Reinhard Gouw's Journal

I finally have the reason to officially announce that I am moving away soon.

We made the payment. In around 2,5 months, precisely in mid February, I will pursue my further study in Melbourne, Australia. It's been the plan since I was still working on my final thesis in UC, and finally it's just around the corner.

I will be studying Communications and Media Studies in Monash University. It's going to be a pressure because other than the global rank, it took quite the expense; and I promise I will work really hard to repay my parents later when I graduate and have a decent career.

Acknowledging that, I assume it will change a lot of things. I might not be able to dance as much as I have been doing in the past 9 years. Dance has always been a huge part of my life. It turned my life around from being friendless and bullied to this bold guy (at least that's how I like to see myself). Dance was the beginning of my confidence, my energy, my friends, my self-branding, and overall, my life. Thus, all this time I've never know how it would be like if I take dance out of the picture. It is scary and truly gives me the anxiety. A part of me is scared of going back to the old Reinhard before he found dance.

Not only that, it will be the first time I live somewhere else on my own in this 24 years of living. Many have experienced it earlier and it intimidates me. I wonder if I will survive financially. I wonder if I will find good companions. I wonder if I will thrive and be "someone" and really do "something" there. I don't want my life to be mediocre after moving. Because my life here, even though I take for granted sometimes, have been nothing short of amazing and magical.

I am blessed to have a good and growing dance life. Chances to excel and thrive. A reputable dance community to grow in. A house and a family to go home to. I have Ipin. Ste. Jay. Cebing. Who I can look for any day when things go either right or wrong. I have some of the greatest and supportive best friends I could ever ask for. Samantha. Abel. And many more.

What awaits in Melbourne is still blurry for me.

Waking up in another city in another country with no best friends and family. With the need to strategize to survive. With the pressure to thrive and excel and build my own life. With thousands of uncertainty.

I guess it is time for me to finally face "real life".

Wednesday, September 12th 2018 |

Hello. I'm officially 24 as per yesterday.

I expected nothing much out of this year, because as much as I'd hate to admit it, we all say "just another year, another birthday". But that's why I decided to change it.

I decided to dare myself to do something I've been reluctant to do.

First of all, thank you for all the wishes put on LINE, Instagram DM, and even a lot of friends posted photos of me with their kind and thoughtful wishes. I am forever grateful. Grateful to know that my presence in this world somehow becomes a positive variable for you to share in socmed. It means a lot to me. It brightens my day. Behind all that positivity, there's something that's stuck in my unconscious. "Will they still see me the same way?"

It's a pity to almost always feel like people don't completely understand you. Especially when they're your closest people. To feel that "best friends" doesn't always go mutually because there are a certain part of you that you can't share. Some people regard me as what you call that: best friend, or close friend, or brother and yeah, as a social being, I comply with the scenario. But deep down, I know I can't feel the same way. You don't know me. How can I think of you that way?

But living for 24 years, with all the character progression that I've been through. Acceptance from my mom and sister, from a lot of friends since the beginning of the year. And the fact that I'm planning to move overseas soon. I decided, no more. No more leaving my close friends in the dark. No more letting them think I feel the same way about them when I don't. They deserve to know. And if they can't accept it, then it is what it is. Because just as they say, those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.

And it goes the same to you who's reading this.

You're gonna know something about me that only a few valuable people in my life know. And if you're open enough to accept it, then we're all smiles. If you can't accept it or thinking about changing this part of me, just don't even bother. Believe me, I've been through that phase way longer than you think you will go through. Through dark pits and hell. Long enough to finally embrace it and find a way to love myself.

I have two good friends. One of them I've been good friend with for 8 years. Another one for 2 years, and we hang out a lot. They're as straight as ruler.  (oh hey, welcome to the club now :) ) Sometimes they would make these homophobic jokes, which I usually make no response of. They never know, but they used to hurt me at first (your best friends, making jokes about your identity. how kind of them). But hey, growing up in this conservative society with wicked media representation of who you are just turns you into a steel, right. But that gave me this fear of letting them know this part of me.

I always hit myself with all sorts of questions like

- how will they react?

- will they see me the same way?

- will they start to avoid me?

- will they be scared of me because that's how the media suggest them to?

