Reinhard Gouw's Journal

Hello. I'm officially 24 as per yesterday.

I expected nothing much out of this year, because as much as I'd hate to admit it, we all say "just another year, another birthday". But that's why I decided to change it.

I decided to dare myself to do something I've been reluctant to do.

First of all, thank you for all the wishes put on LINE, Instagram DM, and even a lot of friends posted photos of me with their kind and thoughtful wishes. I am forever grateful. Grateful to know that my presence in this world somehow becomes a positive variable for you to share in socmed. It means a lot to me. It brightens my day. Behind all that positivity, there's something that's stuck in my unconscious. "Will they still see me the same way?"

It's a pity to almost always feel like people don't completely understand you. Especially when they're your closest people. To feel that "best friends" doesn't always go mutually because there are a certain part of you that you can't share. Some people regard me as what you call that: best friend, or close friend, or brother and yeah, as a social being, I comply with the scenario. But deep down, I know I can't feel the same way. You don't know me. How can I think of you that way?

But living for 24 years, with all the character progression that I've been through. Acceptance from my mom and sister, from a lot of friends since the beginning of the year. And the fact that I'm planning to move overseas soon. I decided, no more. No more leaving my close friends in the dark. No more letting them think I feel the same way about them when I don't. They deserve to know. And if they can't accept it, then it is what it is. Because just as they say, those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.

And it goes the same to you who's reading this.

You're gonna know something about me that only a few valuable people in my life know. And if you're open enough to accept it, then we're all smiles. If you can't accept it or thinking about changing this part of me, just don't even bother. Believe me, I've been through that phase way longer than you think you will go through. Through dark pits and hell. Long enough to finally embrace it and find a way to love myself.

I have two good friends. One of them I've been good friend with for 8 years. Another one for 2 years, and we hang out a lot. They're as straight as ruler.  (oh hey, welcome to the club now :) ) Sometimes they would make these homophobic jokes, which I usually make no response of. They never know, but they used to hurt me at first (your best friends, making jokes about your identity. how kind of them). But hey, growing up in this conservative society with wicked media representation of who you are just turns you into a steel, right. But that gave me this fear of letting them know this part of me.

I always hit myself with all sorts of questions like

- how will they react?

- will they see me the same way?

- will they start to avoid me?

- will they be scared of me because that's how the media suggest them to?

- will they perform an exorcism on me because I'm just a devil incarnate?

all these questions, made me decide to just leave them in the dark. I thought it's better not to let them know. What's the need to let them know anyway? Let's just play the daily scenarios and we'll be fine. But no. I start thinking of a bigger cause: I want my closest friends to know who I am, see for themselves how I'm the same person they know all along, and decide whatever the fuck they're going to decide. And moreover, the chance of letting them know the truth about us: we're humans like you. We're not that thoughtless, lustful, emotionally unstable being you see represented on the media.

At least if my good friends get to know me more as a person, as a human, as their good friend.

I hope they can stand for me and people like me.

From this brutal, hateful, judgemental society who deprive people of their life choices for the sake of their own versions of "rightgeousness".

All those thoughts, and there I did. I told them about my sexuality. How I've been afraid to tell them. How it feels bad to not be able to think of them as best friends just as they do. How the media and the "divine" community created that inhuman image of us. And how now I feel glad I can feel accepted for who I am.

"You're still my brother."

Those words were one of the most meaningful words I've ever heard in my life. They accepted me for who I am, just like the people before them. But what made it more meaningful was that, as a full-pledged heterosexuals (who I consider not open at first) they decided not to look at me the way the media looks at me, but the same way they see me all this time. Thank you Yoko, thank you Jay. You two made my birthday.

And by officially coming out in my blog, I want to say thank you all the people that accepted me for who I am. That are open enough to let me be brave and tell you who I am. I can never thank you enough. You made my world a better place, a liveable place to live in. You gave me hope. Happiness. And gratitude words can never fathom.

