Reinhard Gouw's Journal

I'm a human.
I'm not a machine.

I started to realize how tiring life is when you have so many aspects of life to maintain.

I've been restless.
In week 3 of my recovery post-surgery, I've been forcing myself to dance. Other than that, student council matters. No more urgent tasks in those aspects, but now I'm occupied with piling final exam works.
When will I be able to rest my body?
I'm not feeling well at all. Other than the queasy feeling in my stomach that comes and goes, the raw throat that seems to having a hard time to leave, weird ear blocks, headaches, and all the unknown indications that started to make me feel guilty for not resting back then.

Other than that, I start to have psychological issues. Like the regret that comes and goes about a project,  the fact that I still have cousin-issues, attitude problem, and all mess that happened these days. I randomly think about this life and how I feel like I'm walking in a drama that I'm leaving 2 years from now as a free human that should be able to survive on my own, and how it becomes burden since I started thinking how would I face that if I have no preparations like the current condition and if I'm gonna prepare, how?

I'm tired of being perfect. I'm tired of having a strong pride that doesn't want myself to look even just a little imperfect in front of everyone. I'm tired of not being able to put it down a little and just chill. I'm tired to have to prepare this stupid english exam well in spite of the fact that I don't want to be chosen for the incoming competition, but I also don't want my score to be bad. I'm tired of NOT BEING ABLE TO JUST BREAK DOWN AND LET MYSELF DO IT BAD. I'm tired of being perfect, I really do.

I'm tired of thinking. I'm tired of sleeping late at night. I'm tired of realizing that I am an individual, a single human that has to survive on his own in times like this.

I'm tired.

It's the first day in the past 2 weeks that I got to lay down for a while leaving everything aside. There were lots of things I've been busy about. Student council, dance jobs, etc. I've been missing so much from college assignments. Trying to keep up was just too tiring for me. I didn't quite remember everything I should. I can't hold too much. I remember a mentor once said to me that I'm not the multitasking type. Maybe I'm not. haha. But somehow it's still fun to feel busy, despite all the exhaustments.

That's a short update on my daily life.
Do you remember that last year I've been trying to build up my rebel side? Yes, that bold or we should say, cocky guy. I managed to pull that off this year. Slowly. I thought it's gonna be all fine. Turns out that last year's trial left stains here and there this year. I'm still having problem with anger-management,  I'm still too arrogant to be gentle, I got rejected in a project I've always been passionate for,. Well, now I have to mend things, little by little.

To be honest, I wasn't too happy with the consequences. I started blaming and defending myself in ways that would never get me to figure that I can't go back in time to change my choices.

But last year's resolution was not a curse. In this life, there are no things that are purely bad or purely good.
I maybe failed in being considerate and in control. But there are some insights that I can be proud of. Some friends helped me see from different perspective, and told me that people considerate me a bold and true person. I don't fake out, I say things as they are. At least I have something to always hold on to. I was extreme last year about it, but the core of being that kind of person is good.  I am not fake.



The idea of being bold is good when you know the line. People will hate you and respect you at the same time since you can confidently be inside your own shirt, your own shoes, your own eyes, your own mind. They know your ideas. Maybe they will fear you too because you're different. Being bold will make you stand out. Especially in eastern countries like this where human being try to maintain themselves the way others want to see. Sometimes it will hurt people too because you don't try to make them feel the way they want. But there will be times when they come to you looking for the truth when others are just faking.

I've never been too proud with my control-problem that comes with my boldness. I will always try to fix it. But I've never been too shameful with my boldness either. Let people know the color. This is my quality, and I believe in it. Take it or leave it. Yes, it has downsides. But if you decide to leave it, then you don't worth the quality. And that only means someone else does. Life is all about perspectives anyway.

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I decided not to continue the journal about tonsillectomy. There would be too much to share. haha. Actually to sum up, the first week was painful and exhausting, but once you get to the second, it will get easier. The third would be easy as pie and next is nothing. You'll heal faster than you think. So I can now eat things I want to. Even though I'm still having raw/sore throat. I hope it recovers soon.