Reinhard Gouw's Journal

After 10 months of living in Melbourne, I'm finally back in my hometown, Surabaya.

It feels so good to be back. Seeing my family and my closest friends and being able to hug them. Visiting the spaces I used to spend time in. It honestly feels like forever and just yesterday at the same time.

What I realize the most was that everyone grew in different ways. Including myself. Being away from each others for a long time make changes seem significant. Thankfully the feelings are the same. They never fail to make me feel completely free to be myself and comfortable around them. I think it's the reason this place is called home.

This home now feels like a wonderland for me. A place to take a break and relax, surround myself with people that I love and love me. Where I just have to make the most out of everyday by enjoying moments with them. Where I feel safe and don't have to try so hard to adapt and fit in with the environment.  At the same time, this place is a reality that I've been away from. It reminds me of a lot of questions and facts about the present and future. The ones that have been invincible to me in Melbourne, but were actually there all along. They give me anxiety and insecurity, and at the the same time, reflection and direction.

Looking back at the life that I left in Melbourne, I started to see it in a bigger picture. A perspective that I haven't got the chance to see from. 10 months. I wanna appreciate that guy who struggled to adapt and build a life in that place. Who put the energy and effort to find a decent job and support his own living, get himself a few amazing new friends as support system, who managed to unlock some milestones in his education and dance life, built a decent network, and who's starting to feel comfortable with himself and his new life in general. Even though you constantly feel like you're not doing enough, you are actually doing well buddy. :) More to come next year, okay?

There are many things that I haven't told you. Believe me, a lot of things have happened. And many aspects of my life has changed, for better or for worse. And since things are starting to pile up, I feel like it's time I need to get back to this habit. Writing; my sanctuary, my sanity keeper, my cure, and one of my way of leaving my mark in this world.

Meanwhile, let's enjoy these next 12 days here. I'm home! :)

Mendadak banget ya mok. Merepotkan memang. :)

Jadi gini toh rasanya, nggak bisa ngomong sama seseorang lagi selamanya.

Well, mungkin banyak yang sudah pergi sebelum kamu. Tapi kehilangan orang yang bener2 aku anggap adikku sendiri, ya baru ini mok.

Kita nggak spend waktu sebanyak itu. Mungkin ga sebanyak kamu sama Ipin, Bon, sama BDC yang lain. Kita mulai deket waktu kamu masuk LM. Aku inget pol kamu ga mau tak peluk sama sekali karena menurutmu aneh peluk lawan jenis. hahaha funny how that felt like a long time ago karena akhirnya itu jadi sesuatu yang biasa buat kamu. Moka yang dulu sangat polos dan "tradisional", akhirnya jadi lebih terbuka dan gak "ndeso" ya mok. hahaha thanks to BDC juga pastinya ya. Hana, Ipin, Lim, Bon (Speaking of which, I admire your friendship so much.)

Jujur, aku nggak pernah nyangka sebelumnya kita bisa sedekat ini. You're always that pure energy of light. I'm the darkball. Kamu selalu positif, aku cenderung negatif. Kamu punya keyakinan kuat dengan agamamu, aku ada di sisi lainnya. Kita udah kayak yin yang yang bener2 berbeda pemikiran dan keyakinan. Tapi kamu selalu terbuka. Kamu mau mendengar. Kamu nggak ngejudge. Surprisingly, moka adalah seorang yang sangat open minded. We beautifully accepted our differences. And in a short time, you become one of my closest people. 

Lampu kamarku hari ini nyala waktu aku pulang. Padahal aku ga pernah keluar rumah lupa matiin lampu. Aku ga biasa percaya hal2 supernatural gituan mok, dan kamu tahu itu. Tapi saking desperatenya, aku sempet mikir jangan2 itu kamu. hahaha buodo. Tadi malem pun sebelum tidur aku sempet mikir, kalau pun kamu tiba2 muncul sebagai hantu atau masuk mimpiku, aku gak puopo wes. haha seng penting isa ngobrol sama kamu. Kenapa segitunya? Karena banyak polll yang mau aku let out ke kamu.

Pertama, aku marah.

