Reinhard Gouw's Journal

I'm finding things that are not for me to find. I analyze things, just with the small bits I see. And it turns out to be a right guess most of the time.

School's started again. It's just the first day, and I'm stressed out of the coming schedules. I'm afraid I won't advance to the next class, looking at my poor math, and the chemical which is getting crazier. I really regretted that I chose science class. I should've chosen social class, where there are geography and sociology which are my favorites. One of the worst decision I made in my life.

There's school, and there's dance projects. There are many upcoming dance rehearsals for me, and I'm so glad. Practicing hard for the competitions, jobs, shows, etc. But I'm kinda worried about "the year's big project". I just don't feel like it. But it's upcoming, I need to focus on it too. I'm still kinda distracted and caught up for the regular competitions.. Good thing I'm not handling the project myself, but it's still worrying me that I'm not the one who's taking control. That's my bad, thinking that everything should be done by me.

Yesterday, the night held so much nostalgia. Me and my ex were storytelling about the past, how funny we were. Those are such beautiful times, the times when I was still innocent and young. Then after the nostalgic chatter, someone texted me and it's unidentified in my phone. And guess what, it turned out to be one of the person in "the past". Yes, "3rd". I was astonished and I didn't reply. Then that person asked for prayers for the work.. And I finally replied. Then when it comes to calling, I refused to. There were actually no reason for me to not answer, but I'm just being fair to 2nd. I said I won't contact, then I won't. Actually replying the message was wrong, but how could I ignore a message from someone I always considered as my sibling, asking for support and prayer? I felt pity, no, it's not just pity. I know that being alone there isn't fun at all, I know that you need support and real friends like you said. The bad thing is that I promised to be a real friend who will be accompanying you, but now I left and forgot that. I'm sorry for acting so cold and being not fair to you, that I decided to lose contact with you only to be fair to someone I want to forget. And I wonder, why is it always like this? I'm always the ego maniac, and I always break promises.. Every choice that I made seems not fair for everyone, ironically when I think I'm being fair. It's super complicated for me, and I really don't know what to do. What's more ironic here is, when I don't know what to do back there, I used to ask to both of you for decisions. I'm standing alone right now. Well, not alone, there's Him. But I'm being independent in every way now. I'm sorry. I really wanna give you support always, but it can't happen right now. The only thing that I can do is to always pray for you. Just so you know, I care for you and I never lied about that. So much sorries I wanna say to you.

It's really painful when words can't be let out.

I'm fighting with myself today. I didn't get enough sleep, I'm stressed out of school, there's a problem in my team, fighting with my feelings, having a huge dilemma about the past, fighting the urges to have automatic bad thoughts.. The word I said, the promises I made, the decisions I took in the past are blaming me right now. And I feel so guilty about all of it.. I'm the suspect here and it hurts to realize that. Such a wave..

Hey, how do you do?
It's been a long time since 14. And really, a lot has changed since. The way I feel about you made progress, I get more chances to move on. Time will help the progress. Relax, I won't give up fighting a thing called "love". It's been some kinda enemy to me like you know. haha
You know, things are better here. I kinda have much works to do, and i enjoy it. Well, sometimes it kinda bores me and I get too lazy to do it. But really, I'm grateful with these dance works. One of the rehearsal will lead me into meeting you soon. It'll be awkward but I'll try my best to act properly. It's a business matter. I acted so cold but it's actually how it should be. Friends, not more. I hope it will go as expected.
I kinda wonder sometimes, where you are, what do you do daily, what's buzzing your head, what changed for you. For me, there's so much changes that I actually kinda want you to see. I'm not that kid again. That childish kid who always acted so childishly, ego-maniac, and stupid and hurted you many times. I've been thoughtful about life, personality, and things. (Well, sometimes it stresses me to be so thoughtful. When it's too deep, the crazy me shows up. haha) It's always awkward to remember what and how I was back then. I acted so stupidly most of the time, I lived for myself. haha Now what I wanna do is live for other people and focus on the future. I think I'm growing up. Much of my personalities have changed. I think you'd get astonished if we're able to have some time to talk. I'm really not who I was.
I've been learning and chasing self control. Someday, I wanna be an inspiration to people. What I do, in front of them or when I'm alone should always be right. I fall sometimes but He always gives me the reason to get back up. And sometimes you could be an obstacle for me. haha But what happened really helped me. The fact that you were there. It really builds me to be strong, to live independently, to be mature, and to be able to move on. Like what I said, it maybe a mistake, but God put you there for a purpose. It's for me to learn so much. And I thank you that you were actually there.
I hope that you're doing good there, and everything goes nicely for you. I hope your days are always great and nothing goes to waste. Just so you know, I care for you. Always seek for Him and live right. I want all the best for you and I'll keep praying for you. Words aren't happening for us, but prayer will always happen. Looking forward to the day where we'll be able to do real talk again
Always wishing all the best for your life. Let's move on!

