Reinhard Gouw's Journal

I guess humans have their own reasons for their behavior. And now I think I'm starting to learn mine.
How I always try to pursue achievements, fame, and everyone's attention. I try to make people see me just to make sure I won't be left out like I was 7 years ago when people made fun of me, forgot me, and made me feel like I'm nothing but alone my personal fable. I remember how I thought I was that cool and special kid but then it turned out otherwise. How I always did horrible at sports that it scared me every time I have to do it because I didn't want them to laugh. How I thought I couldn't do anything good and didn't have anything to impress. Those were the things that make me who I am today. An achievement-pursuer.

These achievements that I pursue, whether it's organizational, dance, networks, anything; I assume that unconsciously  I do these things to make people actually realize that I'm there. That I'm not nothing. That they can't make fun of me again. Everyone has to recognize that I'm there and I'm something. Consider this a revenge. And I don't know why, it never feels enough.

Let me tell you a bit about me. Things have changed. I have a lot of people that I can call friend, close friend, or good friend. I don't have to be afraid that I will be made fun of again, 'cause I have them to back me up and support me. I don't have to be afraid that they forgot me, 'cause there will always be another who would accept me, if I'm not wrong. I don't have to be afraid that they call me pussy as I am horrible in sports, 'cause I can dance well and that's more than enough as a talent, and I know that humans are given different capabilities. I don't have to be afraid that I will feel nothing as I know I have things to be proud of. But then again, I feel that I'm missing something I don't know, something I need to complete this.

 I doubt so much it's a relationship, as I'm on the run for achievements. Even if it is, I'm not ready. I don't want to. I know I will hurt. Because of the pursuit, and because of the vampirism. I'm not sure that I'm fully cured, and I don't want to move to the right one doubting like this. I don't want to hurt. Isn't it better not stepping at all, just for now?

This pursuit, sometimes it tires me so much. Sometimes, I even feel like I'm taking things that I'm actually not capable of. And people are OK with that, not realizing that I'm actually good in talks and not in acts. I get tired of myself. But then again, I'm still running.

As you realize, this blog has turned to journal more than inspiration. I don't feel like I should be inspiring someone inside this contemplation I am in. I really need some clarity on myself..

I've been through a whole crazy month and it's been a big burden all the time. Moving house, car crash, stolen phone, and many more that I don't need to mention. I'm not seeking pity or anything, I just want to spill. Honestly, I've been trying hard to cope. I never faced something like this before, but I think I've been handling well enough. At least I still can get a hold of myself and maintain my sanity.

Today I learned that happiness can be consumed by adaptation. And that the adaptation will eventually lead to deprivation. It means that human will feel less and less happier for one thing by time. I think this explains the way I get bored of birthdays, the way I feel bored with even my most favorite things, and mostly the way that I feel that every happiness lasts for awhile and that they will pass.

There's still a lot of things worrying me, but I think I can handle it. Like I always does.
Well, sometimes being a tough person is tiring. In fact, I don't even know if I really am tough or it's just me and what I want to show people. I don't care for now. Having a complex self is really exhausting. You have to figure out which one is you and which one is not. In my case, you also have to when you are used to pleasing everyone. Sometimes, I'm afraid I would lose my sanity. Losing myself to the things I'm not.

I know this is kinda lame, but at times I find myself questioning who I really am. They see me as that loud and hyper guy, while I still find myself in those sudden-contemplation times. I am A, B, C, D, and anything I need to be in certain places. I realize that I change myself a lot to fit in, as a result to my past. I also realize that I pursue achievements in order to impress. Impress people and impress myself, so that I won't feel that I can't do anything. So that I won't lose my self-esteem like I did several years ago as a wallflower. It is tiring.
But I can't seem to find out anything to do about it so I guess I should reconsider that being constantly changing alphabets isn't too bad, at least for now?