Now, for the issue I told you in the post before storytelling. Let this be the part where I reflect and not only share with you but, also share as a lesson for myself.

In the present, my family is wonderful. My mom and dad getting along well, my sister starting to be productive, they get along beautifully. The problem is me. I have this bipolar and alter ego situation that disturbs when I'm with my family. Well right now it's not that ugly and I progressed. But you know, I used to become easily irritated, depressed without reason, and go off on an emotional rampage, react with anger easily, don't like spending time at home so I had this one thousand business outside (which is positive at some sides), and other bad things that never happened outside the circle. I even show my dislike towards the question "pulang jam berapa nanti?" or just a simple "hari ini kamu mau kemana aja?". My family knows me as a whole different person than how my friends do. They think I'm an intelligent arrogant emotional matter.  I see myself as this full of energy, productive, achieving, and positive guy outside home. But inside home, I only find myself as a conceited guy with anger issues.

I managed to change a lot for the past one year, but it still happens out of control sometimes. Every time my depressed mode is active, I can't handle questions like "Kamu kenapa ren?" and other questions regarding my bad vibe.

Just last night when I went on a family time, it got out of control and got the vibe worse. When it's cooling down, I decided to tell my mother about my psychological issue. I told her that I'm sorry for that disorder. When my mom told me to get over it, I lashed out again. I told her it's not that easy, that it's automatic. She told me that not everyone would try understand me with that. I la told her that the problem was that the trigger's only inside the family. Outside, it doesn't happen. I noticed that she was a little shocked and speechless, which made me sad and regretted that I said that. She must be so disappointed and felt that I was blaming my whole family. She asked me, "Trus kita harus gimana lagi, Ren? Kita lo sudah sampe nunduk-nunduk ke kamu.. Papamu juga sudah sampe ati-ati ngomong mbe kamu". I only told her that I am trying to fix this.

Somehow in the quarrels with my mom, I found myself unconsciously and repeatedly yelling that I survived on my own back then. (I finally told them the bullying story some months ago). It's like I wanted them to know out loud that I survived without them, and they weren't there at all. Then I thought, maybe it was the reason of the trigger. Maybe I feel that they don't understand me. That they don't even know how I suffered and struggled.They didn't even say sorry.

Therefore, I tried to tell my mom how I felt. She told me to move on. That's it's just a past and no need to pry about it. I lashed out again, saying that the past still affects me now and I don't know what to do with the scar. Then the quarrel ended.

When we got home, I suddenly wanna apologize to my mom and hug her, especially because I'm blaming them. I realized that it was so childish of me, all these personality issues. Then I said sorry and hugged her before going upstairs to bed. She told me something that really makes me embarrassed of myself. "Cobaen liat yang lebih soro Ren, mama dulu lebih soro, dihajar sama mama e mama, malu ke sekolah merah-merah. Kamu sekarang lebih enak, dikasih uang, bawa mobil sendiri, mau kemana ae isa". That moment, I was so embarrassed of me blaming them. My mom suffered from a harsh education method of her mom, and also a worse problem with her dad. Compared to her, my problem was nothing. My condition in the present, compared to her condition at the same age, was heaven and hell. Maybe my parents don't do appreciation towards my achievement much compared to the world outside the circle (another thing I unconsciously and repeatedly yelled about in quarrels with them), but in this age, I realize that they are ones who would still be with me if I don't have dance, organization skill, and achievements themselves.

Now I understand that there is nothing to be angry about anymore.
It's over. Everything's fine right now.
I should have nothing against my mom, my dad, my sister.
I should only make them happy. Happy and proud.