Marah sama kamu. Marah juga sama alam semesta. Pertanyaan yang ada di benakku dua hari ini ya cuma "kenapa kamu", "kenapa sekarang". In my head, you had this whole life ahead of you. I knew for sure wonderful things are coming your way. Kamu baru banyak prestasi, kamu punya banyak banget mimpi di hidupmu, di nari. I love how you tell me those dreams of yours in our phone calls. Betapa terbakarnya kamu. And in that moment, who would've expect that this kind of burning passion will be put out soon? Rasanya nggak mungkin. Tapi terjadilah apa yang terjadi. Mau salahin kamu. Kenapa nggak ati2. Kenapa nggak dengerin temen-temenmu. Kenapa kepedean. Kenapa sok kuat. Kenapa keras kepala banget jadi orang. Tapi aku udah bisa bayangin ketika aku ngomelin kamu gini, kamu pasti cuma bales ketawa dan cengar cengir seperti biasanya. hahaha mok..mok...

Marah sama alam semesta. Karena nggak bisa menemukan logika yang bisa dinalar. Kenapa harus kamu. Kenapa harus sekarang. Itu terus yang berputar2 di kepalaku. Tapi yah, alam semesta punya jalannya. Dan sekesal2nya aku. Sedengki2nya aku. Sebenci2nya aku. Aku nggak akan pernah ngerti. Dan alam semesta nggak akan pernah minta maaf sudah salah ambil orang dan mengembalikan waktu. Mengembalikan kamu. Lagi-lagi, kita manusia nggak bisa apa-apa. Kamu bilang kalau memang sudah rencananya, kalau memang sudah waktunya, ya sudah. Sekarang aku nggak bisa apa-apa selain percaya sama kamu.

Kedua, aku sedih.

Hatiku hancur disini mok. Di satu sisi, karena aku nggak bisa ada di sana untuk ngelihat dan ngantar kamu terakhir kalinya. Di sisi lain, karena aku nggak bisa ada di sana buat orang-orang terdekat kita. You make me feel devastated and you left me no option. Tiket mahal mok, aku belum punya uang sebanyak itu. Kalau aku bolos kerja juga bisa-bisa aku dipecat. Kuliahku juga masih jalan. Aku nggak bisa apa-apa, cuma bisa nangis sesenggukan tiap kali mikirin hal ini. Belum lagi ngelihat orang2 terdekat kita sakit ngerasain kehilanganmu mok. Dan aku gak bisa apa2. My heart aches so so bad. It hurts me so much. Hahaha keterlaluannnnnn kamuuuuuuuuuu! Tadi pagi aku pergi kerja pakai kacamata :))))) wtf. gara2 kamu. bahkan mau keluar rumah sore tadi aku harus telpon Inez biar nggak nangis. Sumpah mok, aku jadi cengeng gegara kamu.

Sedih juga, karena sekarang semua rencana yang kamu ceritakan harus dikubur sama kamu. Moka yang jadi dancer internasional, moka yang bawa LM to the top karena "kadung sayang". Aku hanya menyayangkan karena kamu punya bakat luar biasa. Passion yang berapi-api. Leadership capacity yang kuat. Dan aku yakin ini salah satu alasan kenapa orang yang ga seberapa deket sama kamu pun bisa merasakan kehilangan. Kepergianmu ngga cuman dirasain orang2 terdekatmu mok, but the whole Indonesian dance scene. Hey, you should be proud of that. At least kamu bisa bangga dan tahu sekarang, bahwa kamu bisa achieve semua itu. Andai aja kamu diberi waktu lebih banyak.. I would love to see you at a later point ketika kita sudah capai mimpi2 kita bareng2 mok. Tapi kembali lagi, alam semesta berkata lain. Nonetheless, aku sangat bangga sama kamu.

In such a short time in the dance community, banyak hal yang sudah kamu lakukan. Bikin pagelaran sendiri sama BDC. Ikut HHI, WOD. Bikin koneksi sama dancer2. Ikut mimpin dan menggerakan LM. Wow...soooo much things you did back there. Satu tahun terakhir aja, character developmentmu luar biasa. At least I am relieved to know that you maximized your time mok. And I hope you are satisfied with what you did as well.