To Mom. To my sister. To Lia. Samantha. Joditha. Ipin. Inez. Abel. Indira. Gaboy. Suryadi. Bayu. Donna. Ste. Atin. Andrian. Reivaldi. Silpong. Zendy. Bon. Lim. Levi. Ko Leo. Eric Theddy. Beta. Risandy. Sylvia. Edog. Myra. Peter. Silvi. Hanol. Pak Andrian Liem. Dela. Kevin. Gilbert. Tara. Danny. Caroline. Feli. Marbel. Opel. And many more.

I hope life gives you happiness in your journey throughout.

Monday, April 16th 2018 |

They may seem like a regular couple. But what intrigued me was the fact that Chella Man is actually a trans male. Honestly, I've never known any trans male before, only trans female. And it surprised me since Chella had these super masculine features. His physical build, his voice, his gestures, everything is just 100% male that I didn't realize his gender until my friend told me the fact.

Little Chella has always been dysphoric about her gender and her body since she was only a kid. His mom explained it too well in a letter to Chella that Chella asked her to write. If you are homophobic or transphobic, try and cure yourself with this video. This video mesmerized me. How great the amount of love a mother can contain. We'll never know.

From the letter we can understand the struggles of him through his journey and his mom. How painful a gender dysphoria can be for someone and their family. How beautiful her love throughout that journey. Just..wow. Look how happy he is with his body now. :)

Sometimes being open minded can make you seem like you have double standard. Or worse, two-faced.

This past few months, some of my closest friends who are couples were hitting rough path in their relationship. Being an open mind that I am, I try to be neutral. For me, no one is completely right nor completely wrong. No one is the bad side and none is the good side. I don't really fancy that game. And even if, it is 99% someone's fault. I don't side with the other one. I don't choose sides. Yes, I might support the other one to take action and save themselves, but no. I never side with anyone. At least not when it doesn't come to abuse or harm.

To sum it up, personally for me my close friends' relationship is only a part of their life, and they are in complete control of it. I never see my friend as "their relationship". People just have their own ways of handling relationship and that means their relationship doesn't define them. So yes, even when I loathe someone's attitude in a relationship, I never loathe them as a human, moreover when it comes to the people close to me. So yes, I would still be close with everyone even though I don't support their relationship.

Apparently. In the midst of these relationship dramas (yes, there are more than one couple :) ) I'm standing between, there's a party who started thinking that I'm two-faced and actually siding with their partner. And started shitting on me with avoidance, cold shoulders and stuffs. At first, I tried to think positively, that it was just a bad day. But this person kept doing it after a few days.

At times, I thought I should reflect and be bolder with the sides I was on. But no, I don't wanna be that person. I am bold enough with my gray area. I won't be black or white just because someone wants me to. And if losing a good friend was the risk of it then so be it. It just means that they aren't grown enough to deal with the complexity of social relations. That's it. I don't wanna have to ask for friendship. If you can't afford it, then begone. 

It's been a long time since I wrote about friendship. haha. But I feel like I just want to let it out because it's been bugging me. The way people behave are just weird.

Today I had a nice talk with someone. We talked about a lot of things. Religion, society, human, the purpose of living, god.

Some points of the talk depressed me. We agreed that the world is an unfair place. Because some people just experienced horrible things that no one should have ever experienced. Like the explosion of firecracker factory case last year which killed people. That incarceration of a family in a toilet which led to five survivors watching their family members dying one by one. Or even The Holocaust by NAZI which ended six million innocent Jews lives, or that 1998 tragedy in Indonesia where a lot of tiong hoa families have to witness their own family members getting raped, killed, and mutilated. And thousands of other (I don't know any worse words to correctly describe it) bloodcurdling things that happened in this world.

Then he popped some questions. Where is God (if there's any), in these times? Why is God silent when people cried out in their excruciating pain? Being a God, an omnipotent being, it must've been easy to appear anywhere and save thousands of people in just a snap. Why not doing that?

For me, those questions make sense. Just WHY?

I remembered one of my teacher who is also a counselor told me a story. About a gay student who admitted being gay because of sexual abuse by his colleagues. He was anally raped. Then being a conventional Christian with conventional views about sexual orientation, she always encouraged this student to try and be straight, just to comply with (what she believes) as Christian commandments. He then answered with a question. "Why? Where was God when I screamed for Him (he was also a Christian) when I was raped?". My teacher could not answer a single thing.

