Reinhard Gouw's Journal

First holiday post.

I spent most of my holiday in Surabaya since I traveled too much already in these past 2 years. This month I go to my house Batu back and forth. With my friends and also family, and spending my Christmas there. And still lost of where I should be spending my new years eve at. Well that's holiday plan this month.
Next month I'll be going to Lombok for 4D3N with my parents. It's gonna be my first time there so I guess I should try to enjoy.

Lame chitchats about my holiday, but here are more coming. I spend most of the time drive my sister and my mom around. Well considering I've always been a superbusy guy 2000whatever when campus is on, this is what I should be doing! haha. Other than that, I just hang around town with some of the guys left here. I tried reading a book from Mitch Albom but I think I'm not in the mood to read productively.

I also hone myself up during the holiday.
Saving money. Maintaining a better relationship with family. Grooming myself to look younger. Exercising.

Enough for the holiday news.

I got my study result card this semester and the score decreased quite much. 1st semester I got 3.92. 2nd semester it's down to 3.86. Now it's lower. 3.52.
It's not really satisfying for me since it takes off the label "highest score" from me. I'm not the guy with the highest score in my class anymore. Well I made peace with that saying that it's not what I should be chasing. But a disappointment's disappointing.
The semester's kinda rough for me: the subjects came in a higher level (freaking biopsychology, citizenship class being taught by an old-fashioned lecturer I didn't expect, blah blah), and I am still trying to balance between my newly added aspect of life and the other existing aspects.
Well it happened. This semester was quite challenging. No used crying over spilled milk. I am clearly not taking full SKS next semester. I will miss one class. I need more space of time.

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"Have you ever loved someone so much that you started hating them 'cause they make you wanna change yourself for them, but you actually did because in the end, you still love them?"

I thought I was so flawless.
The bad news is, I decided to try to change my "perfect" self.
And I believe that these changes are gonna make me not only a better guy for you, but also a better human in life. Thank you for making me learn.

I learn to control my ego, my emotion, and be happy for your (others') happiness. I learn to get a hold of myself, to not be so egoist. I learn to cope with my mistrust and trust you (others) more. I learn that I'm not always right, and that I'm not the guy with the perfect mind, and it hurts like hell.
I learn that as time goes, we find our difference and incompatibilities even more, and it sometimes makes me feel like losing the old us, but then I find that we can figure out how to deal with that, and that it leads to a stronger bond.
I learn that I start needing you instead of just wanting you.
I learn that I can't imagine how it would be when that time comes.

Been reading Elisabeth Santoso's blog, and I found one post that somehow depicts me and this blog world of mine.

I used to write a lot of posts, and now it's not that much. It used to be inspiration posts, now it's lamer when I read it. You know that "to live is to inspire" used to be a tagline of this blog. I had this big dream of inspiring people with me and my way of thinking. I also want to make pieces of my life that I share here motivate readers to be better. It's not me losing that dream. It's me losing the courage to.

As I realize, this year I started turning into someone else. I turned to be the "rebel" and "bold" guy that I created as my 2013 resolution. I succeeded, but it gets too far. I got this Alton Tam alter ego. Well, at first I thought it's just me and my drama. But then I was informed that my psycho test result revealed that I actually have an alter ego. It's not in the worst state when I don't recognize the other me, I don't lose time unaware of being someone else I don't know. No. I am me all the time, it's just sometimes that Alton steps in and changed my ways of thinking. When I'm Alton, i clearly have different mind and do things differently. Then when I get back to myself, I would think "Did I really do that? Why did it happened? I shouldn't have done that".

Having this new mind and personality does bring good things to me. I stopped being a YESMAN. I learned more of how to speak up. But it brings bad things as well. I become rude. I curse sometimes. In the end, I feel that I'm worse than the person that I was before. This feeling made the presumably guilty feeling if I continue trying to inspire. How can I inspire if I'm bad? Wouldn't that be so hypocrite of me?

Just then, I feel like I need to stand up from this blocking ground. All these time writing a blog doesn't mean that I'm already a person with the best mindset in the world. I'm not the best guy 2000 and whatever. I'm only sharing my way of thinking. And it doesn't need being good or bad. People have their own values, and it's OK for everyone to share theirs. I may be not the best or worst guy in the world, but these posts that I'm writing are pieces of my life. Some maybe will help you be better, and some maybe not. In the end you're the one to evaluate whether something is good for you to take and something is not. Maybe my whole blog world is good or bad for your life, maybe only some is good and some are bad. You decide. I only share my tale.

The whole point of life for me is trying to be a better person. Make life useful in ways possible and help others when able. It's not about being the best, it's about giving the best of you. So let's just share together and support each other. Would you? Everyone around you watches your life. Speak up, be heard. Everyone can inspire in their own ways.

