Reinhard Gouw's Journal

Some time ago, someone introduced me to these couple. They are Chella Man and MaryV.

It felt like dark chocolate.
It felt like sweet smiles.
It felt like my favorite laugh.
It felt like being loved, but unable to return the favor.
It felt like a place to crash. And hug. And cuddle.
It felt like comfort. Though at times, anxiousness.
It felt like a strong force, making me fall even at times when I shouldn't.
It felt like hurricane.
It felt like dark rose, tempting me to embrace my cravings of oh sweet sin.
It felt like its thorns, even though I never cared about the sting.
It felt warm. And cold at the same time.
It felt like dark gray, with a hint of white that I always tried to bring out.
It felt like rum and bitter wine.
It felt like loving, but not having the favor returned.
It felt like I was gonna give it all.
It felt like Gabrielle Aplin. Singing about love and feeling home.
It felt like Frances. Giving a hint of goodbye and readiness to let go.
It felt like happiness.
It felt a lot like sadness.
It felt like loneliness.
.
.
.
.
.
It felt like love.
But it wasn't.

It is all over.
And it is time to put all this behind us.
Close the book.
Never to open. Nor tempted look at it ever again.

Here I am. Finding myself in a position I'd never preferred.
I was stuck in a stupid game called love. I thought I'd outsmart it, but it seems that I'm a fool when it comes to that thing.

To put it simply, I am the kind of person that thinks when I feel right with someone, they'll feel the same way. I thought that the relationship will happen, just because I feel it's going to happen. I was blinded from the fact that the feeling comes from my own heart. And I can't always expect the other party to feel the same.

Yes, I am a kid at love and relationship. Once I feel that way, I'd give my everything to that person. Time, focus, energy, thoughts. I'd be thoughtful. Just enough to feel for them. I'd be caring, just enough to want to know them deeply. I'd be supportive, just enough for a real relationship. Even when that person doesn't do the same. Though I always expect mutual actions from them.

These past few months, I've been stumbling here and there. Trying to give my all to some people. And got disappointed, over and over. I've always thought: Why can't they do the same? Why don't they want to know about me as much as I want to know about them? Why don't they give support and encouragement as much as I give them? Why do I feel like I'm the only one interested in making this thing grow?

Then a friend said to me, "That's you. They are not you. You can't expect someone to love you the same exact way that you love them. People have their own way of showing it". That hit me like a hammer. I remembered myself coming across the same issue with my ex. I expected this and that. So then, I lowered my expectation. I started learning to stop wanting people to show their affection to me the way that I show them.

The problem is, while doing that, I maintained my part the same way. I did everything I could do just to make them feel comfortable, supported, and loved. And in the end, I find it a lot more tiring, and disappointing. I'm coming back to the understanding that they didn't match my capacity for love. They're not worthy of it.

Maybe I was just too fast. Maybe I should not put my energy so much into relatioship. I don't know. I acknowledge that I was lonely. I was looking for affection. Maybe I still am, thanks to this psychosocial stage of life. But I know that I need to learn to value myself more. And focus more on achievements. Relationship and love is just a thing that gets in the way. If humans don't feel so much, everything would be so much easier.

Art by Joan Columbus

"I wish that I knew how to stop time."

Thanks to Adhitia Sofyan, I went into this page instead of working on my final project.

I just made a slight change inside my life. I decided to let go of someone. In these past few months I've been in a relationship only few know shits about ("relationship" is not always "that" relationship, so, whatever you'd like to believe). Not that it's not good. It's just I'm not ready. Not ready in spending much of my time for someone. Not ready to sacrifice my own ego for someone. Not ready to learn from someone instead of being the smart one, and ironically also not ready to spare my time being the smart one for someone 'cause I got my hands full trying to fix myself after what happened in my life. Yes, I must sound so self-centered.

So now, I'm a free soul all over again. I am that guy who loves indie musics, who walks too fast that everyone thinks he's arrogant, who has green hair, who spends too much time outside of house, who's so lazy despite of everyone's opinion that he's so productive, who has emotional issues, who has hidden insecurities, who loves to be with people, who loves organizing, and who is making his way up to a good life.
So who cares. I am happy. :)

"The thing about a thinker is that we need to write down the things in our head.... This will be letters to you. Every single moments that will remind us of us. This way, we'll never gonna die. 'Us' will never die".


I always tried to make myself believe that what I felt was real. That what I wanted to last forever would still be what I want to last forever.

It's peculiar that as I read those stories all over again, they are strangers. I get surprised of how I felt that way. How I wrote those stories like that. How those times were there. How the feeling happened.

As I read some passages saying I didn't know how I would cope with the relationship's ending, with not having 'us' in my days again, how I would forget those memories, how I would stop feeling those feelings. Now, I just feel nothing. Nothing at all.

Going through the book, somehow it gets sadder as I realize that it was a wonderful ride I didn't wanna lose, but now a story I don't wanna experience all over again. It's even sadder to acknowledge that love is just a story that moves on from one person to another. It blinds people making them believe in their own feelings, the forever and never.



Maybe we should stop saying those words. Honestly, we really never know what happens next.

"As mist was covering sight, the warrior fell into the ground. Barely seeing, somehow the fireflies shone even brighter than ever. One of them flew near the warrior. He recognized the firefly. The one he crossed path with so many times along the journey. The one that left some staining color on his armor. The one he's too afraid to go with yet too desolate to go without. As he was relieved with the presence, another one flew near. A consuming pulse was running straight to him. The warrior came to a quandary. What will he do next? Which one? To try again or to start? Deep inside, he knew the right answer. a bold NO. On the easier level, it's about trust and mistrust. So far, he chose to let it just fly around, at least for now."

Blood quandary.
I can say that I've been sipping things I shouldn't. Somehow, I'm getting used to it. What if it's actually the way to get rid of this? What if I get used to this, and then it leads to deprivation of the feeling?

Then again, maybe all these haze is just me and my personal fable.