- will they perform an exorcism on me because I'm just a devil incarnate?

all these questions, made me decide to just leave them in the dark. I thought it's better not to let them know. What's the need to let them know anyway? Let's just play the daily scenarios and we'll be fine. But no. I start thinking of a bigger cause: I want my closest friends to know who I am, see for themselves how I'm the same person they know all along, and decide whatever the fuck they're going to decide. And moreover, the chance of letting them know the truth about us: we're humans like you. We're not that thoughtless, lustful, emotionally unstable being you see represented on the media.

At least if my good friends get to know me more as a person, as a human, as their good friend.

I hope they can stand for me and people like me.

From this brutal, hateful, judgemental society who deprive people of their life choices for the sake of their own versions of "rightgeousness".

All those thoughts, and there I did. I told them about my sexuality. How I've been afraid to tell them. How it feels bad to not be able to think of them as best friends just as they do. How the media and the "divine" community created that inhuman image of us. And how now I feel glad I can feel accepted for who I am.

"You're still my brother."

Those words were one of the most meaningful words I've ever heard in my life. They accepted me for who I am, just like the people before them. But what made it more meaningful was that, as a full-pledged heterosexuals (who I consider not open at first) they decided not to look at me the way the media looks at me, but the same way they see me all this time. Thank you Yoko, thank you Jay. You two made my birthday.

And by officially coming out in my blog, I want to say thank you all the people that accepted me for who I am. That are open enough to let me be brave and tell you who I am. I can never thank you enough. You made my world a better place, a liveable place to live in. You gave me hope. Happiness. And gratitude words can never fathom.

To Mom. To my sister. To Lia. Samantha. Joditha. Ipin. Inez. Abel. Indira. Gaboy. Suryadi. Bayu. Donna. Ste. Atin. Andrian. Reivaldi. Silpong. Zendy. Bon. Lim. Levi. Ko Leo. Eric Theddy. Beta. Risandy. Sylvia. Edog. Myra. Peter. Silvi. Hanol. Pak Andrian Liem. Dela. Kevin. Gilbert. Tara. Danny. Caroline. Feli. Marbel. Opel. And many more.

I hope life gives you happiness in your journey throughout.

Monday, April 16th 2018 |

They may seem like a regular couple. But what intrigued me was the fact that Chella Man is actually a trans male. Honestly, I've never known any trans male before, only trans female. And it surprised me since Chella had these super masculine features. His physical build, his voice, his gestures, everything is just 100% male that I didn't realize his gender until my friend told me the fact.

Little Chella has always been dysphoric about her gender and her body since she was only a kid. His mom explained it too well in a letter to Chella that Chella asked her to write. If you are homophobic or transphobic, try and cure yourself with this video. This video mesmerized me. How great the amount of love a mother can contain. We'll never know.

From the letter we can understand the struggles of him through his journey and his mom. How painful a gender dysphoria can be for someone and their family. How beautiful her love throughout that journey. Just..wow. Look how happy he is with his body now. :)

Sometimes being open minded can make you seem like you have double standard. Or worse, two-faced.

This past few months, some of my closest friends who are couples were hitting rough path in their relationship. Being an open mind that I am, I try to be neutral. For me, no one is completely right nor completely wrong. No one is the bad side and none is the good side. I don't really fancy that game. And even if, it is 99% someone's fault. I don't side with the other one. I don't choose sides. Yes, I might support the other one to take action and save themselves, but no. I never side with anyone. At least not when it doesn't come to abuse or harm.

To sum it up, personally for me my close friends' relationship is only a part of their life, and they are in complete control of it. I never see my friend as "their relationship". People just have their own ways of handling relationship and that means their relationship doesn't define them. So yes, even when I loathe someone's attitude in a relationship, I never loathe them as a human, moreover when it comes to the people close to me. So yes, I would still be close with everyone even though I don't support their relationship.

Apparently. In the midst of these relationship dramas (yes, there are more than one couple :) ) I'm standing between, there's a party who started thinking that I'm two-faced and actually siding with their partner. And started shitting on me with avoidance, cold shoulders and stuffs. At first, I tried to think positively, that it was just a bad day. But this person kept doing it after a few days.

At times, I thought I should reflect and be bolder with the sides I was on. But no, I don't wanna be that person. I am bold enough with my gray area. I won't be black or white just because someone wants me to. And if losing a good friend was the risk of it then so be it. It just means that they aren't grown enough to deal with the complexity of social relations. That's it. I don't wanna have to ask for friendship. If you can't afford it, then begone. 

