Reinhard Gouw's Journal

You know, I kinda miss my old blog,
ひっそり L I F E _ I N K .
Should I go back to that one? No, it's too late. Don't ya think? No? Comment this post or hit me up on twitter or anywhere about your opinion please!

February's been a month of prosperity. You know, the Chinese New Year, and I got bucks from sweet 17 game and jobs. That's cool. But somehow it's a money-wasting month too since I shopped like that in Jakarta. What's more, my appetite for food are rising up and I can't really stop eating for long. I eat snacks a lot in school and everywhere. Maybe stressed? Potentially. The school's been stressing me out these days. I can't really understand the materials being taught in chemical and physics. Those writings are like what in the world are these? And I fell asleep easily in class. I couldn't really stop my eyes from going heavy..and down..and finally closed on the table. I'm not sleeping well. School assignments all over, mostly this week before the mid-semester exam. Ughh, I don't even wanna know how my exam scores will be.
After the mid-semester exam, I should be concentrating on DBL. This year they set it earlier, and we must be working hard soon. Wow, it feels too fast! I remember just starting the term with this DBL thingy, and now it's starting again. How I must value time better.
Talking about time, it's been bugging me that it's passing faster and faster, don't you think? We should realize that if we were passing it with laziness and unimportant things along, we have to get back in track! Value time. Do things you would be proud of. Don't make regrets.

Facts about me these weeks:
- I've been listening to pop songs
- I've been enjoying my time alone
- The happiest day was Sunday, 20 February
- I wasn't really listening to the subjects in class, I sleep all the time
- I'm pissed of school. I need a new environment!
- Bad hair WEEKS. I hope it grows longer fast
- I've been extremetely moody. Touch and die
- I'm not enjoying myself at all

Tiring enough for myself. I really need some new fresh air! I wish I could move to social class too. Really, I deeply regret I entered science class. It prevents me from enjoying my life to the max. Hurrahhh..
Talking about enjoying life, when I danced for the BEST Church's valentine event at ITC with O4 Crew, the preach that the preacher gave really matched me. It's about human's satisfaction. Human needs love. No love, human dies. But when that love goes wrong, it will never be enough. You can get love from other human and from the world. But just take a little trackback. Have they ever lead you to fullness? No. You want more and more, and sometimes you don't know what you want. What you want is HIS love, when you don't realize it. Only Him can fulfill the empty and thirsty space in you. Believe, search for Him, He will embrace you. He is the only One in this world who will still loves you no matter how much you hurted Him. Try to be a good person again. He will not abandon you. And someday, those tears will stop. :)

Let's get straight to a fast update!

My Jakarta trip (11-15 February) was a great shopping trip. Even the first day was very promising for the next days. I targeted some things in Mangga Dua and made a list of my hunted items. Obviously, I'm getting back to this fashion life. Been a long time since I neglected my fashion for dance passion. All this time I enjoyed wearing simple tees and shorts, basketball shorts, high top shoes. Here goes! In 2 days, I cleared my hunted items list 'till 3 left. And I started to love vintage there since I saw this shop named "Backstage" where they have so much fashion references for men on the wall and in a magazine. There's this khaki that looks so vintage-ish so I bought it and it started the vintage mind on my head. My sis told me that the khaki is a harem for men. The cuffs are to be rolled upward. And I saw a reference of the sets for this khaki. Wowie, the khaki really boosts my shopping targets. I got a vintage vest, a wood colored sneakers (I actually wanted to buy DC high top shoes other than this, but I wanted this Jakarta trip to be a fashion trip so I took this one) in Size?; it was the standing picasa web shop where I almost bought a shoe online there. A lot of shirts were attracting me. I used to hate shirts but I tried some and I love it! 3 shirts and 1 tee. Oh, I got punk'd to this one shirt, a really nice shirt I bought on the 2nd day cost me IDR 200.000, then when I came to Ko Aliong (He owns me and my mom's favorite shop, we always come here and got nice prices, we even can drop our shop bags here to walk freely :p) I saw the shirt with different color, and guess what, it cost only IDR 95.000! Dang! I lost IDR 105.000! For the only 1 tee? So not me. But really, I tried many tees and they didn't really fit me. I should really do some workouts and shape my body. :/

Saying workout, I mean I should really really do it. 'Cause the portion of foods I ate in Jakarta wasn't proper! Almost every time we ate, the others gave me their meals they're unable to finish. And on the third day, I planned not to eat 'cause my stomach hurted so much. haha.. As usual, we ate nasi uduk "Kota Intan", my first heaven of food in Jakarta. Then there's this one reason I couldn't really eat on the 2nd day, nasi goreng randang! It was Padang, and it's not good in your tummy! I could almost vomit if I think of it. haha.. Then what I love as well is bakmi "A boen" at Gang Kelinci. The last time I went there I was still a kid. The bakmi tastes great, despite the fact that I don't really like mie. And in Mangga Dua, the depot Medan we always used to eat. Wowie, so dang lots of food I love there. The snacks were delighting as well, the sweet corns all over Mangga Dua that's always been my target, and Takoku Takoyaki in front of Ko Aliong's MEN Shop that I love. Melted beef and cheese. Hmm.

