Reinhard Gouw's Journal

Howdy! How's your new year going? I hope it's been a good start!
So I spent my 00:00 playing fireworks and photographs in my Batu house. And this is a snap of it:

Captured with slow shutter by tedjomichael (IG)

Don't you feel that new year holiday is always the time when your out-of-town friends are back in town and therefore means let's-hangout(s)? Mine are back; the Malaysian, the made-in-the-US, the Jakartan, and another Jakartan. And they are up for paybacks for missing the now-hot places in Surabaya. It clearly cancels my "save money" mission again and again, but quality time always worth spending!

With Malaysian girl, Nella.

With the made-in-the-US, Virgin.

The Jakartan girl 2nd from right, Devina.

Suddenly I'm missing college. Those schedule arrangements, writing notes, walking in the middle of another sok-study youths, even picking up boring clothes to wear that day. Wow! I miss it a lot. A too-long holiday isn't always nice. There's a part of me that loves being busy. That's normal, right? I admit that I was too sucked up in love and hangout things in the previous semester that my GPA lowered. Well I'm clearly paying myself back this semester.

I found 2 phenomenons in Instagram that is quite interesting. Here they are:

1) I follow you follow back if you don't then I unfollow
Some IGers are following people to get followed back, and if they don't they'll cancel the follow. C'mon, it's 2014 already. Following people means you're interested in their posts. So if you think someone's post is not really interesting (yes, I softened the words) for you, well you don't have to follow. People have their own interests, so not following shouldn't be a social crime, should it? Not following someone doesn't always mean you don't like them. To be honest, I'm not the follow-for-follow kind of guy, even to my best friends. And I still love my friends in daily life. Friendship isn't defined by social media mutuals, right? (Now I bet I get unfollowers in secs..)

2) Girl go you pretty you prettier
When a girl take a selfie and post it, some other girls will comment like "pretty siss <3" or "uayuu ceee" and the poster will reply like "you prettier :*:*" or "kamu ya ayuuu ;))". I find this in almost every of my girl friends' Instagram. I never find "thank you emang aku pretty :)" atau "iyaa not like you ;)". We guys are like, harus tah? What if you think the other girl is not as pretty? Well what if I post a selfie and someone says "handsome bro" and I reply "you more handsome :)"? Don't even think about it. It's kinda gross.

What do you think?

I hope you have a great year ahead!
Good luck!

It's near the end of the year and I'm getting reflections of this year.

I read my posts throughout this year and learned something that I've been realizing these days: "Beware of what you wish for".

My 2013 resolution was to be a rebel. I even named my first post "The Year of Rebel". That''s the start of the new me. Throughout the year, I can find myself realizing that I was changing, little by little.
On March, I started fearing being unable to draw a line between bold and cocky. I also started to post bad things.
On April, I started knowing Alton Tam. An alter ego that I created to separate my bad self of going too far in the rebel thing. I realized that there are negative sides of being who I wanted to be.
On June, I realized that it's getting worse and I started constructing myself too bold and too tough. I also realized that my resolutions came true. I'm bold and a rebel. I also woke up as Steven and realized that being Alton was horrible.
And just on November, I found out that having alter ego wasn't only my made up delusion. A psychotest revealed that I actually have an alter ego.

Another than being too much of a rebel, having alter egos, and lowered my grade for this semester, I also changed myself into something else. A vampire.

Yes, not that literal vampire. That "vampire" I always talked about. I am now being someone I've always and never wanted to be. I can see myself walking right on the path I've always tried to avoid these past 3 years. It feels awesome. It feels horrible. I failed many people, the "vampire" friends I tried to motivate not to be one, my close people, myself.

A few days ago just before Christmas, I read my old writings on Christmas. I was that one who's always excited about resolutions and good changes for Christmas. Good wishes not only for myself but also for a lot of people. And I couldn't find any single word to say for this year. I'm not that guy anymore.

Have you ever had a moment in your life when you look back and realized that you lost some part of yourself on the way, and decided to get it back, just to turn the wheel around?

