Reinhard Gouw's Journal

Some time ago, someone introduced me to these couple. They are Chella Man and MaryV.

It felt like dark chocolate.
It felt like sweet smiles.
It felt like my favorite laugh.
It felt like being loved, but unable to return the favor.
It felt like a place to crash. And hug. And cuddle.
It felt like comfort. Though at times, anxiousness.
It felt like a strong force, making me fall even at times when I shouldn't.
It felt like hurricane.
It felt like dark rose, tempting me to embrace my cravings of oh sweet sin.
It felt like its thorns, even though I never cared about the sting.
It felt warm. And cold at the same time.
It felt like dark gray, with a hint of white that I always tried to bring out.
It felt like rum and bitter wine.
It felt like loving, but not having the favor returned.
It felt like I was gonna give it all.
It felt like Gabrielle Aplin. Singing about love and feeling home.
It felt like Frances. Giving a hint of goodbye and readiness to let go.
It felt like happiness.
It felt a lot like sadness.
It felt like loneliness.
.
.
.
.
.
It felt like love.
But it wasn't.

It is all over.
And it is time to put all this behind us.
Close the book.
Never to open. Nor tempted look at it ever again.

Here I am. Finding myself in a position I'd never preferred.
I was stuck in a stupid game called love. I thought I'd outsmart it, but it seems that I'm a fool when it comes to that thing.

To put it simply, I am the kind of person that thinks when I feel right with someone, they'll feel the same way. I thought that the relationship will happen, just because I feel it's going to happen. I was blinded from the fact that the feeling comes from my own heart. And I can't always expect the other party to feel the same.

Yes, I am a kid at love and relationship. Once I feel that way, I'd give my everything to that person. Time, focus, energy, thoughts. I'd be thoughtful. Just enough to feel for them. I'd be caring, just enough to want to know them deeply. I'd be supportive, just enough for a real relationship. Even when that person doesn't do the same. Though I always expect mutual actions from them.

These past few months, I've been stumbling here and there. Trying to give my all to some people. And got disappointed, over and over. I've always thought: Why can't they do the same? Why don't they want to know about me as much as I want to know about them? Why don't they give support and encouragement as much as I give them? Why do I feel like I'm the only one interested in making this thing grow?

Then a friend said to me, "That's you. They are not you. You can't expect someone to love you the same exact way that you love them. People have their own way of showing it". That hit me like a hammer. I remembered myself coming across the same issue with my ex. I expected this and that. So then, I lowered my expectation. I started learning to stop wanting people to show their affection to me the way that I show them.

The problem is, while doing that, I maintained my part the same way. I did everything I could do just to make them feel comfortable, supported, and loved. And in the end, I find it a lot more tiring, and disappointing. I'm coming back to the understanding that they didn't match my capacity for love. They're not worthy of it.

Maybe I was just too fast. Maybe I should not put my energy so much into relatioship. I don't know. I acknowledge that I was lonely. I was looking for affection. Maybe I still am, thanks to this psychosocial stage of life. But I know that I need to learn to value myself more. And focus more on achievements. Relationship and love is just a thing that gets in the way. If humans don't feel so much, everything would be so much easier.

Art by Joan Columbus

"I wish that I knew how to stop time."

Thanks to Adhitia Sofyan, I went into this page instead of working on my final project.

I just made a slight change inside my life. I decided to let go of someone. In these past few months I've been in a relationship only few know shits about ("relationship" is not always "that" relationship, so, whatever you'd like to believe). Not that it's not good. It's just I'm not ready. Not ready in spending much of my time for someone. Not ready to sacrifice my own ego for someone. Not ready to learn from someone instead of being the smart one, and ironically also not ready to spare my time being the smart one for someone 'cause I got my hands full trying to fix myself after what happened in my life. Yes, I must sound so self-centered.

So now, I'm a free soul all over again. I am that guy who loves indie musics, who walks too fast that everyone thinks he's arrogant, who has green hair, who spends too much time outside of house, who's so lazy despite of everyone's opinion that he's so productive, who has emotional issues, who has hidden insecurities, who loves to be with people, who loves organizing, and who is making his way up to a good life.
So who cares. I am happy. :)

"The thing about a thinker is that we need to write down the things in our head.... This will be letters to you. Every single moments that will remind us of us. This way, we'll never gonna die. 'Us' will never die".