It's been a long time since I wrote about friendship. haha. But I feel like I just want to let it out because it's been bugging me. The way people behave are just weird.

Today I had a nice talk with someone. We talked about a lot of things. Religion, society, human, the purpose of living, god.

Some points of the talk depressed me. We agreed that the world is an unfair place. Because some people just experienced horrible things that no one should have ever experienced. Like the explosion of firecracker factory case last year which killed people. That incarceration of a family in a toilet which led to five survivors watching their family members dying one by one. Or even The Holocaust by NAZI which ended six million innocent Jews lives, or that 1998 tragedy in Indonesia where a lot of tiong hoa families have to witness their own family members getting raped, killed, and mutilated. And thousands of other (I don't know any worse words to correctly describe it) bloodcurdling things that happened in this world.

Then he popped some questions. Where is God (if there's any), in these times? Why is God silent when people cried out in their excruciating pain? Being a God, an omnipotent being, it must've been easy to appear anywhere and save thousands of people in just a snap. Why not doing that?

For me, those questions make sense. Just WHY?

I remembered one of my teacher who is also a counselor told me a story. About a gay student who admitted being gay because of sexual abuse by his colleagues. He was anally raped. Then being a conventional Christian with conventional views about sexual orientation, she always encouraged this student to try and be straight, just to comply with (what she believes) as Christian commandments. He then answered with a question. "Why? Where was God when I screamed for Him (he was also a Christian) when I was raped?". My teacher could not answer a single thing.

The point was not about the fact that some gay dudes raped him (like some straight guys do to girls) or about his sexual orientation or conventional Christian views. (Trust me, I am so familiar of different sexual orientations). It's about that question. WHY? Why does God let such horrifying things happen to people who even cried out and begged Him to spare their lives? It's unjust. And seems very (bluntly speaking), cruel.

It seemed as we are nothing. Nothing significant. Nothing of importance. Then our talk continued to existential perspective. Just then, what is the purpose of living? Because for him (and also evolutionary speaking), we live just simply to die. Like flies who have short lives, or chicken and other meat which in the end only serves as human meal.

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I am sorry if what I shared above sound depressing to you. To be honest, it was also depressing for me. Those questions left me in silence. And also sadness. He got some points. And most of them are undeniable. It just seems to appear that we are a mortal human being, who will one day become dust in the wind, and also only a forgotten name in the long history of world. And if only the concept of god (who is also believed as the creator who gives meaning and purpose) is real, why does god let horrifying things happen? It just added more gap to the meaning of life.

Being as clueless as I am, and maybe as everyone else in this world about this question; deep inside, I only know one thing.

"I will never find the answer in my lifetime."

This sounds like the dumbest answer that I can give to myself. But somehow it makes sense, and it works. At least for me. Those are questions that most likely everyone in this world won't be able to answer. Just like all the theories and concepts, including religions, in this world, humans only can go as far as hunching, giving opinion based on humanly logic and facts, or formally researching and testing theories. Which are also bound by a lot of variables like time, place, situations. 

As much as Meaning is one of my main values in life, I prefer to set aside this whole backend of world and how life works. Because I know I won't have the answer. Maybe I will, in death. But as long as I live, it will always be a question. Each one of us is living in this world with a bet. If you're a believer in the afterlife like me, no one will know whether we're doing this life right or wrong. We simply (and also complexly) believe what we believe and do our best in it.

A good friend of mine believe in Christianity. She goes to church every Sunday, and that's the way she knows to be a good human. Another is an Arabic descend who believes in Islam. He believes he's being a good human and will be rewarded when he complies with Islamic customs like doing 5 daily prayers. Another one is an Atheist. He believes he is a good human when he shares kindness to other creatures and help them find their wellbeing. And that's just as beautiful.

Who is doing life the right way? The Christian? The Moslem? The Atheist?

NO ONE. FUCKING. KNOWS.

You might believe it's the Christian because you are one. Or The Moslem. Or maybe The Atheist. But we, everyone of us will only really, genuinely, completely, truthfully know the answer when our race ends.

And the paragraph above serves as a bridge to my thought that it is already so heavy. This one burden that we have in our backs of "doing life the right way" is more than enough for us to deal with. To answer that question about why God can seem so ignorant, or why chickens exist only to die and fill our stomach? We will never know. It's an unfair world. And the universe (or "God" if you'd prefer ) is too huge, too transcend for us to comprehend. At least in our lifetime.