The point was not about the fact that some gay dudes raped him (like some straight guys do to girls) or about his sexual orientation or conventional Christian views. (Trust me, I am so familiar of different sexual orientations). It's about that question. WHY? Why does God let such horrifying things happen to people who even cried out and begged Him to spare their lives? It's unjust. And seems very (bluntly speaking), cruel.

It seemed as we are nothing. Nothing significant. Nothing of importance. Then our talk continued to existential perspective. Just then, what is the purpose of living? Because for him (and also evolutionary speaking), we live just simply to die. Like flies who have short lives, or chicken and other meat which in the end only serves as human meal.

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I am sorry if what I shared above sound depressing to you. To be honest, it was also depressing for me. Those questions left me in silence. And also sadness. He got some points. And most of them are undeniable. It just seems to appear that we are a mortal human being, who will one day become dust in the wind, and also only a forgotten name in the long history of world. And if only the concept of god (who is also believed as the creator who gives meaning and purpose) is real, why does god let horrifying things happen? It just added more gap to the meaning of life.

Being as clueless as I am, and maybe as everyone else in this world about this question; deep inside, I only know one thing.

"I will never find the answer in my lifetime."

This sounds like the dumbest answer that I can give to myself. But somehow it makes sense, and it works. At least for me. Those are questions that most likely everyone in this world won't be able to answer. Just like all the theories and concepts, including religions, in this world, humans only can go as far as hunching, giving opinion based on humanly logic and facts, or formally researching and testing theories. Which are also bound by a lot of variables like time, place, situations. 

As much as Meaning is one of my main values in life, I prefer to set aside this whole backend of world and how life works. Because I know I won't have the answer. Maybe I will, in death. But as long as I live, it will always be a question. Each one of us is living in this world with a bet. If you're a believer in the afterlife like me, no one will know whether we're doing this life right or wrong. We simply (and also complexly) believe what we believe and do our best in it.

A good friend of mine believe in Christianity. She goes to church every Sunday, and that's the way she knows to be a good human. Another is an Arabic descend who believes in Islam. He believes he's being a good human and will be rewarded when he complies with Islamic customs like doing 5 daily prayers. Another one is an Atheist. He believes he is a good human when he shares kindness to other creatures and help them find their wellbeing. And that's just as beautiful.

Who is doing life the right way? The Christian? The Moslem? The Atheist?

NO ONE. FUCKING. KNOWS.

You might believe it's the Christian because you are one. Or The Moslem. Or maybe The Atheist. But we, everyone of us will only really, genuinely, completely, truthfully know the answer when our race ends.

And the paragraph above serves as a bridge to my thought that it is already so heavy. This one burden that we have in our backs of "doing life the right way" is more than enough for us to deal with. To answer that question about why God can seem so ignorant, or why chickens exist only to die and fill our stomach? We will never know. It's an unfair world. And the universe (or "God" if you'd prefer ) is too huge, too transcend for us to comprehend. At least in our lifetime.

I respect my friend for having that thought. Maybe his level of Meaning as a value is way above mine. And I love him for tingling my mind up about this. It gives me more understanding of humanity, him, and myself more. But as for myself, practically speaking, I don't see any points to give meaning to those questions. Not even have a thought of it. Because it would be pointless without possibility of having an answer. I can hate life, feel disappointed of it, or be depressed, or feel small and vulnerable in this crazy universe because of it, but I choose the other way around.

*I'm literally shedding tears when typing this*

I choose to love Life. I choose to put my trust in it.

And whether Life for you or me is The Universe, or God, or anything that you believe in; I choose to believe that everything that happens in this world whether heavenly good, or dreadfully bad, serves as a meaningful purpose (for whatever or whoever that is) that we may never understand. And I prefer to just focus on being good human in the way that I believe, just as I (personally) believe all of you, my friend should do with your own beliefs.

And this way, I believe I (and maybe you) can feel better. Free of unimportant burdens. Stop questioning. It's Life. It's unfair. But it can also be beautiful. Embrace it, don't fight it. There are beautiful feelings that we might be able to reap in this way of thinking, like joy, happiness, gratitude, content, calm, and maybe if we're lucky:

Peace.

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Hit me up with thoughts if you have them will you?