Sincerely, that kid.

I'm a deep thinker. But sometimes deep thinking just gets handful for me. I'm tired of thinking too much.

I broke promises to myself, to Him, again. I'm a cunt.

When I THINK of it, if I left the past to be able to be a right guy, why do I keep doing the other bad things? Won't the end be the same? So why don't I just go back or anywhere I like?
I know I don't want it to be like that. But when it's thought logically, that's what I find.

So why am I such a jerk?
First, all the external problems from people around. The ones I know, the ones I don't.
Then, stressed outta projects.
Stressed outta myself. Outta my personality and everything.
Then stressed outta what I did.
I'm tired of living like this.

I really wanna start my life from the beginning, the very beginning.
Just like I like things anew, I really want my life new..
I'm already messed up.
Well, I hope not.
I hope it's just me being crazy tonight.
I hope things will get better as I woke up tomorrow.

I really don't wanna talk much. Really, for now.
I'm sorry.

Everyone has their own problems. When one problem is gone, the others come, feels like they just keep coming. When will they stop? Now I'm free from the past thingy. But now, I'm having this personality problem, the relationships problem, the friends problem. Problems are just always in store. It got me thinking, when will I ever stop and rest for awhile? But then I get this idea, maybe they're just there to keep me busy. It will be bad if people get in a comfort zone for too long. They will be weaker and weaker and vulnerable to bad things as they try to hold the comfort zone. Problem helps keeping us busy. As they hit our life, we might go stronger and maturer depending on our reaction to it. No problem: No process. At least the problem isn't always that big. Just like a game. No obstacle, no level up! Sometimes you only have to face little ones, and you'll know it's an actually one nice condition. But greater problems are sometimes needed to level up harder, and we should be grateful for these level booster. When it's all over, we'll love this time when we share those bits to other people. :)

One of my baddest problem is with this guy who always insults me in any way. The way I choose things, what I do, small things like my hairstyle, and things. And I can't really stand the way he talks and humor other people. Sometimes I see my pals got hurt by what he said, and I kinda feel it too sometimes. He loves to pop the word that brings those bad times up, back when I was still a mid schooler, the school guys bullied me with that word. It's my scary times, and that word is traumatic if you mean it.What's bad is, he's one of my closest buddies. Well, not that close actually as I see it. But something bonded us. And this condition kinda boils me. It's like it's trying to bring this evil side of me up. I don't want it to happen. Yes, I was pissed about the way he says things, and honestly kinda pissed of the way people always compare us. It downgraded me most of the time when I hear those comparisons. I really don't wanna feel any jealousy or anger or bad to say, hatred to you. Yes, I hate being compared to you, who doesn't? But please, don't give some fire to the wood. Hope I can tell you these things when the moment is right.