I visited my dad's family near Jakarta. My grandma's feet were getting sore so we came. There's not so many people here like the usual condition if we visit. This little family gathering is delightful for me, despite the conditions there. I kinda started to feel the value of family. I started to smile along the conversations. Even when me and the girls were going to leave for the mall (my dad stayed there), I thought "Huh? Leaving already? Isn't this too fast?". Really, I learned and felt some valuable resolutions here. When you're older, you start to understand the value of family. You cannot hate one of your family members. Even if you say you do, deep inside you can't. There's just a strong bloodline. It's not about wealth, different race/ethnic, or the conditions. Family is family. Then that day, in the mall I held my mom all along, valuing her, and when the night came I hugged both my parents. I wanted to give them love I could rarely show. I love them even if I get lost in my own business most of the time. I want to make the time I have with them valuable.

That's about trip to Jakarta. The last 2 days were raining heavily. Maybe the capital city felt hard to let me go? haha.. See you later, busy city.

Maybe this is the last time I'd storytell about you, the one that I always adore, that's always there.

February 12 and 13, night.
The most life-edgy moments for me. It was the first time I cried in a mall, then in a taxi. It sounds so love-dramatic but it happened. Haha.. It's about you. I missed you a lot, and you've been gone for almost a week then. In my head, played some fictions. We weren't meant to be in love that time. You never really loved me. It was just a fake love story, blah3. Well, I kinda had those fictions back then, but that night it got vivid in my head. I missed all those sweet hugs, cuddlings, kisses. They're like, "wow..did they really happen?" But it gets bitter everytime I realize the truth that it's an unproper love.

On February 13 night, I suddenly felt the missing feeling again. I really missed you, no real words can describe it.. Maybe missing euphoria? I dunno.. I guess I was lonely. You can really boost my mood for a day, and ruin it at the same time. You were so vital for my live. Been over a year, I've never spent a single day without thinking of you. You were always here. Then when I got to the room, I decided to check on you, stalker style, like I used to do. Then I found something really heartslicing when I read it. You just..got someone else that you seem to care about. Well, I shouldn't be shocked, it's always the reason my heart broke. But this time, it's different.. That person's connected to my dance life. I've never wanted this underground world to be connected with my dance life. And I hated you, I hated him. I hated everyone. I tried to hold the pain, but I couldn't. Felt like all the emotions here poured out. And I started to have thousands of questions in my head I wanted to ask to you. I really, deeply needed someone. But I thought, who could understand such feelings as these? They would judge first, not try to feel it from my side. And I lost of ways, I remembered that writing can help you ease your mind, so I did. I wrote all that's inside my head..

"It's been more than a year.
I thought we were over, I thought my heart won. But it turns out that it still longs for you. I don't know why, but missing you kills me. Things are reminding me of you. It makes me know that I can only cry for one person in this world, you. Someone who created a real and everlasting emotion of love inside me, not knowing if maybe it's fake. I never knew what's in your heart. I'm occupied with questions all this time. I never got the answers from you. I need to know, was that story fake? Is the word "forever" a game for you? Am I the same with the others in your eyes? And what hurts for me.. I wasn't the only one all this time. All those love promises.. You're just plain wicked. You make me love you without promising to hold the love. Well, this is a wrong and unproper love, who doesn't know! It hurts! Don't you know how it feels? When someone promises eternal love, say that they won't be able to forget you, and you leave them for awhile, then after some time you found them with others! What's that like? You don't know how I feel.

This is not like any other love stories. Mine is bad, wicked, messed up, full of thorns. You.. The one who gave me the life mission to love and TRUST you.. You failed that TRUST and stabbed me slowly.. I DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT YOU ANYMORE. But it's hard, the truth is now my dance life and my other life is slowly crawled with that underground life, my bitter past.. They're becoming one! They have to stop! I want to forget! Please, make me become amnesia! Kill my feelings and memories! It's painful..

My heart screams inside, I can't let everything I wanna say out. No one should know my stories, yet no one would understand.. It hurts when you can't let something heavy out of your heart.. I can only cry, and it's for you. I need someone, I really do.. Please, I wanna stop crying. Please.."

The 2nd and 3rd paragraph seemed so overreacting and dramaking-ish, aight, I know! LOL But these feelings I wrote was really there. I couldn't get it myself how could I felt such pain. I felt like I was going to die, I was on the edge. Everything that's in my mind pushed me down. I really wanted to forget everything and become amnesia. I really needed someone to understand but there's no one. I thought I'd finish it by directly meeting you and talking to you, but our schedules couldn't always met. So I decided to leave you. I'm sorry, but I think this is the best for us. I couldn't hold it anymore. You already have the people you love, and the people who love you around you. I won't be really needed anymore. I hope that you're always happy in your life. No me, no you, no us, maybe it's the way it should be. And I should leave "3rd" too. You always said I'm not fair with you and "3rd". This time, I'll be fair. I promise. I will leave your life and "3rd"'s too. Fully. Not like last time when I said "I'll be there when you're down". Someone will do that for me. I will always ask God to keep you safe, to always guide you to the right way, and you'll find someone you really love.. Not just "really love" words that we had. Maybe we promised much, but what if these promises lead one another to heartbreaks? We won't be together anyway, we won't even be best friends, that can't happen for me. As long as there's you, you're always the one here. I wondered if it goes the same for you but I know it won't go the same.

