Reinhard Gouw's Journal

2 weeks ago I attended an open class after forever. It's been a long time since I went to practice outside home and it feels different. There are some changes in the dance communities, and it's kinda bizarre to know. The class I attended was Kak Semmy Blank's class. And it was a great class with great piece from him eating all the small beats. Wow. It felt really nice to dance in class again. :)

One info that stroke the news is the new members of Last Minute Street Crew, Koko (ex-Takupaz), Jono (ex-Takupaz), Firly (GPS, my crew), Lupita (ex-SCP), and Jenna (G-Force, the kids crew). It's a nice news to know that these people are joining the community! They're great and I bet they're gonna improve a lot in LMSC. I guess I have to keep practicing so that I don't get left behind by everyone in the dance world, too!

Last Saturday I went to GPS practice too and we practiced stances and attitude, then and after that freestyling. The allstyle battle is coming up on March so we got a little warm-up from Kak Adid. I thought I got so much vocab already from watching a lot of videos since my vacuum, but the old problem is still there: I can't control my body to stay calm when battling! It's not a good news to hear, Kak Adid told me that I battled for enough times already, and it's not proper to still feel anxious. I wonder how my battle will be on March. I guess I have to come to practice a lot, and handle this freakin' anxiety! Aren't there any drugs to handle anxiety? haha. I always feel good freestyling alone, but it's always nervous time freestyling in front of people.

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For school life. I feel like all my friend's started to warm up for the final national exam. They have started studying from Detik-Detik, and they're starting to be able to do the exercises from the teachers. Me? I haven't started studying at all. I told myself I'd study starting on Feb 16. But it didn't happen. Last night I tried to study and I fell asleep. Next week there's going to be another tryouts and the biology teacher stated minimal score 70 for his subject. Arghh! How can I survive. -_- I have to start soon, really.

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My cheek's getting chubbier and chubbier I think. And it's a BAD NEWS. I need to exercise this stubborn belly fat and so my cheek fat will be decreased as well. I have to have a nice body before I go to Bali later on May! Hurrahhh!!! It's embarassing to have this side belly and it's affecting my dance. -_- Imagine a fat guy doing a body wave, and the wave stucks at the belly. How gross is that. haha.

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It's a random post and that's all I wanna spill. See ya!

Question I often ask in my life: "Then what?"
I can have all the happy moments, but along, inside I often question "then what"? After some happy events, then what? Everything is going to be back to normal. It's not a nice thing to ask. When you're having a happy moment, you shouldn't think about the ending. In fact, you shouldn't think of anything else and be inside the moment. It ruins when you're being in the other end of the moment. You won't ever enjoy any fun moments coming to your life. It's one of the learning process, how to live a maximized life.

Actually it's not a right time to post for me 'cause tomorrow I'm having two tests and I haven't studied anything! haha. But don't know why, I'm having the feeling and I wanna do a little heart-to-heart here. Hope it won't waste your online time.

Lately past the weeks, I've been wondering of this high school life. I know it's my senior year and that it's gonna end just shortly. Now back to the "then what" question, me and my friends are gonna separate to different universities and even some are going out of city or out of country. I can't imagine how we will be slowly getting further. Not only my closest friends, but the other friends, the ones I've been with since the first day I entered school. (I'm in a school which is beside my junior high school, my elementary, and my kindergarten, so a lot of friends since kindergarten are still in the same school.) I've been seeing them all my life, all in about my 14 years of living. In almost 80% of my days I see them. And now we're going to separate. It's like losing something you never really pay attention to. Gah, this is dramatic. haha! But it's true, I feel a little sad. Especially when I was with my elementary-junior high school best friend the other day, I remembered how we used to chat in the phone every night, how she always do a heart-to-heart and cried, and that we promised we would be couples when we're grown ups. haha! It's funny and now we're not even close. I miss her. Suddenly I miss our friendship. And not just her, seeing everyone grown up and seeing the change from when we were little to this time. Wow. I've been walking about 14 years with them for real! And I just noticed them and started valuing them in some little random times in my mind. We're really going to separate, and I don't know how world is without seeing them. My world is going to change, university life is coming.

