I guess humans have their own reasons for their behavior. And now I think I'm starting to learn mine.
How I always try to pursue achievements, fame, and everyone's attention. I try to make people see me just to make sure I won't be left out like I was 7 years ago when people made fun of me, forgot me, and made me feel like I'm nothing but alone my personal fable. I remember how I thought I was that cool and special kid but then it turned out otherwise. How I always did horrible at sports that it scared me every time I have to do it because I didn't want them to laugh. How I thought I couldn't do anything good and didn't have anything to impress. Those were the things that make me who I am today. An achievement-pursuer.

These achievements that I pursue, whether it's organizational, dance, networks, anything; I assume that unconsciously  I do these things to make people actually realize that I'm there. That I'm not nothing. That they can't make fun of me again. Everyone has to recognize that I'm there and I'm something. Consider this a revenge. And I don't know why, it never feels enough.

Let me tell you a bit about me. Things have changed. I have a lot of people that I can call friend, close friend, or good friend. I don't have to be afraid that I will be made fun of again, 'cause I have them to back me up and support me. I don't have to be afraid that they forgot me, 'cause there will always be another who would accept me, if I'm not wrong. I don't have to be afraid that they call me pussy as I am horrible in sports, 'cause I can dance well and that's more than enough as a talent, and I know that humans are given different capabilities. I don't have to be afraid that I will feel nothing as I know I have things to be proud of. But then again, I feel that I'm missing something I don't know, something I need to complete this.

 I doubt so much it's a relationship, as I'm on the run for achievements. Even if it is, I'm not ready. I don't want to. I know I will hurt. Because of the pursuit, and because of the vampirism. I'm not sure that I'm fully cured, and I don't want to move to the right one doubting like this. I don't want to hurt. Isn't it better not stepping at all, just for now?

This pursuit, sometimes it tires me so much. Sometimes, I even feel like I'm taking things that I'm actually not capable of. And people are OK with that, not realizing that I'm actually good in talks and not in acts. I get tired of myself. But then again, I'm still running.

As you realize, this blog has turned to journal more than inspiration. I don't feel like I should be inspiring someone inside this contemplation I am in. I really need some clarity on myself..