Reinhard Gouw's Journal

I read someone's blog and realized a change.
He used to blog about his personal life, and now he blogs about motivations, or way of thinking. Well, it's actually an amazing blog. But seeing the previous posts way back is also nice too. Someone commented to him that it's more like him to post personal life as well other than just general posts.
I then realized I'm starting to post ways of thinking and such, where I used to post more personal things in the first posts of Life Ink 1.

What's the problem?
I should balance between blogging for myself, and blogging for people to read. Sometimes I want to post things but I get thoughts of what people are gonna think about it, and so I rearranged the words and things. I think if I do it that way too far, I will be doing this blog for people, and ignoring what I actually want to post.

Why do I blog?
Because I don't tell my stories much to people, so I share them here. It's always a pleasure telling stories here and it makes my burdens less heavier. This blog is the one hearing my stories when I don't have anyone to tell it to. This blog will follow the story of my life, and I hope it's a great story whole, even a motivation and inspiration for some. Here live memories of me. Enjoy!

The first ten days of March has passed, it's so fast.
Now when I think of it, I said this thing too much already. haha.

Daily to-do-lists, tests, tests, and more tests. I'm not ready at all for the national exam, at all. I don't really have any will to study. It's worrying me a little, in this state I will never pass the exam.

Days feels like routine now, I need something. Yes, what I'm looking for is a purpose. Why am I here? I need to know where and what should I be doing. What's my passion and vision in the future? I'm moving aimlessly right now. You know, I've been thinking about this dance life of mine. Do I really belong there? My passion is not as big as the others. I have passion for other thing, yet I don't exactly know what it is. But what I feel now is, it's not this one. Yes, I love dance, I do. I can't live a day without dancing. But is it a part of my future? Should I be dwelling with it so much like the old days? I don't know.

I should have asked for God's answers, but it's been some time now that I can hardly communicate nicely with God. I don't know, I guess I've been acting too busy. I've been neglecting my spiritual life, or have I done something not right? Or have I been doing too much bad things? I don't know and I'm dying for a voice to tell me. My health and spiritual life is abandoned and I have to pull it back, somehow. Tell me.

Just about a month again, high school's gonna end. I'm glad I'm able to share laughter with my friends in class a lot these days. High school's perfect with them. I don't wanna be far with them in university. The Cherry Berry, Sianida, close friends from other classes, juniors. Oh God, how I'm loving these people. School's like home when you befriend a lot of people inside and I'm feeling that way now. I'm glad I get to know a lot of wonderful people here. I wanna share who they are but the perfect time is when I graduating later.. It'll be a super mellow post coming. hahaha. MEHN! Life is so something. I just watched a Sianida video made by my friend, here and I wonder how it feels to watch this video when I grow up later. Ouch. Super mellow now. I know I should just LIVE TODAY.

Vampires have been adding me on Facebook and I'm ignoring them.

AHHHHHH I don't know what other random thing to post.

I'm glad my effort to get a lot of orders is paying off. I'm getting this membership from my supplier! Yeay. I can't wait to be having the card soon.

I feel like I'm not in the state of a person to fit a figure of an inspiration right now. I'm far from God. I live aimlessly. I don't care about my final exam. Do bad things and so on. I wanna go back climbing and not rushing downhill like this.. I don't want days to be so empty and narrow. I really oughta know what to focus on.

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
Then waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for a moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with her crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?
No she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

Now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my , roses in my hands?

Would you get them if i did?
No you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part

These days I've been having some epic dreams.
One of the dreams is about the 'vampirism'. And the feeling was so strong for half of the day. So the story is about a sudden vampire show-up as a stranger, but suddenly ends up in my house dining with me and my sister. My sister didn't like that vampire and shoo the vampire away. And the vampire, in some sweet way, asked me to be its prey. And day by day passed inside that dream, I kept thinking about answering the vampire's offer. You know, actually these days I've been feeling so lonely and I feel like I want someone. Not just someone, but 'someone'. And answering that vampire's offer could give me what I want. But no, all along the dream I tried to resist my feeling and didn't answer to the offer 'cause I know it's a wrong way to satisfy this feeling. So in the end, I didn't answer 'till I woke up. But along the day I felt a little blue, a little part of me felt disappointed that I didn't answer, that it's just a dream and why won't I let myself fulfill the urges even if it's just in my dream.

Not just some dreams, I've been thinking of how people sees me. I might think that I'm nice enough as a person, kind enough, right enough. But what if what I think all along is wrong? Arrogance. That's one thing I'm always afraid of, 'cause I'm very capable of arrogance. Sometimes I wonder if, and I said 'if', my closest friends honestly have something to say concerning my personality. I wonder what they say to each other when I'm not around, like we usually talk about other friends. Right? We usually discuss some good or bad things about another close friends, but seldom realize that they can do the same too. I wonder if they would tell me in some way, 'cause I need to see my ugly side and change it to be a better guy. I don't know why I'm having this thought, but I wanna know how every of my closest people sees me.

Today I went to my ex's favorite place. I actually didn't wanna go there 'cause I don't wanna hit the chance of ex-encountering but I went there anyway. And gladly we didn't met. Actually days ago when I looked at one of my friend's following on Twitter, I accidentally found that my friend is following my ex. I was startled. Yeah, every single time I see the name or the picture, I'm still startled. Why is it so hard to overcome this startle thing in spite of the fact that I'm over the relationship? Then when I'm picking up my sister, I strolled around the campus. I didn't wanna stroll too much 'cause there's a chance we could meet. When I was strolling, I gazed around the place and realized that it's almost a year to that event, Petra Parade where we reconciled and I gained my temporary happiness back. It's so fast. And now we don't even know each other. I'm glad that I didn't choose to go to this university. Really glad. But another little part of me, again, misses this university 'cause it was my desired university and it holds so much happy memories with a lot of people. It feels like home to be there even though I never really go there much. And now I'm going to a stranger's university, I haven't feel the feeling of home in this university. But I won't let this feeling back me down, 'cause I wanna believe that I'm going to have a great time in this alien university. haha.

It's March, eh? Already? One and a half month and high school will come to an end. *exhales* *tries to smile* hahaha. I know I shouldn't think much about it. Just enjoy and embrace these wonderful moments, right? :) This stage of life was wonderful all along and it should be wonderful 'till the last drop. UNAS is waiting and I'm not ready at all in this state. Hurrahh! Fight. I have to pass this damn thing.

And still right now, I feel so lonely. Like 2NE1's song "Lonely" that I've been playing a lot. (I'm starting to fan KPOP -_- embarrassing. I even downloaded some videos.)

Oh God! I have so much to spill here. I've been thinking and dreaming a lot. You know, sometimes the thoughts are just in and out randomly. I hardly have my mind clear and feels like my head's suffocating with all the thoughts, all the damn tests, and my little business.
I want a week off. A week off in a stranded island with great beach, a huge beautiful lake, a field of fresh green grasses, and even a desert will do! Anything but in a city with to-do-lists everyday.
I can be very hyper and jumpy sometimes so I'll swallow these kinds of place.