I always tried to make myself believe that what I felt was real. That what I wanted to last forever would still be what I want to last forever.

It's peculiar that as I read those stories all over again, they are strangers. I get surprised of how I felt that way. How I wrote those stories like that. How those times were there. How the feeling happened.

As I read some passages saying I didn't know how I would cope with the relationship's ending, with not having 'us' in my days again, how I would forget those memories, how I would stop feeling those feelings. Now, I just feel nothing. Nothing at all.

Going through the book, somehow it gets sadder as I realize that it was a wonderful ride I didn't wanna lose, but now a story I don't wanna experience all over again. It's even sadder to acknowledge that love is just a story that moves on from one person to another. It blinds people making them believe in their own feelings, the forever and never.



Maybe we should stop saying those words. Honestly, we really never know what happens next.

"As mist was covering sight, the warrior fell into the ground. Barely seeing, somehow the fireflies shone even brighter than ever. One of them flew near the warrior. He recognized the firefly. The one he crossed path with so many times along the journey. The one that left some staining color on his armor. The one he's too afraid to go with yet too desolate to go without. As he was relieved with the presence, another one flew near. A consuming pulse was running straight to him. The warrior came to a quandary. What will he do next? Which one? To try again or to start? Deep inside, he knew the right answer. a bold NO. On the easier level, it's about trust and mistrust. So far, he chose to let it just fly around, at least for now."

Blood quandary.
I can say that I've been sipping things I shouldn't. Somehow, I'm getting used to it. What if it's actually the way to get rid of this? What if I get used to this, and then it leads to deprivation of the feeling?

Then again, maybe all these haze is just me and my personal fable.

This is gonna be my last post about what stresses me.
Yes,  it's you. Again.

I realized that I was so stupid just for the past month. I fell again, for you.
I gave hope for myself, that we'd be able to restart and begin again and even create a better story.
I forgot that you were the one who hurt me most in my life, not to forget that I hurt you too. But I never experienced such miserable times in my life, if it weren't for you.
And this is what I clearly forgot just some weeks ago:
You were the one who said I was the only one and would always be. I was the one who said I'm gonna move on.
What happened when we were apart is: You found another. I struggled to death to forget you, never found that someone else.
It took me hard times 'till I finally moved on.
Or at least that's what I thought before weeks ago when I felt so lonely and suddenly you crossed my mind again and I crossed yours. We got along again. It's not the first time for us to happen. Magically it happened like thousand times. But I believe right now, it's just a coincidence and how bad life tries to ruin me.
I stalked you everyday, reading what's in your mind. Reading your everyday life. Who you've been with. As always, I wondered hard about who your crush tweets are for, hoping it was for me. And how funny it was that I got pissed at myself every time I read your flirty words with someone else. haha. Also the fact that I daydreamed about you and lamely checked my phone frequently, waiting for your messages to come. It was 4 weeks of crush for me, after a long time of living without somebody in my mind.
I was astonished by how fast I fell all over again for you, remembering that just days before, I was fully over you. Then I thought, 3 years has passed since the day we met and time might have changed us. And as we went on without each other, we grew up to be a greater and wiser people than ever before. I thought that this would lead us to a better relationship. I tried to change my life. Tougher, stronger, bolder. I believe life has changed you to be a lot better too. You are. The part that saddened me badly is that you're still on your old habit, and you're signed up again to the place where I told you to leave from. Well, it's your life. And now I don't have the rights to bother again.
I am not a part of your life anymore. And also don't wanna be yours.
I live my life better without you. I think you do too.
It was just loneliness that bundled us up together.
We tried to reconcile a thousand times already. It's time for me to stop trying.
It was me who fell for you. It was always me.

These next days I won't be living my sad life thinking about you again, thinking about us.
I won't think about bringing your favorite cookies again, or about when I will spend time with you again.
I will post happy stories with people close to me.
I know you will too. You have such great friends, said it yourself. You actually know that you're not weak.
I know I'm weaker than you and fall for you quicker. But now I will push myself be stronger than ever.
It's done.