I respect my friend for having that thought. Maybe his level of Meaning as a value is way above mine. And I love him for tingling my mind up about this. It gives me more understanding of humanity, him, and myself more. But as for myself, practically speaking, I don't see any points to give meaning to those questions. Not even have a thought of it. Because it would be pointless without possibility of having an answer. I can hate life, feel disappointed of it, or be depressed, or feel small and vulnerable in this crazy universe because of it, but I choose the other way around.

*I'm literally shedding tears when typing this*

I choose to love Life. I choose to put my trust in it.

And whether Life for you or me is The Universe, or God, or anything that you believe in; I choose to believe that everything that happens in this world whether heavenly good, or dreadfully bad, serves as a meaningful purpose (for whatever or whoever that is) that we may never understand. And I prefer to just focus on being good human in the way that I believe, just as I (personally) believe all of you, my friend should do with your own beliefs.

And this way, I believe I (and maybe you) can feel better. Free of unimportant burdens. Stop questioning. It's Life. It's unfair. But it can also be beautiful. Embrace it, don't fight it. There are beautiful feelings that we might be able to reap in this way of thinking, like joy, happiness, gratitude, content, calm, and maybe if we're lucky:

Peace.

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Hit me up with thoughts if you have them will you?

If I can record all of our phone calls and turn them into candies, I would. So whenever I feel dry and crave you, I will simply take them to comfort me.

We are silly lovebirds. We are two souls carrying freshly plucked feelings, always longing for each other. Ridiculously missing right after meeting each other. Wanting to always be around each other. Constantly worried about each other. It's this childish insecure feeling that haunts us even when our brains know better. It's this forever brimming desire of these skins to touch.

You're my home. You feel like a shoulder to lean on. You feel like a good conversation. You feel like humanity, insane jokes, galaxy, good music taste, social studies, sex talk, travel plans, everything all at once. Everything that connects my mind and yours.  You feel like safety, and I'm starting to blind myself from all the risks. I'm starting to fall even deeper for you. Never thought of these much what ifs and maybes, these glimpses of hope for beautiful days together. Where we don't have to wait so long for the week to pass by. Where we lay down side by side every night, passing warmth. Where we build our lives and stay hand-in-hand, walking through, conquering hardships.

And despite all the past lessons I've learned the hard way, I'm letting myself trust. I'm letting myself be vulnerable. Enough for you to devour me. As whole as I'd like to devour you. For you to cut me open. And  find my eyes starting to linger as I let you see my flesh. Dipping. Sinking in warmth. Indulging these drops of happiness and gratitude.

What did I do to deserve you?

More than 730 days. Wow, that's longer than I've ever imagined it would be. We started off in a rough place. And as not okay as that was for me, we stepped into it anyway. We believed things will be better and crossed our fingers with these quotes:

"We cannot start over, but we can begin now, and make a new ending."

Then, the 730 days were full of everything. Excitements, adventures, travel, joy, thrill, fear, anger, rage, surprise, sadness, reflections, problem solvings, team work, changes for the better, and thousands of other things that merges into this one package.

I just want to thank you for accepting me for who I am. For coping with me. My rage. For being there through those times. For letting yourself fall completely. For the energy. For the time. For the abundant effort. For making those characters come to live. For making me feel comfortable. For making me feel enough. For being my home. For making me feel loved. For making me feel abandoned. For making me feel valuable. For making me feel worthless. For diving deep into me. And letting me dive deep into you.  Thank you for being a burst of millions of emotions and experience that words won't be able to explain.

I am sorry for being emotional. For not being able to provide. For not being able to guide you better.  For pushing away. For cursing. For insulting. For not being enough. For thinking you're not enough. For taking for granted. For denying. For forgetting. For procrastinating. For taking easy. For those tears. And fear. And all those sorrows. For coming out the other end being someone you don't wanna be.

I only hope that you enjoyed all the good times, and slowly forget all the bad. As much as we'd like to resent it now, we can't deny that it's beautiful. 'Cause when I look back? All that I can say is wow..just wow. Look at everything we've been through. Witnessed by those chocolate ice cones and those stickers. Thank you will never be enough.

I wish you nothing but happiness and an even wonderful journey ahead. After all, you deserve to be loved the same way you love. Just as I do. Be happy, always.

