Reinhard Gouw's Journal

When I was younger, I asked my father
"Why are we so human?"
Now that I'm older
I think I figured it out
We're just doing what we can


This year has been the year of me trying to define myself. Bipolar, bold, rebel, everything. I start to realize that this thing that I've been doing changes me more into the definition I make. The more I declare it, the more I be. Because most of the time I wanna act and not just talk, talking about integrity. I don't fancy bluffing too much. In the end, your words can really change you. Mine did.

Sometimes my definition is just my idealism and it's not really who I am. Well, idealism is your wish and it feels glad to become the person you want to be. It's nice to do personal-construct.
As I reflect, I like to say that I'm constructing myself to be the toughest and boldest person that I can be. I see that day by day I turn bolder and bolder. I advance with a lot less thought about what other people say and think. I do things on my term more. I lead more. I organize more. I am more assertive. Well nicely working, the self that I was in high school is getting thinner. I changed.

But with it, I carry some bad news for me and for some people who have been around for a long time. I'm meaner, I'm rude, I'm reckless, I'm careless, I flare up a lot more. Less humanity. I think that this is the price that I have to pay to learn and be this guy. I've been hurting a lot of people who's known me long before this change. Bad thing is, I don't really care like I used to. "Take me or leave me" is taking toll of me. They judge me a lot and I often think that they underestimate, that they don't understand that I'm bad because I'm better.

I guess this is just a process for me. It's just another youth thing. I'm still learning. Maybe someday I'll be able to cope the bad news and just bring the bold thing cleaner. It doesn't feel too good to hurt people, and it's worse to know that your family is included. I think that's why I created Alton in the first place. To separate between me and this bad news.

The big question is, if in the future I get my idealism changed, will I regret becoming this person? Will I try to change again to another one? Then if it works that way, how about the guy who I really am? How do you understand the gap between idealism and nature?

Who knows if everything that I just write is another idealism of mine.
Someday we'll laugh at all these things we say about ourselves.

"As mist was covering sight, the warrior fell into the ground. Barely seeing, somehow the fireflies shone even brighter than ever. One of them flew near the warrior. He recognized the firefly. The one he crossed path with so many times along the journey. The one that left some staining color on his armor. The one he's too afraid to go with yet too desolate to go without. As he was relieved with the presence, another one flew near. A consuming pulse was running straight to him. The warrior came to a quandary. What will he do next? Which one? To try again or to start? Deep inside, he knew the right answer. a bold NO. On the easier level, it's about trust and mistrust. So far, he chose to let it just fly around, at least for now."

Blood quandary.
I can say that I've been sipping things I shouldn't. Somehow, I'm getting used to it. What if it's actually the way to get rid of this? What if I get used to this, and then it leads to deprivation of the feeling?

Then again, maybe all these haze is just me and my personal fable.

Dear blog,

It's Steven. It's not my first time posting, I'm here most of the time. But it is my first time coming out with my name in this blog.
Today I come out when he's Alton. He's been Alton this whole time. And I think he's losing it. I see that it's too much of a boldness he has, too much of a rudeness he possess, and that he's been low on himself.

It didn't feel good at all, waking up randomly. Seeing that everything you were enjoying felt like it's been wrong the whole time because the emotions came out. The things you shut outside just came in and telling you how wrong it's been.
And this has been happening not just this once.

I guess I miss the part where Alton doesn't exist.

It's finally over! Final exams and along with it, the whole 2nd semester. It feels like a huge chunk lifted up from your chest. It actually barely felt like a learning semester since I was too busy busying myself with other things than classes. And I promise I won't do it next semester. College classes should always be the number one priority!

I've had enough of days with hour 5 sleeps. And now it's time to enjoy the long holiday...or not. There's still O-Week committee waiting, also Psychology Parents Gathering, and the other small things I couldn't recall or that maybe literally don't exist at all. The holiday is going to be busy. But it's still a holiday so presume there will still be a lot of recreation times.

This means that I've done a year in this university. And to be honest, there's one goal I failed to fulfill: To have my own sustainable profit in the first year. Well, maybe it failed. But there's another part of my goal in this chapter that is going well.

I should've shared this 2 days ago, but you know final exams all over my head so here it is. The throwback of what BDC has been doing for the past 2 weeks.

We spent quite a lot of time together despite the final exam, we prepared for quite a big project for us, a flashmob for Fimela Girl Festival in Ciputra World Surabaya. The hardest part is to look for participants and keeping them, because there's another ongoing flashmob and also a lot of events happening. But after all, we still had a good number. The best part is that we get to bond more, day and night. Practicing in the parking lot, dinner together. A lot of bonding especially the dicks. haha.
To cut the long tale short, it's quite a success after the time sacrifices that we did. Thank God!

The MEGA Flashmob "GENTLEMAN" in Fimela Girl Festival, Ciputra World Surabaya.

Thank you God, FimelaGIRL, Ciputra World Surabaya, THE CROWD, and especially, Big Dance Crew.
For the people there, maybe it's another big crowd dancing. For me, it's a big dream fulfilling.
Before I entered college I promised myself I would put my mark on this college life. I believe that my presence would mean something big.
Well maybe this is just a beginning but you just made it for me. You helped me draw a special line in my drawing and that's already more than everything.
You're the definition of love and pride for me.
Thank you. Let's take this small team to the big dream. :)