Sunday, October 29th 2017 |
I need to write more. That's what I keep telling myself. It's one of the way for me to connect with myself. To re-understand myself. To trace back to who I was. Who I wanted to be, what I longed for.
I've been feeling quite lost in the past few days. I've been feeling unproductive. I've been feeling like I just wanted to sleep all day. One of my theory was I felt this way because of losing. haha. It's just a theory. I went to Malaysia last week to join a competition. I knew who the competitors were. On the back on my mind, I believed that we would make it to at least the Top 3. I carried that to the competition. We did our very best, each one of us. And until the announcement, I had no doubt or thoughts that we would be outside the Top 3. Then, bam. The result hit like a rock.
I had no back up plan of losing. At all. Not emotionally, not financially (going home bringing nothing after all the expenses), not mentally. I was used to any kinds of losing at competition. Even last year when we went for Astro Asian Battlegrounds and didn't make it to Top 3, I was okay. Completely okay. And even fueled by the competition vibe, the showdown of other dancers around Asia. Even in Indo when I lost, I was never disappointed. At all. But this? To be honest and to trace it back, it was the first time in my life to ever feel disappointed about losing.
I was sad. Tears could fall at anytime. It was a small competition, only at neighbor's country. Then why? Then this theory came to my mind that maybe it was because I gave it all. I've been pouring a lot of energy and time to this aspect of life called "dance". When I check my recent feeds on social media, most if not all of them was about dance, or at least originated from dance activities. I had a big portion of dance in my life, more than I ever did before. Not the previous year, not several years before. Maybe that's why this struck of psychological breakdown happened. Unconsciously, I felt that it's not supposed to turn out like this, after this increase of portion in my dance life. But then again, it's competition. I went with a team, competed with other teams, being judged by other dancers, in situations and conditions that I do not control all by myself. The universe wouldn't turn my team the winner only because I wanted to or I think I deserve to.
So I guess it's only fair that there's an alternative of losing. And now I have to get my ass up and just focus on to the next one. Which is another Astro Asian Battleground Finals on December. Time to do some payback.
As for my psychological state. My mind has been asking questions as the aftermath. Am I doing the right thing? What do I really want? Who am I really? Who was I? I remembered myself in university, and I remembered feeling completely different. As I wrote in my previous posts. I really wanted that me back. But I guess the wheel of life turns, and life goes on.
Funny thing is, there's one thing today that I find giving me a spark of identity. I felt an energizing flow through my spine, reminding me of who I was, how I felt, and my desires. You know what that is? It's The Vampire Diaries. The TV show that ended back on March. It might sound funny to you, as it did to me. But unbelievably true, when I randomly watched the last episode of TVD today, it took me back to the past 8 years.
Yes, The Vampire Diaries had been the TV series that I watched almost every week in the past 8 years of my life, starting when I entered high school. It accompanied me through my first love and heartbreaks, my next relationships, my crazy family drama, and many other life events up until last March when it ended. It was always alongside my journey of knowing myself, finding my identity as I chose my university major, and many of life decisions. I realized that TVD, with all its stories, characters and their psychological developments, the plot and the world created, has been shaping my way of viewing the world, viewing myself, even my daily music choices, how I behave and respond to this world and the people inside it. That's why your mom told you not to watch TV too much. haha.
But then again, it gave me an odd energy from my past. It felt sad. And good at the same time. I got some flashbacks of feeling, and a glimpse of those confidence, fire, optimism, and boldness that I had in university. I want to have that back. I want to be that person once again. I want to be productive. I want to lead. I want to excel. I want to become the ever-thriving Reinhard, always chasing achievements and believed that every challenge he can overcome and step up. That the world is a place where he can leave his mark.
I guess when you feel lost and forgetting who you were, you can re-know yourself from things that connected with you. Your TV show, your good old friend. Anything and anyone that can remind you of who you are.
