I'm finding things that are not for me to find. I analyze things, just with the small bits I see. And it turns out to be a right guess most of the time.

School's started again. It's just the first day, and I'm stressed out of the coming schedules. I'm afraid I won't advance to the next class, looking at my poor math, and the chemical which is getting crazier. I really regretted that I chose science class. I should've chosen social class, where there are geography and sociology which are my favorites. One of the worst decision I made in my life.

There's school, and there's dance projects. There are many upcoming dance rehearsals for me, and I'm so glad. Practicing hard for the competitions, jobs, shows, etc. But I'm kinda worried about "the year's big project". I just don't feel like it. But it's upcoming, I need to focus on it too. I'm still kinda distracted and caught up for the regular competitions.. Good thing I'm not handling the project myself, but it's still worrying me that I'm not the one who's taking control. That's my bad, thinking that everything should be done by me.

Yesterday, the night held so much nostalgia. Me and my ex were storytelling about the past, how funny we were. Those are such beautiful times, the times when I was still innocent and young. Then after the nostalgic chatter, someone texted me and it's unidentified in my phone. And guess what, it turned out to be one of the person in "the past". Yes, "3rd". I was astonished and I didn't reply. Then that person asked for prayers for the work.. And I finally replied. Then when it comes to calling, I refused to. There were actually no reason for me to not answer, but I'm just being fair to 2nd. I said I won't contact, then I won't. Actually replying the message was wrong, but how could I ignore a message from someone I always considered as my sibling, asking for support and prayer? I felt pity, no, it's not just pity. I know that being alone there isn't fun at all, I know that you need support and real friends like you said. The bad thing is that I promised to be a real friend who will be accompanying you, but now I left and forgot that. I'm sorry for acting so cold and being not fair to you, that I decided to lose contact with you only to be fair to someone I want to forget. And I wonder, why is it always like this? I'm always the ego maniac, and I always break promises.. Every choice that I made seems not fair for everyone, ironically when I think I'm being fair. It's super complicated for me, and I really don't know what to do. What's more ironic here is, when I don't know what to do back there, I used to ask to both of you for decisions. I'm standing alone right now. Well, not alone, there's Him. But I'm being independent in every way now. I'm sorry. I really wanna give you support always, but it can't happen right now. The only thing that I can do is to always pray for you. Just so you know, I care for you and I never lied about that. So much sorries I wanna say to you.

It's really painful when words can't be let out.

I'm fighting with myself today. I didn't get enough sleep, I'm stressed out of school, there's a problem in my team, fighting with my feelings, having a huge dilemma about the past, fighting the urges to have automatic bad thoughts.. The word I said, the promises I made, the decisions I took in the past are blaming me right now. And I feel so guilty about all of it.. I'm the suspect here and it hurts to realize that. Such a wave..