It feels awkward to just walk in to walk out.
To just cross the street and pass by.
I shouldn't have started it the first time. Maybe I'm just re-tied to the old fact we've been trying to bury. Scratching it up again was a mistake. That must be why I start to act like it still exists.
I've been burying and digging up again and again on the same place. When I thought it's buried for good I scratch it again before it is even done, and so horribly easy, it surfaces again. And now why is it even harder to bury again?
The real fact to be known is that nothing is ever here. And nothing is nothing at all.
This has to be the last one. And I beg myself, not to scratch anymore and just leave.

I can hardly differ emotions and nature anymore. Been fighting inside me and I can't act based on one of them; I'm affected by both of them. And I hate the truth that I FEEL. I hate it even more since pitifully, I know that I've always been the only side who's been struggling in this alone. I don't want to feel. Feeling weakens human. Ironically, turning feelings off changes me to someone I never wanted to be. But at least it teaches me to be tough. Like it's always been.
I'm going back to harden a little more in that pathway. The pathway where most words are just words, most scenes are just scenes, dramas are just dramas.
NO FEELING. No bonding.
Until it's right.

It's about an hour to December and I'm about to drop these behind.
The month's ending in rain and I hope while it falls dawn, it washes away every stains left on my life. It's been exhausting, the last days of November. It started out wonderful, even more wonderful in the middle. When suddenly wonderful turns out to be tiring in the end. Don't know how it happened but maybe it's as they say, "Don't get caught up in the beauty".

I can say that I would carry something through the next days of December. But probably the best thing is that it is left behind. That something came and I was curious and mesmerized to know that there is such coincidence happening so many times already that it makes everything look real and magical. Me and the thing. I said I carried on, but it made me stop for awhile to rest and drink my thirst away. Drinking it was sweet. At times it was bitter. There are clearer waters ahead and I knew I deserve a lot better. But somehow I'm captivated in this place that I used to know. It got me weakened all over again when I knew I was tough. I was ready to fall off a cliff believing that I was gonna be alright.
I am an open book. Thought I would relive an undone writing in the previous book on this new page. An undone writing that I used to wish for it to be done, or at least to be written longer. But seems like there's no such story to continue it. I was trying to make a crumbled paper perfect. I was trying to plant on a dry soil. I tried to foresee something good but there is actually nothing left in this place. It's starting to have me believing that this isn't gonna work. Maybe I should stop wondering and waiting for something that will only come in a quarter to never. Maybe I should just write a new beginning with something else.

I drank. I was thirsty to my best. I believed in a story I tried to make up.
Thirst, urges, blood, miss, hope, lone, touch, rage, crush, love.
The thoughts that are getting me to the lunatic realm.
Let the rain wash away everything.
I'm leaving these things right here.
Let's carry on.

I defeated time.
I sipped some blood after a long long time.
In a different way, not in a villain way. It felt like I missed the taste of blood, I was desperate for it. I resisted not to drink the vein empty. I don't want to ruin everything normal that's been kept. I was dehydrated to best, and the blood was nice and fulfilling, at least for a while. After a really long time, I finally felt alive.
Just then, it suddenly got me thinking a lot.
I know it's the pseudo "alive". There were so much questions popping out to my head last night. Got me exhausted and distressed.
Drinking the blood, even in control just felt like it makes me thirst even more. It's like drinking salt water, you keep thirsting and thirsting for more until it finally kills you along with the salt. Who said I didn't know? From the beginning I knew blood is poisonous. It's just that now I'm freer to be a vampire, and I feel like I'm a villain now. I'm not that good guy again. And yet what if I started to feel something for the prey I just drink from? No. It can't happen. But the prey let me sip blood in about normal dose, and I realize that I'm starting to feel that it's ideal for me.
While on the other side, another prey who I used to drink from, came unexpectedly and I just didn't know how to respond. I said that it's better if we keep it the way it is. I'm still confused about myself. I don't wanna go too left or too right. I wan't and I don't wanna be a vampire in the same time.

