Reinhard Gouw's Journal

"As mist was covering sight, the warrior fell into the ground. Barely seeing, somehow the fireflies shone even brighter than ever. One of them flew near the warrior. He recognized the firefly. The one he crossed path with so many times along the journey. The one that left some staining color on his armor. The one he's too afraid to go with yet too desolate to go without. As he was relieved with the presence, another one flew near. A consuming pulse was running straight to him. The warrior came to a quandary. What will he do next? Which one? To try again or to start? Deep inside, he knew the right answer. a bold NO. On the easier level, it's about trust and mistrust. So far, he chose to let it just fly around, at least for now."

Blood quandary.
I can say that I've been sipping things I shouldn't. Somehow, I'm getting used to it. What if it's actually the way to get rid of this? What if I get used to this, and then it leads to deprivation of the feeling?

Then again, maybe all these haze is just me and my personal fable.

Dear blog,

It's Steven. It's not my first time posting, I'm here most of the time. But it is my first time coming out with my name in this blog.
Today I come out when he's Alton. He's been Alton this whole time. And I think he's losing it. I see that it's too much of a boldness he has, too much of a rudeness he possess, and that he's been low on himself.

It didn't feel good at all, waking up randomly. Seeing that everything you were enjoying felt like it's been wrong the whole time because the emotions came out. The things you shut outside just came in and telling you how wrong it's been.
And this has been happening not just this once.

I guess I miss the part where Alton doesn't exist.

It's finally over! Final exams and along with it, the whole 2nd semester. It feels like a huge chunk lifted up from your chest. It actually barely felt like a learning semester since I was too busy busying myself with other things than classes. And I promise I won't do it next semester. College classes should always be the number one priority!

I've had enough of days with hour 5 sleeps. And now it's time to enjoy the long holiday...or not. There's still O-Week committee waiting, also Psychology Parents Gathering, and the other small things I couldn't recall or that maybe literally don't exist at all. The holiday is going to be busy. But it's still a holiday so presume there will still be a lot of recreation times.

This means that I've done a year in this university. And to be honest, there's one goal I failed to fulfill: To have my own sustainable profit in the first year. Well, maybe it failed. But there's another part of my goal in this chapter that is going well.

I should've shared this 2 days ago, but you know final exams all over my head so here it is. The throwback of what BDC has been doing for the past 2 weeks.

We spent quite a lot of time together despite the final exam, we prepared for quite a big project for us, a flashmob for Fimela Girl Festival in Ciputra World Surabaya. The hardest part is to look for participants and keeping them, because there's another ongoing flashmob and also a lot of events happening. But after all, we still had a good number. The best part is that we get to bond more, day and night. Practicing in the parking lot, dinner together. A lot of bonding especially the dicks. haha.
To cut the long tale short, it's quite a success after the time sacrifices that we did. Thank God!

The MEGA Flashmob "GENTLEMAN" in Fimela Girl Festival, Ciputra World Surabaya.

Thank you God, FimelaGIRL, Ciputra World Surabaya, THE CROWD, and especially, Big Dance Crew.
For the people there, maybe it's another big crowd dancing. For me, it's a big dream fulfilling.
Before I entered college I promised myself I would put my mark on this college life. I believe that my presence would mean something big.
Well maybe this is just a beginning but you just made it for me. You helped me draw a special line in my drawing and that's already more than everything.
You're the definition of love and pride for me.
Thank you. Let's take this small team to the big dream. :)

I guess humans have their own reasons for their behavior. And now I think I'm starting to learn mine.
How I always try to pursue achievements, fame, and everyone's attention. I try to make people see me just to make sure I won't be left out like I was 7 years ago when people made fun of me, forgot me, and made me feel like I'm nothing but alone my personal fable. I remember how I thought I was that cool and special kid but then it turned out otherwise. How I always did horrible at sports that it scared me every time I have to do it because I didn't want them to laugh. How I thought I couldn't do anything good and didn't have anything to impress. Those were the things that make me who I am today. An achievement-pursuer.

These achievements that I pursue, whether it's organizational, dance, networks, anything; I assume that unconsciously  I do these things to make people actually realize that I'm there. That I'm not nothing. That they can't make fun of me again. Everyone has to recognize that I'm there and I'm something. Consider this a revenge. And I don't know why, it never feels enough.

Let me tell you a bit about me. Things have changed. I have a lot of people that I can call friend, close friend, or good friend. I don't have to be afraid that I will be made fun of again, 'cause I have them to back me up and support me. I don't have to be afraid that they forgot me, 'cause there will always be another who would accept me, if I'm not wrong. I don't have to be afraid that they call me pussy as I am horrible in sports, 'cause I can dance well and that's more than enough as a talent, and I know that humans are given different capabilities. I don't have to be afraid that I will feel nothing as I know I have things to be proud of. But then again, I feel that I'm missing something I don't know, something I need to complete this.

 I doubt so much it's a relationship, as I'm on the run for achievements. Even if it is, I'm not ready. I don't want to. I know I will hurt. Because of the pursuit, and because of the vampirism. I'm not sure that I'm fully cured, and I don't want to move to the right one doubting like this. I don't want to hurt. Isn't it better not stepping at all, just for now?

This pursuit, sometimes it tires me so much. Sometimes, I even feel like I'm taking things that I'm actually not capable of. And people are OK with that, not realizing that I'm actually good in talks and not in acts. I get tired of myself. But then again, I'm still running.

As you realize, this blog has turned to journal more than inspiration. I don't feel like I should be inspiring someone inside this contemplation I am in. I really need some clarity on myself..