And just as Christmas passes. I realized that I miss myself. I miss the old me. The 2012, or even the 2011 one. I can't find that guy who always wanted to inspire others. I can't find that guy who has good quotes. I can't find that guy who loves peace. I can't find that guy who cares about his college just a little too much. I can't find that wise guy. I can't find that super friendly guy. I can't find that inspiring guy. I can't find that fresh and patient guy who never gets too reactive when someone said something out of different values. I can't find him anymore. And I want him back.

Wanting the old me back can be a major part of 2014 resolution. But it doesn't mean that it's the worst year of my life. There are a lot of things I can be grateful for other than those personality issues. Now let's change the angle and see from the positive sides.

Wanting to stop being a rebel at the end of the year, I start to learn that some things are better left unsaid, because people just don't really give a shit. Some people just don't care about our values and our feelings. That's called close-minded people. Explaining and arguing with them can be a huge waste of time so save some energy for yourself. Learn to be the one who shuts up and try to understand them just for awhile. You'll know when the right time comes and gives you space to speak up. Or maybe even change your mind.

As we grow older, old bruises between friends and families can really heal. That's because time let's us know that they were just a ridiculousness of the past, and everyone learns from life. We just need to believe that time can change someone, them, and yourself to be better; therefore you can make amends.

Do you know that I hate love? I hate love, or even being in love. I still do. It will hurt, it will make you worry about losing, it will make you feel the happiest feeling but also able to make you experience the worst, it makes it hard to see someone objectively, it makes it hard to sleep when some matters come up, and it will make you wanna change yourself for someone.
Bad news is, I still love anyway.

I get all the best and worst things from loving someone.
It taught me to  hold your emotions and feelings for someone else's happiness. Even when you're not happy, be happy for them. I also learned that it's painful for me because I was always that "perfect" guy. I was always too egoist and bold.
I also start to learn to appreciate time with the people you love, because it's not coming back.
I learned dealing with my mistrust.

I thought I was going to have to face this and change myself just for that someone.  But then I start getting used to it, and tried to apply to my family. It works and it starts changing my attitude towards them to be better. I started learning to love them more. And I started learning that no matter how much I try to escape from them, I need them. I even get the opportunity to reconcile and make amends with people who hurted me. Thank you.

I learned sacrificing. I learned to be neat in money. I learned that I need to learn to manage time better.
I learned some valuable things despite some bad feelings that I should feel, like having to let go of my strong toughness and stubbornness, having to feel awkward for things I've never done before, and other things.
Maybe some say it's not much of a "love" for us but I'm glad that even in the most ruined ruins, we still find some valuable diamonds.





And from these things and every other things that I learned and faced in 2013. I want these resolutions of 2014 to happen. Simpler ones.


1. Be a major life learner again
2. Achieve mindfulness and self-control
3. Better relationship with close people
also some little things: save money better, better college life, and exercise routinely.

Alongside that, reducing my toughness layer by layer. Bold but not cocky, yet not a YESman.
 
Balance everything in my life.

I believe that these resolutions can happen like it did for me this year.
Beware of the power of statement.

WHAT'S YOURS?
Turn your life around now.

First holiday post.

I spent most of my holiday in Surabaya since I traveled too much already in these past 2 years. This month I go to my house Batu back and forth. With my friends and also family, and spending my Christmas there. And still lost of where I should be spending my new years eve at. Well that's holiday plan this month.
Next month I'll be going to Lombok for 4D3N with my parents. It's gonna be my first time there so I guess I should try to enjoy.

Lame chitchats about my holiday, but here are more coming. I spend most of the time drive my sister and my mom around. Well considering I've always been a superbusy guy 2000whatever when campus is on, this is what I should be doing! haha. Other than that, I just hang around town with some of the guys left here. I tried reading a book from Mitch Albom but I think I'm not in the mood to read productively.

I also hone myself up during the holiday.
Saving money. Maintaining a better relationship with family. Grooming myself to look younger. Exercising.