In other side, I got inspired to inspire by these people. William Kanadi, Ong Xavier, Tiffany William, Brian Adam. Their quotes are like amazing. I should read psychology books and more. We should be like them, inspire people with what we got. If we don't what does our life means?
Well the main quote in my life is "The purpose of living is to inspire." It's my purpose of living. I don't wanna die unknown, without anything good I left. When I die, I want people to remember me as someone blessing and inspiring, not for fame or anything, but I wanna work together with everyone to a better person, always. And God will be the line. I hope I'll never say false things and mislead people. Everyone should always inspire and be inspired.

For the DBL Project, I'm loving the work now. I will do my best for this school. Last year we broke through Big Five, and it was an amazing experience. This year, I really wanna bring those passions alive again. Bring up those love! We will do the best for Petra 5. I believe, together we can achieve much better if we really invent our energy, time and devotions. Let's give a great performance this year! For Petra 5!


Pictures from last year...

Guys, I changed this blog's URL. Now it's http://iamreinhard.blogspot.com. So you can't find me by 'pieceofscribbles' anymore. Besides, 'scribbles' is just somewhat hard to type. 'iamreinhard' sounds more sophisticated, right? It kinda shows you like, "Hello this is me, you won't find any like me". lol. Namaste.

Last week's Friday, we went to Garry's for a slumber night. Shopping, BBQ, fries, midnight horror movies. It's fun :)















Along the night the girls were frightened by real ghost stories around. In fact, me and the guys enjoyed it. It added thrill to our night, and it's fun. 

I'm free from the mid-semester test week! But seeing the DBL project and Easter Event ahead, I'm not free. Got so much to work on, I hope I can fight my laziness away! hoorah! I need so much inspirations into this. I'm going to give my whole devotion to the project. Maybe I'll get caught up in DBL more than the Easter, but whenever I get time, I will try to help as much as I can. It's a project for God, and I won't wanna back down. :)

The day before yesterday I opened a link that I saved earlier. It's an article of drawings of a Korean artist that was brought to hell in a vision, and told by God to paint the visions there. It's quite scary, you can check it here: Gambar Neraka dari Pelukis Korea (It's bilingual, English and Bahasa). There, shown that the punishments for every kinds of sin is different. And there's many of my bad habit there. Especially the mind and feeling problem.

Mind is vulnerable. It's full of thoughts, and often comes automatically. Sometimes we can't seem to control our mind, that it just picks off random things to be thought. It's extremely wild as we know it. How can we control such thing as automatic bad thoughts? It maybe hard, but let's believe that it's controllable if we keep trying to distract it with something else. I usually just shake head right and left like something bugs and try to do something. haha.. The other thing is feeling, and wow. It's as wild as mind. When you're alone, feelings can really slip into your heart, little by little. From the past, from your imagination. Some are forbidden feelings that you're not allowed to feel. Mind and feeling you are not allowed to feel. The 2 big enemies inside you.

Why is it a great enemy? Because it's the boss of every single action you do. What you say or do comes from your mind and heart, even when you don't realize. So to defeat your bad sides, you have to defeat this dark side of mind and feelings inside you.. Don't let them flirt with you to the comfort zone. It's easy to fall when you're in a comfort zone. As human, we may not be strong enough to reject those temptations, but when we feel so, we can always remember that we have God. We know we have to leave those things as they're always bitter inside. Only God has the purest sweetness, He won't let you down. When the time comes, it will all be beautiful. All sufferings will worth it when we hit the finish line. :)

A week of science-related-mid-semester-test will end tomorrow. Heaven yeah! I think I passed the biology and chemical well, but the physics was messed up. I didn't study properly. I'm gonna work on the math to be nice. Then tomorrow after school I'm going to have a slumber party at Garry's house. Booyah! Let's have fun!

On Saturday, after I went home from Evelyn's Party, there's a short conference call with PD Team. There, Stevi shared about great thing that really changed my day. It's about this year, 2011. 2011 IS A YEAR OF DREAM GRANTING. Wishes will be granted, and targets will be achieved. That happens because it's the beginning of the season. A season is 10 years. Since it's 201(1), it's the start of the next 10 years. Our steps here will determine where will we be in the next years. So watch your steps from now on!
Really, I was blessed. I don't wanna do anything reckless anymore.