Hidup kita memiliki 3 rentang waktu. Dulu, kini, dan nanti; atau yang lebih indah disebut masa lalu, sekarang, dan masa depan. Ketiga masa ini yang menjadi lembar tempat kita menuliskan petualangan hidup kita.

Yang sudah kita tulis? Masa lalu. Baik maupun buruk, masa ini telah menjadi bagian dari keseluruhan petualangan hidup kita. Kita tidak dapat mengubah masa lalu. Kita juga tidak dapat memintanya kembali. Biarlah masa lalu tinggal di halaman belakang. Jika ada yang buruk, marilah kita menimbunnya dengan kebaikan yang masih dapat kita buat. Bila ada yang lebih baik dari masa kini, biarlah kita menjadikannya sebagai acuan dan yakinlah bahwa kita masih dapat menciptakan masa yang seindah atau lebih baik dari itu.

Yang belum kita tulis? Masa depan. Lembar kosong, tempat menabur mimpi, halaman yang mungkin telah kita rencanakan. Terkadang masa itu menakutkan, terkadang masa itu adalah pendorong dari apa yang kita lakukan sekarang. Kita tidak tahu apa yang akan terjadi di depan, oleh karena itu memikirkan kerangka dan mempersiapkannya memang jalan yang baik agar cerita kita dapat tertulis sesuai keinginan kita.

Bagaimana dengan masa kini?
Seringkali kita melupakan masa kini. Kita terlalu sibuk mengingat masa lalu, ataupun memikirkan masa depan. Jiwa kita terlepas dari tubuh kita, dan kita bergerak dengan pikiran kita semata. Masa lalu dan depan memang adalah penarik dan pendorong dari kita, namun ingatlah bahwa tubuh kita sedang memijak di masa kini. Janganlah jiwa kita tertarik keluar dari tubuh kita karena tarikan dan dorongan tersebut. Biarlah diri kita berdiri secara utuh di tengah.

Pejamkanlah mata sejenak.
Bernafaslah, rasakanlah udara yang mengalir melalui hidungmu.
Rasakan bagian tubuhmu yang memijak di bumi. Rasakanlah keberadaanmu. Kamu berada di sini sekarang. Dengan segala keberadaanmu.
Kamu berada dalam dirimu. Dan dirimu berada dalam kendalimu.
Ingatlah orang-orang yang berada di sekelilingmu. Orang-orang yang berarti.
Sekaranglah saatnya merasakan hal-hal kecil yang dapat kamu rasakan.
Baik, buruk, mungkin kamu tidak akan merasakannya lagi di depan.
Tidak ada yang tahu. Mungkin suatu saat kamu akan merindukannya.
Nikmatilah apa yang dapat kamu rasakan itu saat ini, dan dengan dirimu yang utuh, jalanilah kekinian.
Kekinian yang indah.

It's October already. I've been acting aimlessly for these past few months. And I realize that it is time for a change. I need to focus more on things I need to work on. College life, dance life, even self-improving time. It is also a time to being wiser on spending. And also the effort to try to be better with a lot of my aspects of life.

Today I came to a contemplation that all this time I was seeing myself blindly. I am not as much as who I expected. I thought I was that good, I thought it was reasonable for me to be so proud of myself. But the truth is, I'm not that good. Deep down I felt that I realized this a long time ago, it was just me trying to close my eyes to this.

Often, I felt like life was being too good to me. That I was that lucky guy, I succeeded in many things I wanted and even things that everybody wanted, I felt that it was mostly easy for me. It happened most of the time, and it made me feel special. I had my self efficacy rose high. I trusted myself too much. I was being too prideful.

Now I opened my eyes more. All along I knew that I was pursuing my existential. I want people to know me. And the so called luck helped me. My works, my eager to achieve are sometimes based on this motive. The motive that was invented by the bullying I had when I was in middle school. I want people to see that I'm not that guy anymore, that I've changed even that I'm a lot better than them now. I achieve much. I handle things good in my way. I believed that. That saved my self image. The only problem is that it gets out of line. I got arrogant and over optimistic. I forget that I'm not perfect. I still have many flaws. I can be wrong.

When you expect too much of yourself, you also get disappointed much. If you want to be something, just give yourself as your best shot. If you don't get what you want, maybe you're not made for that. Maybe you're made for something else that's more "you" out there. Let life forces decide where you belong. Don't be too ambitious for something. Want, but never get obsessed. Wish for ideal things, but never forget the reality. Let go. Don't hold on to something too strong.

I guess being lucky, being easy was just bonuses. Bonuses don't happen all the time, right? I shouldn't see myself as the super potential. If it's time for bonus let it happen. In case it's not, well let's just make this real and work the ass off.