as I read the messages that my closest people gave me before I go in form of letters, they always remind me that it's a process that I should embrace.

Process. How hard it is for me to let its meaning soak into my reasoning. Process is always intertwined with the variable of time. Process is always before result, and more importantly it's not result itself. It can be hard, daunting, and mostly uncomfortable. But most of the time, it's gonna be worthwhile. And that's what I should always remember; I should stop defining myself by the process. If anything, I should only define myself by my endurance, persistence, and hard work during the process. And gratitude all throughout the process of coming out the other end a better person.

Hi folks. It's been 2 weeks since I moved to Melbourne. Man. Here I am.

And also managed to did a Valentine mini-Charity. yay!

If you ask me how I felt, I would say it felt flat. I think it might be my unconscious mechanism to not feel sad because honestly? I had a lot of insecurities and anxieties inside. Am I gonna be able to speak english fluently? Cause I tend to stutter when I meet natives. Am I gonna be able to make friends? Am I gonna be able to find some work and buy my own bread? Am I gonna be able to learn how to cook? Am I gonna be able to survive in this whole new country? Mostly because I never lived outside my hometown. So yeah, I didn't feel anything. Prolly because it was too much for me to handle.

The emotions started flooding in around D-2. Man. You don't know how many times I cried alone in my room. Thinking about how I'm not gonna meet Mom, Dad, my Sister, Vodka, Ste, Ipin, Samantha, Jay, Ce Bing, BDC, LM. I'm not gonna spend every Monday and Thursday practicing with LM. And jumping to a whole new world. Shit just started. getting. real. And I was glad to spend the last night having a deep convo with my sister. A thing we almost never did because we're too busy with our own lives. :)

So the day came. My family + Ipin + Samantha accompanied me to the airport. In the airport, my cousin hired a VIP airport service which was VERY convenient. Other than picking me up at the lobby with my luggage, carrying my documents, checking me in....I'll tell you later. So I was surprised that a large number of people showed up!!!!! Honestly I didn't expect it to be that many. Last Minute Street Crew, Devina, Yuli, Hana, Valen, Febe, Ste on video call. Wow. I'm just so fuckin' grateful for them in my life. God is so kind to have given me these wonderful people.

I feel so loved. I feel supported. Not just by coming, they gave me some token of love with positive affirmations and wishes. They made me feel confident. Whole. Content. And I guess it's what I had been needing for this new trip. Thank you so much. I love you guys. (Also from Abel in Singapore transit!)

I will miss everyone and everything so damn much.

Thank you for your faith in me. I hope I can make everyone proud.

*ah, as for the VIP airport service. I had to board the airplane at around 9 if I'm not mistaken, And at 8.50, I was still busy saying goodbye. And when we (me and Chachia, my friend who's coincidentally on the same flight) got to the immigration portal, it was really crowded. I thought it was impossible, but there was surprisingly a private line for VIP services! So we didn't need to Q at all. When the people who were Qing saw us, they're like bitch how'd you get there  

- - - - - - - - - - -

So that's how I said see you again to my hometown.

Now Melbourne. I guess I've been doing well! Surprisingly.

The first two days were overwhelming for me. Had I not known Jasmine Wirawan, I would prolly have gone crazy. She picked me up from the airport, and has been giving me an essential Melbourne 101! She taught me a lot of things from Myki cards (for trains and buses), groceries, the city, the people, just everything. And I will forever be grateful that you're my day 1 in this city, Min! So after the overwhelming information in the first two days, and spider issues in the house and in my room in the first week.... I guess I'm settling in alright.

Spiders. Let's talk about spiders. They're one of the creatures I get creeped out of. I mean dude, shit's got 8 legs! And there's one in my incubator when I was a baby! (my sister saved me that time, thank you) Anyway. Shit's fricken real here. I've heard before that spiders are easily found in Australian homes. Especially in Summer. So I found a lot in my share house and even my room. There were 10+ of them, dead and alive. I found two crawling on top of my bed. I found one big ass spider crawling under my bed, and on top of my desk. Jesus Christ. But I've levelled up from using broom to tissue to pick the dead corpses. Yay. Now they only pop up once every few days.