These days, I get those personality disorder again. Well not as bad as the previous, but a little. The problem's similiar, about my calm and loud side, and how I should act more gentle. When I joke a lot and off the line, I could get pissed of myself. Weird, huh.
Not just this personality disorder, I've been in trouble with some friends. In a night, I was pissed with my friend because he said bad things about me, and it's not the first time. I always consider him as my brother, but his mouth always piss me off. And I'm in the line between family and hatred. Gee, I shouldn't say hatred, but obviously an un-liking. Then there's this friend of mine, who I was calling with before this matter. And we discussed about a project. It's not a very nice talk since there's a misunderstanding. In the morning, I was still pissed with my friend who insulted me and I tweeted some words. Then the other one just thought it's a tweet about last night's call! Another misunderstanding. Damn, that was a bad day.
And now, the dilemma I'm always in. The past. Today, there seems to be an assault attack for me thanks to the past. 2 persons from the past just tried to crawl into my life again. The one invited my BBM contact, and the other one just texted me, asking for reasons why I left. The end of the message was: "At least give me an explanation.". And I got caught in this situation, should I reply or not? And I didn't reply. The past is my comfort zone, but I have to move on. If I stay, I doubt I will step much forward.

These days too, I've been getting memories about childhood. They're funny and crazy. haha.. And I contacted my old best friend, Jeco. Wow, we should get along again. :)

Today my friend, Hana (One of my closest classmate) told me the story about a popular Facebook status story, it's about a Malaysian guy who committed suicide after posting a status on Facebook. The case became popular since it's a tragic love story. It actually happened just about 3 months ago in December. (WOW, this year sure is super fast.) And I did some research on it. As Hana say, he kinda look like Vic Chou..(which is not important, at all).
Read the story here:
PRIA INI UPDATE STATUS FACEBOOK SEBELUM BUNUH DIRI (in Bahasa)
Facebook Suicide Note of Alviss Kong (in English)

Yes, you can see pictures of him there; He. Cried. I feel pity about him, that he lost his life because of this thing again, LOVE. Yes, love is sacrifice. But what he did is not a sacrifice. He only felt too much pity on himself, and suicide happened. Why didn't he think deeply first before doing it? He will only burden his ex, which is not a sacrifice but literally a revenge. Now, people are hating her and accuses her for his death. What happens everytime she walks in the street now? Won't people knowing the case say bad things? I feel sorry for the girl, Binlui. Well, for both of them. Alvis, he must really loved his girlfriend. But this happens to melancholy people when they're hurted too deep. But we don't know the case for sure. I mean, we don't really know them well, so we can't say we know the whole story. It's their love story. People shouldn't blame her too much, she's just a girl. (Yeah, she's cute but that's not the whole reason I protect her. lol) Well, it's just another misunderstanding in a love story.. And "forever" is not as long as it used to be.
I read Alvis's frens blog. Alvis was such a good friend for them, and they felt a great loss. From what they pictured, Alvis must be a great entertainer in the group. You can read them here:
Mayc Cheah's
Penny Yiing's

Well, overall this is the summary of his story.
The Alvis Kong Tragedy

One of people's thoughts that's similiar to mine:
"This is particularly depressing for me given that Alviss is quite likely someone I have probably met or seen while clubbing. Someone that I have 15 mutual friends with on Facebook. And he’s a blogger. A girl in my Facebook list wrote on her wall about how she was very happy to have been his friend, as she used to club with him and he always had a “cute plaster” on his face, and spend late nights talking on the phone with him and sharing secrets. It’s especially sad knowing that Alviss was a fashionable, good looking guy, had lots of friends and people to talk to (judging from his pics, Facebook profile and blog posts) - but still chose to commit suicide."

Yeah, Alvis. You had everything and only one thing called love made you end everything. Love is not everything in this world.. You should live longer and get a better one. You've gone and it's not a good end.. May you rest in peace, Alvis Kong.