N.

2 weeks of 2018 has passed. I've been trying to remain calm and relaxed on everything that I do. As a few of my friends reminded me to. So a week ago, we had an LMSC gathering, and there's this session where we have to write each other's  +ness, along with what can be improved. Many of my friends told me to be more "chill and relaxed". Surprisingly, there were also some notes on not being too hard on myself, not overthinking and stressing myself out.

So yeah, I guess I'm just starting to learn to take things more easily. Someone also said to me...

"not that it's bad or anything but i dont think its good to put such burden on yourself to always be constantly 'productive' "
(you know who you are :) )

So let's try to be more chill and relaxed now, shall we?

That's the more technical part.

In the bigger picture, I always think that I'm being way too relaxed on adulting. Many of my friends are going all asault on building their career. They already have long-term career plan and all. While I'm still struggling with deciding my next move for my future. Yes, I know, the bigger dream is still scholarship and all with everything falling into place afterwards, but what's the plan B? That's always the question.

Now, would you still tell me to relax and take things more easily?

If life is fair and good and all, I wouldn't think too much and just let things flow. Embrace whatever life throws at me. But no, I know very well that life isn't. It is cruel, it is a jungle, it is a maze where people around me are already preparing their best weapons to conquer and win.


Also, I came across this video last week. It is 9 minutes worth of watching for you in early 20s, just like me. Who are facing this challenge of adulting. If it doesn't inspire you, at least it's relatable. haha.
Also click on this, for extra encouragement.

On top of it all, I'm coming to accept that I'm still learning. To balance everything. Between planning, and letting things flow. Between passion and profession. Between work and life. 

Between being grateful, and staying hungry for more.

And it makes me feel calmer to think that it's just a part of my early adulthood. My adulting process. Because being a super-productive and achieving student back in my university life, when I step into the jungle of life I thought I had it all. The brain, the maturity. I thought I was already a full-developed adult. But no, life hit me with reality and all and now I realize that I'm still learning to be one. And it's only normal that I get confused time to time.

This thought makes me smile.

Because I know one day, looking back, I will smile. Knowing it's just a transition process in my long and happy life. Amen. Let's embrace the present more and stop worrying so much.

Other encouraging thing is that this afternoon, I shared to my sister that I feel like I'm not maximizing my potential. I was everything a few years ago in my university, like the whole campus knew me, people count on me, I was a valuable player in every committee and organizations. But now? I feel like I'm no one. My sister answered, "Just be patient, you will have your time. I too had my own confusion, then I just did what I could do. And look where it took me. Just be patient, and do what you can do."

I remembered accompanying my sister to her interviews in office buildings. 3 years ago after she graduated. She was applying here and there. And in an office lift, I thought to myself "I would never let myself work in an office building! Never." The idea of going to the same place everyday, with visually square interiors, behind a square office desk, scared me. Then she didn't. She started working freelance. Created her own clothingline. Suffering from constant financial loss. Failing. Here and there. That was her.

But she chose to take it easy and just keep doing what she can do.

In contrast, this morning she ranted about April schedule because there are 10+ clients booking her as stylist. She was a stylist for Ayang Kahiyang's Pre-Wedding shoot (Indonesia President's daughter). She appeared on national television twice just in the past 6 months. She has vast network of influencers, designers, stylist, and make up artists, which support her career even more. When you think of it..wow. Just wow. I'm a very proud brother.

07.11.17 The biggest pleasure of mine is to help my sister on her wedding day, which is making the bridesmaids dresses.Also thanks to this beautiful MUA @brushedbymerida @feliciamerida for making my sister and me looked beautiful on that day. Captured by @evansirawan

Sebuah kiriman dibagikan oleh Ribka Budiman O. Sugiharto (@ribkabudiman.o.s) pada 29 Nov 2017 jam 1:24 PST

Ribka Budiman.

From nothing to something.

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"You will have your time."

I will have my own time. Let's take it easy. But keep putting my effort to it.

Let's make it happen.


Hit me with any thoughts on Adulting, will you?
Let's talk and share. :)


*NOTE:
Extra TVD gifs to enhance the reading experience because I just miss TVD so much. It's one of the things that can remind me of some of the best moments in my life. :) Moving on!

Monday, January 1st 2018 |

Peace in the middle of storm.