You know what, I wish everything about this, blood, preys, would just fade away. I have a lot more important things to think about. And I know I have to start looking for the right animal blood to drink from. Why should I be a vampire in the first time? And how did it get inside my idealism? I feel so messed up. I wish I could just escape far away and start new. Forget everything and everyone, begin again.

*I am NOT an actual vampire or anything, and I'm not a freaky vampire-wannabe. "Vampire", "blood", and everything are just the substitutions I use for the matter since a long time. Vampire isn't always about Breaking Dawn.

These days I've been having some epic dreams.
One of the dreams is about the 'vampirism'. And the feeling was so strong for half of the day. So the story is about a sudden vampire show-up as a stranger, but suddenly ends up in my house dining with me and my sister. My sister didn't like that vampire and shoo the vampire away. And the vampire, in some sweet way, asked me to be its prey. And day by day passed inside that dream, I kept thinking about answering the vampire's offer. You know, actually these days I've been feeling so lonely and I feel like I want someone. Not just someone, but 'someone'. And answering that vampire's offer could give me what I want. But no, all along the dream I tried to resist my feeling and didn't answer to the offer 'cause I know it's a wrong way to satisfy this feeling. So in the end, I didn't answer 'till I woke up. But along the day I felt a little blue, a little part of me felt disappointed that I didn't answer, that it's just a dream and why won't I let myself fulfill the urges even if it's just in my dream.

Not just some dreams, I've been thinking of how people sees me. I might think that I'm nice enough as a person, kind enough, right enough. But what if what I think all along is wrong? Arrogance. That's one thing I'm always afraid of, 'cause I'm very capable of arrogance. Sometimes I wonder if, and I said 'if', my closest friends honestly have something to say concerning my personality. I wonder what they say to each other when I'm not around, like we usually talk about other friends. Right? We usually discuss some good or bad things about another close friends, but seldom realize that they can do the same too. I wonder if they would tell me in some way, 'cause I need to see my ugly side and change it to be a better guy. I don't know why I'm having this thought, but I wanna know how every of my closest people sees me.

Today I went to my ex's favorite place. I actually didn't wanna go there 'cause I don't wanna hit the chance of ex-encountering but I went there anyway. And gladly we didn't met. Actually days ago when I looked at one of my friend's following on Twitter, I accidentally found that my friend is following my ex. I was startled. Yeah, every single time I see the name or the picture, I'm still startled. Why is it so hard to overcome this startle thing in spite of the fact that I'm over the relationship? Then when I'm picking up my sister, I strolled around the campus. I didn't wanna stroll too much 'cause there's a chance we could meet. When I was strolling, I gazed around the place and realized that it's almost a year to that event, Petra Parade where we reconciled and I gained my temporary happiness back. It's so fast. And now we don't even know each other. I'm glad that I didn't choose to go to this university. Really glad. But another little part of me, again, misses this university 'cause it was my desired university and it holds so much happy memories with a lot of people. It feels like home to be there even though I never really go there much. And now I'm going to a stranger's university, I haven't feel the feeling of home in this university. But I won't let this feeling back me down, 'cause I wanna believe that I'm going to have a great time in this alien university. haha.

It's March, eh? Already? One and a half month and high school will come to an end. *exhales* *tries to smile* hahaha. I know I shouldn't think much about it. Just enjoy and embrace these wonderful moments, right? :) This stage of life was wonderful all along and it should be wonderful 'till the last drop. UNAS is waiting and I'm not ready at all in this state. Hurrahh! Fight. I have to pass this damn thing.

And still right now, I feel so lonely. Like 2NE1's song "Lonely" that I've been playing a lot. (I'm starting to fan KPOP -_- embarrassing. I even downloaded some videos.)

Oh God! I have so much to spill here. I've been thinking and dreaming a lot. You know, sometimes the thoughts are just in and out randomly. I hardly have my mind clear and feels like my head's suffocating with all the thoughts, all the damn tests, and my little business.
I want a week off. A week off in a stranded island with great beach, a huge beautiful lake, a field of fresh green grasses, and even a desert will do! Anything but in a city with to-do-lists everyday.
I can be very hyper and jumpy sometimes so I'll swallow these kinds of place.