Sekarang, waktunya kita yang masih di bumi ngelanjutin api yang kamu bawa. Aku jadi sadar mok, bahwa waktu bukan punya kita. Seyakin2nya kita, sepinter2nya kita merencanakan, waktu hanya titipan. Yang bisa diambil kapan saja oleh yang punya kalau dirasa sudah saatnya. Jadi, aku mau maksimalkan waktuku lebih lagi sekarang. Dan aku janji bikin kamu bangga. Aku yakin anak2 di BDC dan LM pun akan berusaha meneruskan apimu. Iya, segitu besarnya dampakmu mok. Kamu mungkin nggak sadar, tp kamu sudah meninggalkan impact yang begitu besar buat orang di sekelilingmu.

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. Our heart still ache in sadness, and secret tears still flow, what it meant to lose you, no one will ever know. You will never forgotten, we pledge to you today, a hallowed place within our hearts, is where you’ll always stay. We love you three thousand ❤️ In memoriam @monicakristianty Went to heaven 09.09.19 1998-2019

A post shared by Last Minute Street Crew (@lastminute_sc) on Sep 9, 2019 at 8:34pm PDT

Terlepas dari nari, aku merasa beruntung mok bisa dikasih kesempatan kenal sama kamu. I'm glad that you've been there in my lifeline. I'm glad that at some point in my life, I got to know such a warm, gentle, wonderful soul. Who makes everyone around her happy with her presence. I'm glad to call you my little sister. :) Thank you so much for your constant faith and encouragement for me. And I am proud to have put my faith in you too. You did really well.. And I promise I will make you proud. I will try and carry some of your dreams ya mok. Hope the universe lets me fulfill them.

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Let me introduce you to this super desirable man called @reinhardgouw 💣 . Yaa cerita dikit, kenal krn ngajar di BDC. Trs lgsg amazed sama cara dia ngajar yg begitu detail. Ngerasa seneng krn cara ngomong nya yg halus, mengayomi, good vibes, tapi teges juga. Tambah excited lagi krn style hiphop nya asik dan ak syukak. Entah knp jg ak gk pernah gk suka sama koreonya hmm . Semakin mengenal semakin tau baik buruk nya. Baik nya bikin nyaman, buruknya bikin belajar, keduanya bikin makin indah dan sayang Ya bahasa alaynya "sosok brother idaman" laa . So inspiratif dr segi dance dan kehidupannya, cara dia berpikir dan ngeshare pemikirannya klo mnrt dia perlu dan baik. Orang yg sgt positif buat aku. Dr dia aku bljr utk makin bijak, dewasa, open minded, confident, brni speak up, dan masih bnyk lagi benernya. Asik buat guyon asik buat serius. Selalu supportif and no judging. Sedih sih harus pisah lg sm salah satu org yg berharga buat ak, tapi ak gk nyesel kok selama ini bisa kenal dan deket juga sm org ini, malah bersyukur pol . And this is one of my favorite choreo by Reinhard 💃 Really happy to have you in my life and dance journey. Thanks for you ❤

A post shared by Monica Kristianty (@monicakristianty) on Feb 25, 2019 at 9:09pm PST

So this is all I got to say. Again, sori ya dek nggak bisa nganter kamu malam ini.
Maaf aku juga nulisnya semerawut ya mok.. there's too much that I want to say. Coba bisa telponan lagi aku sambil nyetrika/masak dan kamu nyetir/mau latihan. Jesus Christ...it felt like yesterday.

I hope you're reading this somewhere up there.

Looking forward to the day we catch up again yaa..

I'll bring you a lot of good stories for sure.

I miss you, dek.

See you when the day comes.

Sunday, June 30th 2019 |

(Link to my latest post on Medium: https://medium.com/@reinhardgouw/start-small-c4c9141e0315)

It's been four months since I arrived in Melbourne. It feels like forever. So many things have happened. I finished my first semester at Monash University, I got in and out of job- twice, and I got a teaching slot in a dance studio. To be honest? It's getting harder.

The first three months felt like it was a holiday. Everything felt so new. I started to create this scheme and define this city, or so to say, this new life that I have here in Melbourne. But then, up to this point everything has been crystalizing. And when I reflect upon myself, I feel like I started losing a sense of purpose.

To be fair, I admit that the main story has been about dance. I plotted a lot of things, set a lot of goals around this aspect of life. It's been my number one priority, even when I started looking for jobs. I blocked some work availability schedule for dance and that got me to rejection in some places. For all I know, dance has always been my home, and it's the first thing that made me feel comfortable here in this country; it gave me the warmest welcome by offering so many opportunities, so many connections. I even found some of the greatest friends here through dance. The dance scene made me feel accepted, acknowledged, appreciated. Being a newcomer, it's really a privilege for me to feel this close to home just by dancing. And I will always be grateful for this gift.

