Reinhard Gouw's Journal

Hi!
4th semester is officially over! haha. It means I'm halfway of this university life. God, I'm old. Time flies too fast.

That doesn't mean my business is over. Maybe I'm literally not having any real summer holiday this year. Incoming project, incoming dance werks. I still have to arrange time like routines. But other than that, it is seen as an incredibly long break from college! May end-August mid. How amazing is that?

So to spend the holiday straightaway, me and my family went to Singapore. It's been one and a half year since the last time I go to that lion mermaid origin. First we went to Jakarta for a wedding, then the next day straightaway to the lion city throwdown.

It's 5 days of shopping. I planned to hold down on spending and have at least 1/4 saving of what I had. So my target was only jeans for daily use, and also wallet. Yes, I got the jeans, 2 pieces. Then one shirt. OK. A pair of shoes for daily use also. OK. Then this and that.
And the last day kinda ruined it. I found this awesome shorts with leather print and also gold zippers on the side. Mahn. It was more of my style than what I've seen the past 4 days! So without further ado, I ended up spending all of my possession.

What I realized in these days, is that Singaporean peoples' style isn't too catchy for my eyes like it was couple of years ago. A lot of them wear basics, 7/8 cut chinos, or shorties that almost looks like hotpants. And again, basics are the essential part of their wear. Been rounding Bangkok back and forth in the last 2 years, I find the styles there more interesting. Streetstyles are different here and there. Many wear striking apparels that are dare-worth. People are quite unique in combining here and there. So for sense of style, I personally like Bangkok more than here. Well for me, in Singapore it's about elegance but Bangkok is about wilderness. And I'm not really the elegant wearer. haha. But hair? Don't ask. Here is perfect.

Other than that, cleanliness perfect. Tidiness and assertiveness perfect. English? Damn. As usual I had a hard time in listening. I even feel that I understand Bangkok's English accent more than here. In Bangkok, they will mostly say only 3 words in incomplete sentence with messy grammar. But it's understandable since they expertise their body language to make people understand. Here? Great grammars, but confusing-for-me pronunciation.

So, to sum up, I now prefer traveling to Bangkok more than SG. I enjoy it more since they have great streetfoods also with a fair amount of price, also I can do great business while shopping, people with wild street styles, and also the feeling that your English is better than them. haha.

That's just me blabbing about Singapore and Bangkok and here is some good snaps.





Yes, it's Devina Aurel. haha. Epic moment. I was looking all stupid and freakish with all that nervousness. :)
Anyway thank God it happened!


Such a good start for a long long holiday.
What's next?

HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT ONE TOO!

Time flies.
As time goes by, many things happen with it. Good or bad, euphoric or traumatic. These things brought changes. Even ones we never imagined before. Ironically, change is the only thing constant in this world.

Not only things change, but those who we know. People.
You never know when you try to reach out to a good old friend whose accompany you always enjoy, who you got each others' back; only to find them acting as if those times weren't there. That you are nothing more than just somebody they used to know and that you're in different worlds?

I've never given a care to this damn people-relationship world. I'm not quite a fan of friend-drama. But somehow it almost feels sad that I lost someone who used to be so close to me. It's like what's back there, the past, was in parallel world and will never comply to the present. It was good times, and to know that such fact has become only memory is..saddening.

Sometimes, there's a need to try to get them back. Remind them of how we were. A little hit on the head won't kill. But if that person thinks of you as nothing of their concern anymore, even make you feel looked-down at, well then take a leave. Your friend is gone. Maybe it's better burying that fact. It doesn't exist anymore. You live in different worlds. It's dead.

I'm not an expert in this, but you can always choose to make people feel valuable by remembering them, how you were together. When you think you reach a different place, remember you were somewhere with them together in your journey here. Without them back then, something would be different in your story. Maybe they were the ones making it a good story. Maybe they were the rainbow in the rain. Even maybe, they take parts in you being here right now. At least respect people you spent quality time with.

That's why I dislike how humanity bothers someone. Without feelings everything would be so neat.

