It's 1 o'clock and I just got home from a tiring day. From morning 'till evening I was outta home. And the last place was Imperial Ballroom where I did the stage practice for Satu Hati event this Saturday. It was very tiring since before I went there, there was a 3 hours reguler class at GHP. Wow, I could crack myself open. haha.. But the most tiring and weary place was at UKP. I didn't dance, I didn't do anything. Just the sight of you that really killed me. I thought I was strong enough to face it, but I'm not. I thought I was bold, but it's way too strong. I can't see you.

So the whole afternoon the whole evening the whole night the thoughts of you was running inside me. I felt like I could give up. It's been a year and I still can't let go of it. If I'm near you, I won't be able to forget you. If I'm far from you, I can't stop the missing. It's really hard to resist. Both way just feels like failure. How could I be so full of you when I'm just a scrap off your shoes? I'm tired.. I might put all this strength down, and come back to the way it was. But I still held my words. I won't put it down.

Then I really wanna talk with you. I'm tired and I remembered when we used to call at night, and you would cheer me up. I thought I could use some of it but I won't get it then. Then I play dumb, pressing your number which is still in here in this dumb head, typed a message asking you if you're already asleep. I swear I wouldn't send it the first time. But then accident happened during a conversation and I pressed the send button and I freaked out. DUMB ME! Then half part of me hoped you'd reply, the other part didn't. And you replied. And it's just a short conversation about life. "Good luck for your life".

Then after everything I realized that the reason why I'm still crazy about you is that I'm still hoping for you, and I BADLY need the words from your mouth. The words that will HONESTLY say that you DON'T love me. I REALLY, REALLY, BADLY NEED THOSE WORDS. I can't move on without unclearness.. That question is always in my head, you know. And I'm dying to hear the answer.. I'm tired, really tired tonight but I won't sleep holding this thing down. I can't lie to the fact that I still love you. It's like my mindcore is stained by you all over and I can't stop remembering, missing, and wishing for you.

You know, I said those promises and it feels like I said it a thousand times, and I'm still falling to be brokenhearted by the thoughts of you. Is it always going to be like this? I'm tired of getting up and then falling down all over again. It hurts that we have those times, hurts even more when I think "Why me?" or "Why us?". Now I'm getting the new concept. I was grateful that I met you. But now I'm not. It was a mistake, a big mistake that we have met. That I believed in this story. I'm tired, really tired.

What's happening next? Next week will be a day where I must face it.. And I can't run away.

I just want to know every single truth about everything.
I'm in a really exhausted condition in life.
And if there's gonna be someone there.. I don't know.
I wish I could let everything out. It's really deep hurting for me.
No one would understand..
I wish I could say everything in front of you, just to finish everything.
We never did, that's why I always feel undone..
But I'm not brave enough to say everything.
I really wanna forget everything.
Start from the beginning.
I'm really tired, I mean it..