Kalo gaada orang tua aku ga akan liburan terus kok. Kalau pun liburan pakai duit sendiri juga maksa biasanya duitnya. Ga ada yang bisa dibanggain. I just don't have a decent job and have a lot of time to spend useless things with, that's all.

When I taught a class out of town.

Hahaha, Re, Re. Banyak yang sering dipanggil ngajar kelas di luar. Bahkan ke luar negeri. Kamu baru bisa dihitung jari. Ga perlu lebay. Kamu belum ada apa-apanya sama mereka.

"Keren banget, bisa lomba dance sampe luar negeri!"

Hahaha, biasa aja. Belum pernah menang juga. Bahkan pernah peringkat terbawah. Kalau sudah sering bawa piala baru aku pantes bangga.

"Kinerjamu bagus, Re."

Terngakak. Kamu gatau aja seberapa malas aku dan seberapa suka aku procrastinate. I never really did my best. Aku ga seniat itu. Aku ga pintar atur waktuku.

When I won something.

Ah, itu hogi aja. Karena kondisinya begini begini dan begini. Kalau kondisi ini begitu begitu dan begitu, belum tentu menang. Dan ingat, ini ga ada apa-apanya dibanding mereka. Ga perlu alay.

"Kamu itu pinter Re, pasti bisa sukses."

Sayangnya aku terlambat. Aku belum tahu mau ngejar apa. Ya lihat aja nanti waktu udah pindah, semoga aku bisa excel in life di sana. Btw pinter? hahaha aku cuman pinter ngomong aja. Dan pinter menimbulkan image bahwa aku pinter. The fact is? I'm not. I'm just a dumbass guy who likes to deeptalk without doing any real thing in life.

and the list goes on.

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There. Those are the kind of thoughts I always have in my head. I always counter my gratitude with comparison, with negativity. I always told myself not to be too happy because there are others who are better, who did more, who achieved more. Or because I think people just don't know the "reality" that I'm not that good.

Source: http://www.katiegeary.com/artwork/paintings/

And now I realized, it's killing me.

I became this negative guy having hard time to feel grateful and content about myself and about life in general. I always look up and forget to look down. I haven't been kind to myself. Too much self-loathe. Now I'm a bitterfuck.

When I think of the reasons why, I came up with two theories:

One of my best friend I used to be close with, a very smart, logical and realistic one, excel in life career-wise; used to be my tag team in university life. Always guiding me. Always on the same team. It's like we have the same mindset and work pace. I always look up to this person and seek guidance. I even made a lot of life choices according to the advices I was given. I even think of them as older sibling who I could always rely to. Being realistic, sometimes I received comments like "Kamu benernya nggak kerja keras sih, cuman kamu aja yang pinter bikin impresi sampe orang ngerasa kamu kerja keras.". Or just any "realistic" comments that made me feel pessimistic about myself. It got worse when we graduated and have the same job, even worse when we chose different path after. Always succeeded in making me feel I chose the wrong path, not good enough in my job, don't excel enough in career and pretty much in life. What they said is always true, in logical way. That's why I always trusted them. But it always took away my hope. Now I just realized that it's a matter of difference in timeline, mindset, and what we want to pursue in life. I would never want to be like them in the same way that they would never want be like me, but that doesn't mean I chose the wrong path. I didn't regret dancing my way to this position. Living my dance life to the full extent while visiting different cities, being ignorant about knowledge of startup and business shits, and not working 9-5 in front of laptop.

To you who realized it was you, it's not me hating you. It's just me hating why I was so naive to not see our differences. Your life suits you perfectly well and I'm glad you're enjoying it to the full extent. But I realized that I don't want your kind of life and I realized that it's toxic to think I should.  Moving soon, I will re-imagine what I want in my life. It doesn't have to be all about career and serious shits. But I will definitely start enjoying and feel content about everything I'm doing from now on.

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You must be bored by now, reading this long post. But yeah, that's my thinking process towards this goal. In conclusion, I will stop degrading myself. Treat myself better by letting gratitude flow freely. Feel content of every little goodness in my life. And even if it's luck, I will believe in universe that I am worthy of it (thank you Ainun Bahrir for reminding me of that on the "Powerless" post). Embrace my happiness and not giving it my cold shoulder.

I love my life. What I've been through and what is to come.

I love myself.

2019, come at me! It's gonna be great.