Enough for the holiday news.

I got my study result card this semester and the score decreased quite much. 1st semester I got 3.92. 2nd semester it's down to 3.86. Now it's lower. 3.52.
It's not really satisfying for me since it takes off the label "highest score" from me. I'm not the guy with the highest score in my class anymore. Well I made peace with that saying that it's not what I should be chasing. But a disappointment's disappointing.
The semester's kinda rough for me: the subjects came in a higher level (freaking biopsychology, citizenship class being taught by an old-fashioned lecturer I didn't expect, blah blah), and I am still trying to balance between my newly added aspect of life and the other existing aspects.
Well it happened. This semester was quite challenging. No used crying over spilled milk. I am clearly not taking full SKS next semester. I will miss one class. I need more space of time.

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"Have you ever loved someone so much that you started hating them 'cause they make you wanna change yourself for them, but you actually did because in the end, you still love them?"

I thought I was so flawless.
The bad news is, I decided to try to change my "perfect" self.
And I believe that these changes are gonna make me not only a better guy for you, but also a better human in life. Thank you for making me learn.

I learn to control my ego, my emotion, and be happy for your (others') happiness. I learn to get a hold of myself, to not be so egoist. I learn to cope with my mistrust and trust you (others) more. I learn that I'm not always right, and that I'm not the guy with the perfect mind, and it hurts like hell.
I learn that as time goes, we find our difference and incompatibilities even more, and it sometimes makes me feel like losing the old us, but then I find that we can figure out how to deal with that, and that it leads to a stronger bond.
I learn that I start needing you instead of just wanting you.
I learn that I can't imagine how it would be when that time comes.

Been reading Elisabeth Santoso's blog, and I found one post that somehow depicts me and this blog world of mine.

I used to write a lot of posts, and now it's not that much. It used to be inspiration posts, now it's lamer when I read it. You know that "to live is to inspire" used to be a tagline of this blog. I had this big dream of inspiring people with me and my way of thinking. I also want to make pieces of my life that I share here motivate readers to be better. It's not me losing that dream. It's me losing the courage to.

As I realize, this year I started turning into someone else. I turned to be the "rebel" and "bold" guy that I created as my 2013 resolution. I succeeded, but it gets too far. I got this Alton Tam alter ego. Well, at first I thought it's just me and my drama. But then I was informed that my psycho test result revealed that I actually have an alter ego. It's not in the worst state when I don't recognize the other me, I don't lose time unaware of being someone else I don't know. No. I am me all the time, it's just sometimes that Alton steps in and changed my ways of thinking. When I'm Alton, i clearly have different mind and do things differently. Then when I get back to myself, I would think "Did I really do that? Why did it happened? I shouldn't have done that".

Having this new mind and personality does bring good things to me. I stopped being a YESMAN. I learned more of how to speak up. But it brings bad things as well. I become rude. I curse sometimes. In the end, I feel that I'm worse than the person that I was before. This feeling made the presumably guilty feeling if I continue trying to inspire. How can I inspire if I'm bad? Wouldn't that be so hypocrite of me?

Just then, I feel like I need to stand up from this blocking ground. All these time writing a blog doesn't mean that I'm already a person with the best mindset in the world. I'm not the best guy 2000 and whatever. I'm only sharing my way of thinking. And it doesn't need being good or bad. People have their own values, and it's OK for everyone to share theirs. I may be not the best or worst guy in the world, but these posts that I'm writing are pieces of my life. Some maybe will help you be better, and some maybe not. In the end you're the one to evaluate whether something is good for you to take and something is not. Maybe my whole blog world is good or bad for your life, maybe only some is good and some are bad. You decide. I only share my tale.

The whole point of life for me is trying to be a better person. Make life useful in ways possible and help others when able. It's not about being the best, it's about giving the best of you. So let's just share together and support each other. Would you? Everyone around you watches your life. Speak up, be heard. Everyone can inspire in their own ways.