Reinhard Gouw's Journal

I'm a human.
I'm not a machine.

I started to realize how tiring life is when you have so many aspects of life to maintain.

I've been restless.
In week 3 of my recovery post-surgery, I've been forcing myself to dance. Other than that, student council matters. No more urgent tasks in those aspects, but now I'm occupied with piling final exam works.
When will I be able to rest my body?
I'm not feeling well at all. Other than the queasy feeling in my stomach that comes and goes, the raw throat that seems to having a hard time to leave, weird ear blocks, headaches, and all the unknown indications that started to make me feel guilty for not resting back then.

Other than that, I start to have psychological issues. Like the regret that comes and goes about a project,  the fact that I still have cousin-issues, attitude problem, and all mess that happened these days. I randomly think about this life and how I feel like I'm walking in a drama that I'm leaving 2 years from now as a free human that should be able to survive on my own, and how it becomes burden since I started thinking how would I face that if I have no preparations like the current condition and if I'm gonna prepare, how?

I'm tired of being perfect. I'm tired of having a strong pride that doesn't want myself to look even just a little imperfect in front of everyone. I'm tired of not being able to put it down a little and just chill. I'm tired to have to prepare this stupid english exam well in spite of the fact that I don't want to be chosen for the incoming competition, but I also don't want my score to be bad. I'm tired of NOT BEING ABLE TO JUST BREAK DOWN AND LET MYSELF DO IT BAD. I'm tired of being perfect, I really do.

I'm tired of thinking. I'm tired of sleeping late at night. I'm tired of realizing that I am an individual, a single human that has to survive on his own in times like this.

I'm tired.

It's the first day in the past 2 weeks that I got to lay down for a while leaving everything aside. There were lots of things I've been busy about. Student council, dance jobs, etc. I've been missing so much from college assignments. Trying to keep up was just too tiring for me. I didn't quite remember everything I should. I can't hold too much. I remember a mentor once said to me that I'm not the multitasking type. Maybe I'm not. haha. But somehow it's still fun to feel busy, despite all the exhaustments.

That's a short update on my daily life.
Do you remember that last year I've been trying to build up my rebel side? Yes, that bold or we should say, cocky guy. I managed to pull that off this year. Slowly. I thought it's gonna be all fine. Turns out that last year's trial left stains here and there this year. I'm still having problem with anger-management,  I'm still too arrogant to be gentle, I got rejected in a project I've always been passionate for,. Well, now I have to mend things, little by little.

To be honest, I wasn't too happy with the consequences. I started blaming and defending myself in ways that would never get me to figure that I can't go back in time to change my choices.

But last year's resolution was not a curse. In this life, there are no things that are purely bad or purely good.
I maybe failed in being considerate and in control. But there are some insights that I can be proud of. Some friends helped me see from different perspective, and told me that people considerate me a bold and true person. I don't fake out, I say things as they are. At least I have something to always hold on to. I was extreme last year about it, but the core of being that kind of person is good.  I am not fake.



The idea of being bold is good when you know the line. People will hate you and respect you at the same time since you can confidently be inside your own shirt, your own shoes, your own eyes, your own mind. They know your ideas. Maybe they will fear you too because you're different. Being bold will make you stand out. Especially in eastern countries like this where human being try to maintain themselves the way others want to see. Sometimes it will hurt people too because you don't try to make them feel the way they want. But there will be times when they come to you looking for the truth when others are just faking.

I've never been too proud with my control-problem that comes with my boldness. I will always try to fix it. But I've never been too shameful with my boldness either. Let people know the color. This is my quality, and I believe in it. Take it or leave it. Yes, it has downsides. But if you decide to leave it, then you don't worth the quality. And that only means someone else does. Life is all about perspectives anyway.

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I decided not to continue the journal about tonsillectomy. There would be too much to share. haha. Actually to sum up, the first week was painful and exhausting, but once you get to the second, it will get easier. The third would be easy as pie and next is nothing. You'll heal faster than you think. So I can now eat things I want to. Even though I'm still having raw/sore throat. I hope it recovers soon.

Hey bloggie.

I'm a little bit excited to share something big.

I AM PROUDLY A FRESH GRADUATE!

....got ya.
You read the title, right?

I just went through TONSILLECTOMY as my first surgery precisely last week and now on a recovery bedrest.
It's not because I wanted to escape from daily extreme-busy-ness I've been complaining the past few weeks. If I meant to, I would have chosen Alaska. or Namibia. whatever. This escape is not actually sweet, it's ROUGH.

So the whole story was that I had been having throat inflammation for the past 2 years, and it was clearly not a good fact for me. I tried doctors, and doctors, THTs, and THTs. Some of them succeeded in healing me with their choice of antibiotics, BUT, the inflammation would come back in a short period of time. So in conclusion, for the past 2 years, healthy period was nothing compared to the inflammation period.

The peak event was 2 weeks ago, having hard and hurting time to swallow food (another events before were having 3 days hiccups, etc.). After that, I went to RSI to check my throat for the 731th or 732th time, and the doctor pinpointed that it's probably my tonsil the whole time. Well some acquaintance mentioned that before to me, and now maybe is the best time to progress further. I was given medicines again to reduce the swelling of my tonsil, So on the next week's Tuesday I went to RKZ to consult with a familiar doctor, and was convinced even more to process with the surgery. I was surprised myself that we scheduled it super early, on Friday that week. He also warned that I would have to be aware of what I had to face 1 month post-surgery.

3 points.
- 1 - I would have to have 1 week bed rest in home after the period in hospital.
- 2 - My diet would be:
WEEK 1 - super smooth porridge, vanilla ice cream, porridge
WEEK 2 - marie regal + milk, misua
WEEK 3&4 - steamed rice
then freedom.
- 3 - Forbidden: hot, spicy, solid foods; sports

I was having hard time because I had a HUGE dance competition to be in, an international dance workshop that I've been waiting for all m life, and also a dance job. Other than that, I also have obligations in student council and all the university things. But then again, the doctor said something about having the chance in these periods, so there goes.

It's been a real while since my last post. An unusual period for me not to write.
This is not a quality post for anyone other than me.

Whatever.
Anyway, today I want to make a confession.
I confess that I am such a conceited guy.
I demand things to be perfect. And perfect is usually the way I want them to be. I always want to be someone with position. And if I don't get what I want? It's not my fault. Everything going wrong in front of my eyes is obviously the fault of someone who's taking my idealism away. Things have to be like what they should be for me. And if not? They're just total dumb. They're horrible and it needs change. It needs me. Or at least I should talk, manipulate, make my way to others to agree with me. Right?

And now I know all the time that I'm such an asshole for being that guy.

Today, I realized that I talked too much. I've been saying things I want to say like a stupid, lack-of-self-control type of person. I can't hold myself from saying something to express how I feel. Yes, I pack it so nicely that no one knows I'm heart-pouring, and mostly think that I'm just being logical. Yes, I'm smart. I'm brilliant. I'm genius. I talk smoothly and craftily. I'm good at that. But that doesn't make the condition change the way I want it to. That doesn't make me accept the fact that it doesn't go the way I want it to. Well in the end, that doesn't make me feel satisfied. I thought, "well, at least I said it out loud like a boss". No. It's never enough. I still demand change. Change that is likely not happening.

I need to learn to be grateful with just the way I am and the way things are in the present. Maybe, it's a part of mindfulness. Not regretting for not having the ideal condition of mine, and start realizing what is here now, who I am, where I am, what I can and cannot possibly do.

A friendly reminder to myself:

Think before you open your mouth.
STOP playing the perfect guy and learn to accept that you're not.

I'm done!
That's relieving.