Friday, 5 June 2020 |
These past few days I've been struck by loneliness. I didn't actually anticipate anything before the pandemic started. I thought as long as I have my (ex) partner around, and spend a lot of activities online- everything would be just fine, that things wouldn't affect me as much. But I guess I was wrong, the situation got into me in so many ways. Materially, physically, mentally.
My family is one of those affected by Covid-19 financially. It hit our family real hard. Thank goodness along these past few months up until now, we've been managing and finding solutions. And we're hoping for things to get better. To be honest, I haven't been worrying that much. We always find a way, somehow. On the other side, there's a rushing guilt that my mind kept wandering to other sillier problems. It seems like the situation is leeching on my mental health, so much that I've been having some of the darkest rumination in my life.
The aftermath? Losing my 3 month-old relationship. Thoughts of death. Constant despair and loneliness. It's fair to say that this turns to be the lowest point in my life. On a positive note, I always try to look for someone- a friend, my ex(es), my family to take me away from myself. But none of them could ever seem to fill the void. I still crave attention and companion. And honestly, it kills myself to realise how I'm doing.
Then somehow, I started looking for "talk with stranger" on Google. The search led to a random chatting site. I started talking with one stranger. I asked with the usual convo starter when they suddenly shared their problem. I tried to listen and share some of my thoughts and advices. At the end of the conversation, they said that they felt a lot better talking to me. Somehow, without even saying a thing about myself, I felt the same on my side.
Another thing happened when I went to the park yesterday. I was planning to do some work when an a man with gray hair suddenly sat next to me. "I had a terrible mood today", he said. I instantly put my headphones down and turned to him. I asked if he would mind sharing with me. He then started talking about his son who's having mental health problem and blocking him out. "He always feels like he's never enough. He's very volatile at the moment and I kept telling him it's just because of the situation", he explained. Somehow, it hit me hard. It feels as if he's talking about me. His stories went on and I realised how stressed he was. I kept listening and tried giving advices for him despite our age differences. I realise I've always liked listening to other people's stories, especially from those who've lived longer than me. "It might be good for you to take your own advice too, it's just because of the pandemic. Things are going to get better soon, and when it does your son will look back and understand how much you care for him", I said. He laughed.
Then for the next two hours he talked about other things: multi-culture, corruption, Korean peninsula, World War Two. The longer he talked, the less I understood the things he was talking about. But I stayed and kept listening to him. I knew that he just needed someone to talk to and listen to him, as much as I do. "You can be frank with me, I'm a strange person, huh? Talking to you about everything", he asked. "No you're not. I think you have a very broad knowledge, and I should learn to be like you. I like listening to people's stories I guess", I replied. He smiled. "Do you feel better after sharing them with me?". Then he said, "You remember told you I had a terrible mood today. After talking to you, I feel a lot better. I feel like you're trustful. I'm really glad I met you.". They became the words that I needed, the kindest words I've ever received from a stranger.
We parted and I left with contentment. I realised that I wasn't only looking for attention or companion. I was looking to feel useful as a human being. To feel like my presence matters and could make some else's day better. The healing that I need doesn't come only from talking to people about myself and my problems. It also comes from listening to people and their problems. I think that just resembles the beauty of being humanely human, social creatures that need each other. And the fact that complete strangers can make each other's day brighter just adds to the wonder. If you feel down, talk to someone. Who knows both of you might be just what each other needed.
