Reinhard Gouw's Journal: April 2011

Crazy Little Thing Called Love.

Love 9:15:00 PM

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DOWN by Jason Walker.

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A Short Update In The Middle of The Night.

Love 1:31:00 AM

It's 1 o'clock and I just got home from a tiring day. From morning 'till evening I was outta home. And the last place was Imperial Ballroom where I did the stage practice for Satu Hati event this Saturday. It was very tiring since before I went there, there was a 3 hours reguler class at GHP. Wow, I could crack myself open. haha.. But the most tiring and weary place was at UKP. I didn't dance, I didn't do anything. Just the sight of you that really killed me. I thought I was strong enough to face it, but I'm not. I thought I was bold, but it's way too strong. I can't see you.

So the whole afternoon the whole evening the whole night the thoughts of you was running inside me. I felt like I could give up. It's been a year and I still can't let go of it. If I'm near you, I won't be able to forget you. If I'm far from you, I can't stop the missing. It's really hard to resist. Both way just feels like failure. How could I be so full of you when I'm just a scrap off your shoes? I'm tired.. I might put all this strength down, and come back to the way it was. But I still held my words. I won't put it down.

Then I really wanna talk with you. I'm tired and I remembered when we used to call at night, and you would cheer me up. I thought I could use some of it but I won't get it then. Then I play dumb, pressing your number which is still in here in this dumb head, typed a message asking you if you're already asleep. I swear I wouldn't send it the first time. But then accident happened during a conversation and I pressed the send button and I freaked out. DUMB ME! Then half part of me hoped you'd reply, the other part didn't. And you replied. And it's just a short conversation about life. "Good luck for your life".

Then after everything I realized that the reason why I'm still crazy about you is that I'm still hoping for you, and I BADLY need the words from your mouth. The words that will HONESTLY say that you DON'T love me. I REALLY, REALLY, BADLY NEED THOSE WORDS. I can't move on without unclearness.. That question is always in my head, you know. And I'm dying to hear the answer.. I'm tired, really tired tonight but I won't sleep holding this thing down. I can't lie to the fact that I still love you. It's like my mindcore is stained by you all over and I can't stop remembering, missing, and wishing for you.

You know, I said those promises and it feels like I said it a thousand times, and I'm still falling to be brokenhearted by the thoughts of you. Is it always going to be like this? I'm tired of getting up and then falling down all over again. It hurts that we have those times, hurts even more when I think "Why me?" or "Why us?". Now I'm getting the new concept. I was grateful that I met you. But now I'm not. It was a mistake, a big mistake that we have met. That I believed in this story. I'm tired, really tired.

What's happening next? Next week will be a day where I must face it.. And I can't run away.

I just want to know every single truth about everything.
I'm in a really exhausted condition in life.
And if there's gonna be someone there.. I don't know.
I wish I could let everything out. It's really deep hurting for me.
No one would understand..
I wish I could say everything in front of you, just to finish everything.
We never did, that's why I always feel undone..
But I'm not brave enough to say everything.
I really wanna forget everything.
Start from the beginning.
I'm really tired, I mean it..

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formspring.me

Uncategorized 11:08:00 PM

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Updates.

Dance Journey 11:30:00 PM

Well, I remember the year just started and it's already the middle of April.

Last Saturday there was this dance battle competition "One For All" and some of the crew joined.

It’s our first dance battle competition. We met a lot of dancers of different crews and even outta city. It was fun, gathering with all those dancers, and that was actually the purpose of the event. Here I learned much. What I get is The real purpose is not to be the best, but to give the best you got. Yes, that’s the way it should go. I passed until big 4, and in 2 first battles, my purpose was to win over my enemies, and lucky I won them. But then the 3rd and last battle before I wiped out was a battle with my own crew member, who’s absolutely a lot more skillful and things. And I was lost before the battle even started. I thought I won’t beat him and I backed down. It’s not a respectful loss, I should have battled to show my best, not to beat the enemy. So the result is I was wiped out and I feel bad. If only my purpose was to give the best of me, not to beat them, I would’ve enjoyed my dance better and won’t feel bad about anything. Next time it is, I should always be trying to give the best and always be myself. However, I am really grateful for that day. It was an amazing day of experience.

These days I feel like I’m bonding to the circle. I remember I was feeling alone and I was feeling as an outsider in this circle. But it’s changing, it’s getting different. That began the moment I started to act as myself, as me. Not as who I pretended to be. Then the whole view started to change little by little. I could enjoy my time. The conversations start to get nice. I don’t feel like a scrap on their shoes, at least it’s not like how it used to be. I hope this will last and get even better. I belong here as I know and things should be better since we’re gonna be together months ahead. The thing learned is, being yourself is nice, really nice. Even though yourself is not who you want to be. Be honest and show our weakness, people will respect and like us more than if we try to cover it. When it’s spoiled, it’ll all be over. Being our self is being bold, and no one will suspect anything.

Oh yeah, I bought this agenda book, it’s like some kinda journal. Since it’s getting busy in my days, I should note many things so the alzheimer moment don’t come to me. Plans rushing this month are only: Charity Job “Satu Hati” at 23rd, perform at school’s Easter and Petra Parade preliminary at 28th, perform at PD Team’s Easter and Petra Parade finals (if we pass) at 29th. And some small events around it. Getting my butt sore after One For All ‘till now though, I hope it’ll heal fast! ‘_’

These past few days I was busy selling T-Shirts to my friends, it started when my friend wanted to buy it and I helped him looking for more interested people to grab them as well so that the price will drop lower. Looking for a certain number of people was hard, but when it hit the number, it expanded and the number of people ordering was doubled. I was like, WOW. This could make and allowance to me. It’s really nice and I think doing it again next time won’t hurt. More allowance, more fun! LOL

A little info: I'm back to my swimming routine! Every Monday! It's nice to know I'm gonna get taller and not stuck like this. I'm doing it alone. I wonder what you'd say if you know that I go to that place every week, alone. You'd probably freak out and tell me to stop. haha.. That place used to be forbidden for me even if I went there with my friends. And I remember sneaking there without telling you. LOL Wow, memories. I hope you swim often too. You're a great swimmer, remember? Don't get caught up too much in education buzzes.. Actually, something really happened in this place. But I'm okay and I handled it. I can protect myself, you know? See, I'm not a real kid like what you always thought. Besides, swimming alone doesn't make me feel unsecure. It actually strengthens me somehow. I feel all buffed and serious. haha..

The last thing are prayers for the 12 graders, 9 graders, and 6 graders who is facing UNAS these weeks. Good luck! Give your best and God will do the rest. GBU :)