I'm a human.
I'm not a machine.

I started to realize how tiring life is when you have so many aspects of life to maintain.

I've been restless.
In week 3 of my recovery post-surgery, I've been forcing myself to dance. Other than that, student council matters. No more urgent tasks in those aspects, but now I'm occupied with piling final exam works.
When will I be able to rest my body?
I'm not feeling well at all. Other than the queasy feeling in my stomach that comes and goes, the raw throat that seems to having a hard time to leave, weird ear blocks, headaches, and all the unknown indications that started to make me feel guilty for not resting back then.

Other than that, I start to have psychological issues. Like the regret that comes and goes about a project,  the fact that I still have cousin-issues, attitude problem, and all mess that happened these days. I randomly think about this life and how I feel like I'm walking in a drama that I'm leaving 2 years from now as a free human that should be able to survive on my own, and how it becomes burden since I started thinking how would I face that if I have no preparations like the current condition and if I'm gonna prepare, how?

I'm tired of being perfect. I'm tired of having a strong pride that doesn't want myself to look even just a little imperfect in front of everyone. I'm tired of not being able to put it down a little and just chill. I'm tired to have to prepare this stupid english exam well in spite of the fact that I don't want to be chosen for the incoming competition, but I also don't want my score to be bad. I'm tired of NOT BEING ABLE TO JUST BREAK DOWN AND LET MYSELF DO IT BAD. I'm tired of being perfect, I really do.

I'm tired of thinking. I'm tired of sleeping late at night. I'm tired of realizing that I am an individual, a single human that has to survive on his own in times like this.

I'm tired.

It's the first day in the past 2 weeks that I got to lay down for a while leaving everything aside. There were lots of things I've been busy about. Student council, dance jobs, etc. I've been missing so much from college assignments. Trying to keep up was just too tiring for me. I didn't quite remember everything I should. I can't hold too much. I remember a mentor once said to me that I'm not the multitasking type. Maybe I'm not. haha. But somehow it's still fun to feel busy, despite all the exhaustments.

That's a short update on my daily life.
Do you remember that last year I've been trying to build up my rebel side? Yes, that bold or we should say, cocky guy. I managed to pull that off this year. Slowly. I thought it's gonna be all fine. Turns out that last year's trial left stains here and there this year. I'm still having problem with anger-management,  I'm still too arrogant to be gentle, I got rejected in a project I've always been passionate for,. Well, now I have to mend things, little by little.

To be honest, I wasn't too happy with the consequences. I started blaming and defending myself in ways that would never get me to figure that I can't go back in time to change my choices.

But last year's resolution was not a curse. In this life, there are no things that are purely bad or purely good.
I maybe failed in being considerate and in control. But there are some insights that I can be proud of. Some friends helped me see from different perspective, and told me that people considerate me a bold and true person. I don't fake out, I say things as they are. At least I have something to always hold on to. I was extreme last year about it, but the core of being that kind of person is good.  I am not fake.



The idea of being bold is good when you know the line. People will hate you and respect you at the same time since you can confidently be inside your own shirt, your own shoes, your own eyes, your own mind. They know your ideas. Maybe they will fear you too because you're different. Being bold will make you stand out. Especially in eastern countries like this where human being try to maintain themselves the way others want to see. Sometimes it will hurt people too because you don't try to make them feel the way they want. But there will be times when they come to you looking for the truth when others are just faking.

I've never been too proud with my control-problem that comes with my boldness. I will always try to fix it. But I've never been too shameful with my boldness either. Let people know the color. This is my quality, and I believe in it. Take it or leave it. Yes, it has downsides. But if you decide to leave it, then you don't worth the quality. And that only means someone else does. Life is all about perspectives anyway.

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I decided not to continue the journal about tonsillectomy. There would be too much to share. haha. Actually to sum up, the first week was painful and exhausting, but once you get to the second, it will get easier. The third would be easy as pie and next is nothing. You'll heal faster than you think. So I can now eat things I want to. Even though I'm still having raw/sore throat. I hope it recovers soon.