Reinhard Gouw's Journal

"Hope is the only thing stronger than fear".

I think it's been years since the last time I felt this feeling.
It's an emphasized feeling of fear.

Just until weeks ago, I was still able to be proud of myself. That I wasn't scared with anything. I could handle everything. I said that I would always be secure because I have a lot of people, that I was well-known enough to always have walls where I could hide myself behind. But now it feels like nothing.

I know this is happening to wake me up. It is happening to make me realize, that I am not secure at all. People around me will come and go and they won't always be able to shield me up. I'm not strong enough with these human shields I always rely on. They're probably even just my made-up delusion. I am another human being standing alone.

I remember how I still brag about my abilities, how I can dance well, how I can speak in front of audience, how I can handle many things quite well, how I was always the special guy, how I was just capable of everything and that nothing can stop me. Now I know I never had those things. They're only His richness that He entrusted in me. And here I am, bragging around with it like they're all mine.

Well, if this fear really has to happen. I hope that it doesn't hit anybody else other than myself. Everything happened because of me and because I lacked of attention. I over trusted myself and didn't listen to them. I hope they're OK and it's me who should face this consequences.

I hope it doesn't have to happen. But then again, I won't be punished enough.
If it has to be, I don't want them to be hurt. Let it be upon me.
Let me learn one or a couple things and be better than before.
If I made enough mistake for this, let it be.
Just, please protect them. Protect me.
I only hope there's still a chance there somewhere.
I hope that You tell me what to do now so I can face this right.

"Where did I begin?
Turning through the pages
But I don't know what I've read
Tread is wearing thin
Everything's familiar
but I don't know who I am."


I think I've been gone for too long. Well, the date on my last post proves me wrong, but believe me. That's not me. Or at least, that's another version of me.

I'd like to call him Alton Tam. Let me describe him for you.
Well, he's bolder, he feels sorry a lot less than me, he's more rude, he's tougher, he's proud of his villain attitude, he doesn't care about his nasty attitude, he says bad words more, he hates people he doesn't fancy and enjoy watching them in a bad shape, he's driven by hostility, he loves revenge, he owns his own world.
And to be honest, it felt good being him.

Well it feels like a current life mission for me to be a lot bolder, to not bother about anyone's perception when I know I didn't do anything wrong for myself. Being this Alton Tam helps me reach that. But living his life for too long can really break myself. I got into this peak horrible time when I don't know who I was anymore, I even do bad things I never expected myself to do. I felt horrible, painfully exhausted and I knew that I really needed to be fixed. I've gone too far being him. So I finally tried and turned it off.

Now let me accept who I am just a little.
I am not a person who's bold enough to say "NO" everytime. I think too much of what people think of me. I don't want them to leave me so I always give them my good side. My world is mostly constructed of what people want it to be. Well I still love revenge, but I don't really hold hostility that much. The good thing is: I live peacefully with this.
Although I'm not as bold as Alton, as careless about people's prejudice as him, and I barely hold my own world.

I know that I have to learn Alton's positive sides and be better with it. It just still feels hard to separate his positive with negative sides. It feels like a whole set that I should indulge. As time goes, I hope that I can separate them and learn to be better..


Do you know that I still have another version of me?  I do, but he doesn't really show up these days. Maybe someday, I'll introduce him to you. It's actually someone I don't recognize that deep. I can't really tell how and who he is. Well maybe I'm a weirdo that thinks he has alter egos. haha. I don't. They're just some selves that are really different one another and the thing is, they're inside me. Maybe I should blend them as one somehow.