When I was younger, I asked my father
"Why are we so human?"
Now that I'm older
I think I figured it out
We're just doing what we can


This year has been the year of me trying to define myself. Bipolar, bold, rebel, everything. I start to realize that this thing that I've been doing changes me more into the definition I make. The more I declare it, the more I be. Because most of the time I wanna act and not just talk, talking about integrity. I don't fancy bluffing too much. In the end, your words can really change you. Mine did.

Sometimes my definition is just my idealism and it's not really who I am. Well, idealism is your wish and it feels glad to become the person you want to be. It's nice to do personal-construct.
As I reflect, I like to say that I'm constructing myself to be the toughest and boldest person that I can be. I see that day by day I turn bolder and bolder. I advance with a lot less thought about what other people say and think. I do things on my term more. I lead more. I organize more. I am more assertive. Well nicely working, the self that I was in high school is getting thinner. I changed.

But with it, I carry some bad news for me and for some people who have been around for a long time. I'm meaner, I'm rude, I'm reckless, I'm careless, I flare up a lot more. Less humanity. I think that this is the price that I have to pay to learn and be this guy. I've been hurting a lot of people who's known me long before this change. Bad thing is, I don't really care like I used to. "Take me or leave me" is taking toll of me. They judge me a lot and I often think that they underestimate, that they don't understand that I'm bad because I'm better.

I guess this is just a process for me. It's just another youth thing. I'm still learning. Maybe someday I'll be able to cope the bad news and just bring the bold thing cleaner. It doesn't feel too good to hurt people, and it's worse to know that your family is included. I think that's why I created Alton in the first place. To separate between me and this bad news.

The big question is, if in the future I get my idealism changed, will I regret becoming this person? Will I try to change again to another one? Then if it works that way, how about the guy who I really am? How do you understand the gap between idealism and nature?

Who knows if everything that I just write is another idealism of mine.
Someday we'll laugh at all these things we say about ourselves.