But on the other side, I put my uni and work life below it, despite of the fact that they were the reasons I went to Australia in the first place. Well, to be honest, my main reason was just to press the restart button. Frankly saying, to run away. To reinvent, recreate, redefine myself. Boy, teaching dance overseas? It was one of my dream and it's happening. Right now. But I lost sense of focus. I forgot that reinventing, recreating, redefining myself really don't mean I'll be doing the same thing and expanding myself in that area. I guess it means more about expanding myself in other areas too.

Dance has always been the greatest story of my life. It took me to places, connected me to people, experiences once I could only wish for in life. It gave me confidence, happiness, contentment. But I think it's also the time for me to seek these in other aspects of life that I can pursue too. It's time for me to put more attention and nurture the other things that I want to do in life. Things that might even be bigger than myself.

So, just as news, I just got a scholarship from Deakin University, the same major, Communications. The difference is, it's gonna be more practical and the units feel more familiar to me than the ones they have at Monash. So I decided to accept the offer as it is also generally cheaper than finishing my study at Monash. I'm seeing this as a restart button, as the scholarship means I have to pursue certain standard in my academic performance and also be actively engaged in the uni activities (as they also give the scholarship awardees the opportunity to join their excellence program, some kinda mentorship in leadership and everything).

With all that's happening in my dance and work life, it might be fair to say that the universe is reminding me of my main purpose (even the only reason I'm able to stay) here in Australia. I want to expand myself doing and learning things I'm not used to. And see where it takes me. Even when it's uncomfortable. Even when it's challenging. Even when it feels like holding the steer of a car on your own for the first time.

As from what I've learnt this far, it's not easy. Feeling stupid becomes a normal thing. Loneliness. God, it's always there lurking. But as I read the messages that my closest people gave me before I go in form of letters, they always remind me that it's a process that I should embrace.

Process. How hard it is for me to let its meaning soak into my reasoning. Process is always intertwined with the variable of time. Process is always before result, and more importantly it's not result itself. It can be hard, daunting, and mostly uncomfortable. But most of the time, it's gonna be worthwhile. And that's what I should always remember; I should stop defining myself by the process. If anything, I should only define myself by my endurance, persistence, and hard work during the process. And gratitude all throughout the process of coming out the other end a better person.

Hi folks. It's been 2 weeks since I moved to Melbourne. Man. Here I am.

And also managed to did a Valentine mini-Charity. yay!

If you ask me how I felt, I would say it felt flat. I think it might be my unconscious mechanism to not feel sad because honestly? I had a lot of insecurities and anxieties inside. Am I gonna be able to speak english fluently? Cause I tend to stutter when I meet natives. Am I gonna be able to make friends? Am I gonna be able to find some work and buy my own bread? Am I gonna be able to learn how to cook? Am I gonna be able to survive in this whole new country? Mostly because I never lived outside my hometown. So yeah, I didn't feel anything. Prolly because it was too much for me to handle.

The emotions started flooding in around D-2. Man. You don't know how many times I cried alone in my room. Thinking about how I'm not gonna meet Mom, Dad, my Sister, Vodka, Ste, Ipin, Samantha, Jay, Ce Bing, BDC, LM. I'm not gonna spend every Monday and Thursday practicing with LM. And jumping to a whole new world. Shit just started. getting. real. And I was glad to spend the last night having a deep convo with my sister. A thing we almost never did because we're too busy with our own lives. :)

So the day came. My family + Ipin + Samantha accompanied me to the airport. In the airport, my cousin hired a VIP airport service which was VERY convenient. Other than picking me up at the lobby with my luggage, carrying my documents, checking me in....I'll tell you later. So I was surprised that a large number of people showed up!!!!! Honestly I didn't expect it to be that many. Last Minute Street Crew, Devina, Yuli, Hana, Valen, Febe, Ste on video call. Wow. I'm just so fuckin' grateful for them in my life. God is so kind to have given me these wonderful people.