On Valentine's Day, 14th February.
The message I sent you might be the last from me.
"Happy Valentine's Day.
I love you"
That's good enough for me.
[although I wanna said something elses..haha]
We might not meet or even talk again, but my prayer stays with you.
The truths I never dare to say to you
● I'm sorry for all that I've done
● When I suddenly got bad mood, I was jealous seeing you with others
● I never said I'm jealous, and I told you I hardly gets it, but I actually get jealous easily
● You're the one in my life who hurted my heart the most
● But the ironic truth is that I've never loved someone this much
● When I tried to leave you, I couldn't really do
● Seeing pictures of you makes me cry
● My alone time leads me into missing you
● I hate you so much, and love you so much at the same time
● When you told me you got over me, I told you "That's nice" but it kills me
● To be just siblings, has always been impossible for me
● I imagined about our future, living together like we imagined..but it always hurts
● I always wanted you to be mine, and tell the whole world about it.

Whew, I let it out! It sliced me but I'm glad I did. :)
Goodbye then, I love you.
Oh yeah, these are the whole something elses I failed to send to you. Just another confessions..

"Happy Valentine's Day.
It's a day of love, and I can't think of anyone else
The memories inside are strong, they're always been
Been more than a year, I walked my life with someone inside
Someone I never stopped thinking of, even for a single day
Someone who was forbidden for me, but who I could be naughty enough to stay close to
I knew I'd get hurt
I should be telling this to someone else who wouldn't hurt me
But the ironic truth that this someone who hurted me is the one that leads me to say this..
I love you.
And I can't keep the lies that I'm over you
This is a special day
And I want you to know that it's been you here
It's been you, always."

This week has been a really busy school week. Tests (most of them are science subjects), assignments, etc. I missed a lot when I was sick. And I did all of them this week, considering a peaceful mind for the Jakarta trip. I did all the tests decently. Well, I thought I wouldn't pass them well but actually I did. It's all thanks to Him. :) Everytime I go through hard times in school, He always helps me understand the subjects and do the tests well. Yet, I've been a jerk this week.

You know, feels like everyday I was struggling to take control of myself, to find my real personality. I've been these crazy and loud guy, but sometimes I kinda feel guilty to myself if I gone too wild. This other part of me, the silent person feels bad when I go that way. So I start to keep myself calm and silent in class, ignoring my loud partners. Trying to maintain a calm and gentle me. And what's bad, it turns me into this mad person. I just hate when people come around and ask "Are you ok?" or "What happened?". I don't answer those questions. It's just me. Me and the other side of me, the silent me, which is still me. Not that anything happened. I really wanted them to just go and buzz off my life everytime those questions appear. And I know it's wrong, maybe. I still need more time and I need to know myself more.. The problem with the mirror thing. I still can't do freestyle well facing mirrors. Maybe these problems are connected somehow. People say I have two-personality disorder. Well maybe I really do. Gotta get down to the matter fast and I should seek me, seek myself.. It's hard just being me. "Be yourself" is not that simple. Might be the hardest thing you could ever do in teen age.

Focusing on searching me, I've been closer to my friends in class. That's the good news. The bad(or horrible) news: I let loose of the real self-control I've been struggling for. And I..fell again. Not only once this week. I feel so dumb. I thought I had hatred and grudges for it, how could I do that again? I'm so pissed with myself, and I really don't know how to get myself back healed. Now I'm just trying to forget and live my life again, trying to keep those things aside. And I hope that I succeed.. Tomorrow the short holiday's starting, should keep my mood up and enjoy it! :)

I've been watching the next episodes of The Vampire Diaries, downloaded it from the net! My new friend Zendy told me how to. Well the series accompanied me through the dark days. It inspires me, how to be calmer. How to be more gentle. Nice, actually. :) Plus, Katherine's aura and Caroline's smile just make me fall in love. Haha.. So why don't Elena and Stefan write diaries anymore? They only did in the first series and inspired me to keep playing writer. hmm

In school, some attractions pull me over. "Blush on" and things. That's not really good. Well, the feeling's good but..rather life threatening. Forget it. Haha ;p

Done packing. Hope that I'll find interesting things and my mood can play nice. ;) I've been restless these days. Tired. And I REALLY NEED a place to rest my head. Then I hope everything will get back to normal.. I want my normal life, and my normal self.
JAKARTA, I'm coming for you! :)