Dance life. One word. Crazy. In two weeks, I joined 3 classes, and I got a chance to attend the practice of one of the finest team in Australia. I can feel a huge wave of positivity coming from this dance scene, and I'm really really grateful of how The Universe is leading me. I used to question why I was led to dance full-time in the past 2 years. But now it all starts to make sense. It gives me a lot of opportunity to thrive, to feel confident, even to travel the world. Dance is one of the pillars that built me, and it's one of the very few things that make me feel at home. I promise myself I won't stop dancing and thriving in this passion.

So whoever you are, if you need this. Everything will make sense someday.
Just put your faith in the universe, and believe that it's guiding you to where you should be.

Social life wise, I was honestly surprised that I got to stay me even in english-speaking environment! I read a theory that different languages can create different personalities inside of you. But I guess it doesn't affect my social perks. I can still be the Reinhard who feels bold (and a bit cocky I know) and open for convos. Man, it feels really good to be able to be yourself in a whole new place. I even feel that some of my perks are enhanced here (as the people are not conservative and they are REALLY nice). So yeah, it feels awesome.


Groceries. I hated groceries shopping on my first day when Jasmine taught me. It's confusing. It's something a mother should do. But you don't know how much I fricken love doing groceries now. I would do it everyday. I would do it at midnight. Try me. I. LOVE. GROCERIES. And I'm learning how to cook yay.


So yeah, it's been great 2 weeks! Melbourne is an easy city to adapt to, and the people are nice (yes, I keep telling people that when they ask me. But that's because it's true!). All is well. The only thing that gives me anxiety is that I want to find some work as soon as possible. I had a good amount of saving for now, but I don't wanna be having hard time on living expenses and burden my family in the next months, so yeah. Wish me luck.



Wow, it's a long post! (with a lot of bonus pictures)
There's just so many things I wanna write down. I will try to write more so that it doesn't pile up.

Thank you Universe, for everything.

It's 2019 and I already missed my first goal: Write a blog once a month. Great! I missed writing a post on January. But I'll catch up soon. Believe me, I bet I would write a lot more when I'm there. Because you know, loneliness. Being here with a lot of people is enough to make me feel lonely at times. Can't imagine when I'm there. But then again, I'll survive. I always do.

Having annual resolutions is starting to get old for me. So I didn't really spend time thinking about it. But there is one goal that I've been keeping in mind, that I want to pursue this year.

It's to stop degrading myself.

I finally have the reason to officially announce that I am moving away soon.

We made the payment. In around 2,5 months, precisely in mid February, I will pursue my further study in Melbourne, Australia. It's been the plan since I was still working on my final thesis in UC, and finally it's just around the corner.

I will be studying Communications and Media Studies in Monash University. It's going to be a pressure because other than the global rank, it took quite the expense; and I promise I will work really hard to repay my parents later when I graduate and have a decent career.

Acknowledging that, I assume it will change a lot of things. I might not be able to dance as much as I have been doing in the past 9 years. Dance has always been a huge part of my life. It turned my life around from being friendless and bullied to this bold guy (at least that's how I like to see myself). Dance was the beginning of my confidence, my energy, my friends, my self-branding, and overall, my life. Thus, all this time I've never know how it would be like if I take dance out of the picture. It is scary and truly gives me the anxiety. A part of me is scared of going back to the old Reinhard before he found dance.

Not only that, it will be the first time I live somewhere else on my own in this 24 years of living. Many have experienced it earlier and it intimidates me. I wonder if I will survive financially. I wonder if I will find good companions. I wonder if I will thrive and be "someone" and really do "something" there. I don't want my life to be mediocre after moving. Because my life here, even though I take for granted sometimes, have been nothing short of amazing and magical.

I am blessed to have a good and growing dance life. Chances to excel and thrive. A reputable dance community to grow in. A house and a family to go home to. I have Ipin. Ste. Jay. Cebing. Who I can look for any day when things go either right or wrong. I have some of the greatest and supportive best friends I could ever ask for. Samantha. Abel. And many more.

What awaits in Melbourne is still blurry for me.

Waking up in another city in another country with no best friends and family. With the need to strategize to survive. With the pressure to thrive and excel and build my own life. With thousands of uncertainty.

I guess it is time for me to finally face "real life".