And just in a glimpse, they’re all gone. Every single thing. Burnt and even no ashes left.


Sometimes it’s really weird. When someone who used to be the closest person, turn into a total stranger. 
Remembering the togetherness you used to have, all supports, all pictures, all memories, all gone.
Where does that relationship go?

It’s another weird thing about life. When it gives you someone and don’t know how, it took them from you by any possible ways. Looking back there, looking what’s here; two different dimensions, like parallel worlds. It’s like you never lived there, but you had memories of being there with that person, spending a lot of beautiful times.

How could Beauty and The Beast never met each other? That’s one story that they never expected, and it’s not real for them. But somehow it happens.

Only in fairytale a couple would perfectly have happy endings. But is it really the ending? What are the stories after that? You wouldn’t know. They wouldn’t know too. Life is just some unexpected tragedy and euphoria.
What happens after the physical things are gone? Pictures, numbers, voices, letters, who they were. Nothing. They’re just gone.

Sometimes you have a time to look at the database inside your head. What’s left and what feels nice to know. Yes, memories. And it doesn’t fit at all with the present. It lived, yes, but there. All the way backwards. So if that part died, why do you have to carry it in the present? What’s the point of having that database all along? You just want to remove that part and live life with updated databases. But you still can’t. Memories will be memories.

You don’t know whether you hate it or whether you want it back. It’s a sweet nightmare but you enjoy sipping smiles out of it. How funny it was..how cute, how comfortable, how safe you felt. In spite of the fact that you have the knowledge that it’s not how it used to be and changed into a horrible mess.
So why did you have to know each other? Why did you even have to meet if you had to shut each other down? Two people, made pact in this world. Gave attention to each other, and then by time bumped and blown away into two different planets. Where no one could hear each other, but don’t really care about each other’s life in just a split second.

Maybe they didn't really supposed to meet. Maybe they did. Sometimes this tragedy happens to build them strong. But being strong by this thing, makes a kid at trusting. They don’t ever wanna bump, they don’t ever wanna bump and have to be separated with someone. Ever again.

Knowing someone, getting close with them, having their smiling face that enlightens your day, wanting to keep that smile forever, suddenly a storm came and ended all, walk separate ways, seeing that smile for anything but us, never know anything again. Maybe this is the saddest cycle.

Life is one long walk. Someday, one will walk with you and never be the same as that other one in the past. Until that day, you can only slice all those memories away, little by little. It doesn’t hurt. Only if you let it in, it would hurt. Don’t ever gaze at it, it died. Nothing will make you cry other than seeing died memories. Keep walking, keep going on, and on. Just don’t ever look at what that imaginary world left behind..

I'm overheating.

That's what I can describe from this condition. Tryouts, okay. Then some problems with business, dealing with super irresponsible supplier.. And about heart, about to-do-lists, about bad habits, about temper, about emotions and feelings control. Argh, I need a day off!

I haven't been myself all along the week. I get mad easily, I did old habit, and my mind's kinda screwed here. I didn't spend my time to connect with Him above. I think that's one of the reason of this whole mind buzz.. I can't get my mind to focus and think clearly, unstable, and I can't get my body to do whatever I want.

I know what this thing is like, compulsion. (Getting TVD ish again. haha) It's when you know you don't have to do something, but your body still does it. Your mind is conscious, but your body isn't. Aware of something bad you're bringing, but can't hold to not do it. Controlled all by emotions and feelings.. It's bad. Super bad.

And what I feel about this crush bugging me the previous days? I don't have any feelings like that right now. I don't know why, but it just disappeared. A good news, it is. But it makes me think that I might that kind of person who easily have affections on someone, and then lose it in a blink of an eye, and I know it's a bad person to be. In the end, a crush is just another simple crush. Maybe I don't need to put it as "crush", maybe I just want these people to be people close. Maybe I just feel comfortable with them.

