Reinhard Gouw's Journal

I've been an ass these days and bad news is, I like it.
The 10 things I would want to do if I I actually get to turn bad:

1. Act like an ass to whoever I don't fancy
2. Make bad people's lives miserable
3. Turn into vampire and hurt whoever I want, but promise to keep them alive
4. Put big shame on those who disrespect me
5. Do whatever I want without anyone able to stop me
6. Play mind games and trick everyone into believing me
7. Fool people and see them shocked and amazed
8. Do revenge and make the worst regret of their life
9. Have people mess with me and find out that it was a bad idea
10. Fast, tricky, foxy, easily lose track of

I guess I can't and I won't. haha

I still can't quite arrange my time well.There's too much to be done and prepared.
I start to have this bomb in me.
Try me and I'll explode.
I think I'm getting crazy.

"Hello world, hope you're listening. Forgive me if I'm young, for speaking out of turn."

Feet crossed, breeze around, freedom bracelets on my left hand, and a little time to write down.
Perfect moment in these busy weeks.

I should've been digging my creativity for an audition, but I decided to back down. I think it's not the field I should be in anymore, at least for this moment. It's the first time I start to try and see a bigger picture of me, a few years in front of me.

Since the start of this year I've been listening to lectures, speeches, and all the paragraphs telling me to find and be myself, and start planning who and what I will be years in front.
People look to me as a planner, always ready and prepared, and that I am all set for the future.
To be honest, I don't know.

The path way in front is all blurry.
All I know is I wanna be an inspiration. I want to create an impact. I want to change the way youth think of themselves and live. I want them to find who they are, live who they are, and rebel against other people's prejudice. But the current fact is that I haven't even know how to complete those tasks myself. haha
It leaves my future hanging.
I don't know.

I also often realize that I can't quite differ my personas (masks in psychology, what you put on when you're with certain people) and my real self.
I don't know.

Other than this blurry future thing, I have another thing that bugs me.
Sometimes, I get this jealousy of watching other people's success that shows that they are better than me. It happens even towards my closest friends. Especially when I already trusted myself that I'm better in that thing. When they actually did it better, I would lose my self-efficacy.
I think I expected myself too high. And seeing others too low.

I should start to draw a certain line or two for the future.
At least I need to start moving towards it, not running aimlessly like this.

How can you turn into someone you never wanted to be? How can you hate a monster so much but slowly turning into it without even realizing?

February had been a busy month, I could rarely spend my time laying down without being chased by deadlines. The new semester has been challenging and surely one level above, especially since I took many as many classes as I could take. It's tiring that I had so many things to do with so little time. What's more is that my house is 40 mins away from the campus. So it had been taking 80 mins of my everyday on the road, if not more because of the traffic. It's making me lose my sleep hours and therefore my healthy daily mood.
BUT!
I've been staying in my friend's apartment in the past 3 weeks. Only for certain days only, but it's quite neat. And next week I'll be moving to my new rented apartment on the rear side of the campus with a friend. :) What I should think about is how I manage my money, my time; for myself, for university, and for FAMILY.

So about my resolutions in 2013, it's still not going quite well. I'm still having hard times being this rebel. But I did make progress in fighting my guilt. It leads me to be bolder than ever. It should keep going, but I'm afraid that it'd make a thin line between bold and cocky.

February's been a long and winding month. So tiring and hectic. I hope March gets smoother although it's actually gonna be on contrary. haha.

I need some long break from everything.