I feel so loved. I feel supported. Not just by coming, they gave me some token of love with positive affirmations and wishes. They made me feel confident. Whole. Content. And I guess it's what I had been needing for this new trip. Thank you so much. I love you guys. (Also from Abel in Singapore transit!)

I will miss everyone and everything so damn much.

Thank you for your faith in me. I hope I can make everyone proud.

*ah, as for the VIP airport service. I had to board the airplane at around 9 if I'm not mistaken, And at 8.50, I was still busy saying goodbye. And when we (me and Chachia, my friend who's coincidentally on the same flight) got to the immigration portal, it was really crowded. I thought it was impossible, but there was surprisingly a private line for VIP services! So we didn't need to Q at all. When the people who were Qing saw us, they're like bitch how'd you get there  

- - - - - - - - - - -

So that's how I said see you again to my hometown.

Now Melbourne. I guess I've been doing well! Surprisingly.

The first two days were overwhelming for me. Had I not known Jasmine Wirawan, I would prolly have gone crazy. She picked me up from the airport, and has been giving me an essential Melbourne 101! She taught me a lot of things from Myki cards (for trains and buses), groceries, the city, the people, just everything. And I will forever be grateful that you're my day 1 in this city, Min! So after the overwhelming information in the first two days, and spider issues in the house and in my room in the first week.... I guess I'm settling in alright.

Spiders. Let's talk about spiders. They're one of the creatures I get creeped out of. I mean dude, shit's got 8 legs! And there's one in my incubator when I was a baby! (my sister saved me that time, thank you) Anyway. Shit's fricken real here. I've heard before that spiders are easily found in Australian homes. Especially in Summer. So I found a lot in my share house and even my room. There were 10+ of them, dead and alive. I found two crawling on top of my bed. I found one big ass spider crawling under my bed, and on top of my desk. Jesus Christ. But I've levelled up from using broom to tissue to pick the dead corpses. Yay. Now they only pop up once every few days.

Dance life. One word. Crazy. In two weeks, I joined 3 classes, and I got a chance to attend the practice of one of the finest team in Australia. I can feel a huge wave of positivity coming from this dance scene, and I'm really really grateful of how The Universe is leading me. I used to question why I was led to dance full-time in the past 2 years. But now it all starts to make sense. It gives me a lot of opportunity to thrive, to feel confident, even to travel the world. Dance is one of the pillars that built me, and it's one of the very few things that make me feel at home. I promise myself I won't stop dancing and thriving in this passion.

So whoever you are, if you need this. Everything will make sense someday.
Just put your faith in the universe, and believe that it's guiding you to where you should be.

Social life wise, I was honestly surprised that I got to stay me even in english-speaking environment! I read a theory that different languages can create different personalities inside of you. But I guess it doesn't affect my social perks. I can still be the Reinhard who feels bold (and a bit cocky I know) and open for convos. Man, it feels really good to be able to be yourself in a whole new place. I even feel that some of my perks are enhanced here (as the people are not conservative and they are REALLY nice). So yeah, it feels awesome.


Groceries. I hated groceries shopping on my first day when Jasmine taught me. It's confusing. It's something a mother should do. But you don't know how much I fricken love doing groceries now. I would do it everyday. I would do it at midnight. Try me. I. LOVE. GROCERIES. And I'm learning how to cook yay.


So yeah, it's been great 2 weeks! Melbourne is an easy city to adapt to, and the people are nice (yes, I keep telling people that when they ask me. But that's because it's true!). All is well. The only thing that gives me anxiety is that I want to find some work as soon as possible. I had a good amount of saving for now, but I don't wanna be having hard time on living expenses and burden my family in the next months, so yeah. Wish me luck.



Wow, it's a long post! (with a lot of bonus pictures)
There's just so many things I wanna write down. I will try to write more so that it doesn't pile up.

Thank you Universe, for everything.

It's 2019 and I already missed my first goal: Write a blog once a month. Great! I missed writing a post on January. But I'll catch up soon. Believe me, I bet I would write a lot more when I'm there. Because you know, loneliness. Being here with a lot of people is enough to make me feel lonely at times. Can't imagine when I'm there. But then again, I'll survive. I always do.

Having annual resolutions is starting to get old for me. So I didn't really spend time thinking about it. But there is one goal that I've been keeping in mind, that I want to pursue this year.

It's to stop degrading myself.