The thing I found out today from a not intended stalking: my ex's new lover. I just browsed around, and never thought of stalking this relationship. Then suddenly my eye caught something. And then I took a peek, the signs shown in the conversations are giving some sparks. 90% right, this person is the one who snatched my ex. And my ex seemed to be in a rel or in an open rel with him now. Wow. Such an express lover, huh? And I know that the new lover is following me on Twitter, so here's what I gotta say, mate: That person you're dating is a wolf in disguise. Yes might act all care, all good, all sweet, but just wait and you'll eventually realize that all the game is in the back.. Just a warning. Never meant to curse your rel, though. I could only say this through my 2,5 years love story with the wolf. Maybe that wolf's changed. People change, right? :)

Crazy, I never wanna find out about my ex anymore.

What I need right now is some real sleep and maybe one refreshment day is super enough..
I really, really need some time to drop everything right now and go into somewhere fresh.

These days to go to sleep early is not really on the things-i-want-to-do list. Since the mid-semester test started I always sleep late and never any early. Last week was the craziest one 'cause everyday I went home late night. After school-PD Team meeting-science lesson-practice/workshop-home. Always like that and my body was screwed up. haha But it's a great week also because of the G12ACE event on Saturday-Sunday. It's the first time GPS is out to public, last Saturday. We hope to meet more opportunities soon! But maybe not for me? Taking a break in the senior year. What I said in the previous year. So be it.

This week was a week where I focused on school. School and the friends. High school is ending soon and I feel like I'm not ready. Everything just feels too fast. I feel like I haven't done this and that, so much things I couldn't catch up. Sometimes I was too busy dancing, or loving, or anything and forgetting to enjoy my high school life. And now a little regret.

So as you can see, this blog's background has turned black, even blackier. Black is more me. Yeah. A little no lead intermezzo. Anyway watch my YouTube channel to see videos of O4 Crew (my school dance crew since 2010) and enjoy! --> Click.

You know, yesterday I watched Final Destination 5 and it brought up something to me. Yeah, the movie gave me chills, a bad chill about death. How will my death be? Well everyone dies someday. You, me, every single human. Will it be hurt or scary or what? I don't actually have to be concerned about that. But thinking about death gave me a hit about life. I only live ONCE. And I realize that there's too much stupid and useless things that I've done. I mean, sometimes I know they're useless but there's not a strong force inside me to cut the rope and move the other way. And if I live like a badass and die, and go to hell and suffer more killing and more massacre for me, no, I don't want my life to end like that. So I had this little passion of starting to struggle to give my best, be a great person to bless people, closer to God, and live everyday like it's the end of the world.. This kind of passion is fragile and it easily subsides. But yeah..talkin' 'bout one chance of living..mehn. We should really try to make it the best one, or nothing at all.

How is love going for me? It's going well. Means: I'm starting to be more able and able to forget that person. I think I had enough and spent my whole high school thinking and daydreaming about that person. Yeah, we had stories but when I see it through it's a weird and too fairytale-ish story which is not really good 'cause I get this thought sometimes that we were only playing and trying to structure our own feeling and everything and that we can't do at all with each others' busy activities and arghh you know that I can't have you with me with an attitude of you that drives me crazy although it isn't right now 'cause my feeling for you isn't really happening anymore and things started to get normal which is nice and so that means the end of the line for us!!!! *INHALES*
Not funny.

Finally I made a 100%(uhh..90?) choice that I'm taking Communication Faculty next year for my university life. It's gonna be Petra Christian University. Unless there's a kind and daring and "supporting" university which provide a better Communication Faculty in other place. I will reconsider and discuss with my family. What makes me a traitor here is that I'm entering Petra but I'm promoting UC to everyone! Yeah, I actually like UC better because of their entrepreneur program, which will lead many young entrepreneur to build Indonesia more to a developed country. And that they build great soul of business for their students. But bad thing is they don't provide a Communication Faculty for me! :( I could take Psychology Faculty but I can learn from books sold everywhere. What's more is that they don't even pay me AT ALL for promoting and convincing my friends to enter! :(:(:( Talking about slavery.

Okay that's all I wanna throw up. Thanks. Adios.
Don't forget to clean up.