In other side, I just wondered. How is it that the people closest to you don't really understand you?
One fact about me: I have a side of me that I never tell anything from. Most people see me as a loud and a go-have-fun guy. But they never really see this one side of me that I always spilled on a notebook, or in blank posts like this. Even the closest people don't see it. I have closest friends along the days, the ones that's been laughing with me at school everyday, as well as hangout friends. They never expect any other side of me than what they've been seeing most of the time. A fact with a little flashback story. I am actually a silent person, I don't really like to talk much. But now I do because of the experience of being bullied back in the days. One of my closest friend who knows me well said that maybe I'm not supposed to be a loud person, it's just what I do to make people around me stay. I consider it kinda right, 'cause a mentor has told me similar thing, the wanna make people stay thing. But somehow I enjoy being this loud person when it's not too much. So I consider it another part of me. The problem is, even some of my closest friends who's with me everyday, straightaway, don't really know that I'm a thinker and only know me as a loud guy who never really cares about craps of the world. It's a little disappointment for me, the real fact that these people are not really my closest friend, they're only the people I have fun with. Will these people stay around along time?

One thing that I know is that God is The One who knows me the best, 'cause He's The One who created me. And sometimes when I pray I said "God, You're the one who knows me better than anyone elses." and it calms me down. I know that I have to be close to Him to know myself better. I'm grateful for what He made me, and for His watch along my life. I want to be what He want me to be. I'm not perfect, and pitifully a bad sinner but He still blesses upon my life and plans perfect future for me.. Really a kind and amazing God. Thank You, just for loving me.

One last thing, the day before yesterday I just found some photos of my latest birthday and I got to feel so grateful that I have these friends along my life. Maybe closest, maybe not. It's not the thing. The thing is, they cared about me and it's a wonderful thing to know. It's a valuable thing of high school that's gonna stay for the rest of my life. :)










Now I've finished posting a heart-to-heart post girls usually do. Then what?

And just in a glimpse, they’re all gone. Every single thing. Burnt and even no ashes left.


Sometimes it’s really weird. When someone who used to be the closest person, turn into a total stranger. 
Remembering the togetherness you used to have, all supports, all pictures, all memories, all gone.
Where does that relationship go?

It’s another weird thing about life. When it gives you someone and don’t know how, it took them from you by any possible ways. Looking back there, looking what’s here; two different dimensions, like parallel worlds. It’s like you never lived there, but you had memories of being there with that person, spending a lot of beautiful times.

How could Beauty and The Beast never met each other? That’s one story that they never expected, and it’s not real for them. But somehow it happens.

Only in fairytale a couple would perfectly have happy endings. But is it really the ending? What are the stories after that? You wouldn’t know. They wouldn’t know too. Life is just some unexpected tragedy and euphoria.
What happens after the physical things are gone? Pictures, numbers, voices, letters, who they were. Nothing. They’re just gone.

Sometimes you have a time to look at the database inside your head. What’s left and what feels nice to know. Yes, memories. And it doesn’t fit at all with the present. It lived, yes, but there. All the way backwards. So if that part died, why do you have to carry it in the present? What’s the point of having that database all along? You just want to remove that part and live life with updated databases. But you still can’t. Memories will be memories.

You don’t know whether you hate it or whether you want it back. It’s a sweet nightmare but you enjoy sipping smiles out of it. How funny it was..how cute, how comfortable, how safe you felt. In spite of the fact that you have the knowledge that it’s not how it used to be and changed into a horrible mess.
So why did you have to know each other? Why did you even have to meet if you had to shut each other down? Two people, made pact in this world. Gave attention to each other, and then by time bumped and blown away into two different planets. Where no one could hear each other, but don’t really care about each other’s life in just a split second.

Maybe they didn't really supposed to meet. Maybe they did. Sometimes this tragedy happens to build them strong. But being strong by this thing, makes a kid at trusting. They don’t ever wanna bump, they don’t ever wanna bump and have to be separated with someone. Ever again.

Knowing someone, getting close with them, having their smiling face that enlightens your day, wanting to keep that smile forever, suddenly a storm came and ended all, walk separate ways, seeing that smile for anything but us, never know anything again. Maybe this is the saddest cycle.

Life is one long walk. Someday, one will walk with you and never be the same as that other one in the past. Until that day, you can only slice all those memories away, little by little. It doesn’t hurt. Only if you let it in, it would hurt. Don’t ever gaze at it, it died. Nothing will make you cry other than seeing died memories. Keep walking, keep going on, and on. Just don’t ever look at what that imaginary world left behind..