Today I had a nice talk with someone. We talked about a lot of things. Religion, society, human, the purpose of living, god.

Some points of the talk depressed me. We agreed that the world is an unfair place. Because some people just experienced horrible things that no one should have ever experienced. Like the explosion of firecracker factory case last year which killed people. That incarceration of a family in a toilet which led to five survivors watching their family members dying one by one. Or even The Holocaust by NAZI which ended six million innocent Jews lives, or that 1998 tragedy in Indonesia where a lot of tiong hoa families have to witness their own family members getting raped, killed, and mutilated. And thousands of other (I don't know any worse words to correctly describe it) bloodcurdling things that happened in this world.

Then he popped some questions. Where is God (if there's any), in these times? Why is God silent when people cried out in their excruciating pain? Being a God, an omnipotent being, it must've been easy to appear anywhere and save thousands of people in just a snap. Why not doing that?

For me, those questions make sense. Just WHY?

I remembered one of my teacher who is also a counselor told me a story. About a gay student who admitted being gay because of sexual abuse by his colleagues. He was anally raped. Then being a conventional Christian with conventional views about sexual orientation, she always encouraged this student to try and be straight, just to comply with (what she believes) as Christian commandments. He then answered with a question. "Why? Where was God when I screamed for Him (he was also a Christian) when I was raped?". My teacher could not answer a single thing.

The point was not about the fact that some gay dudes raped him (like some straight guys do to girls) or about his sexual orientation or conventional Christian views. (Trust me, I am so familiar of different sexual orientations). It's about that question. WHY? Why does God let such horrifying things happen to people who even cried out and begged Him to spare their lives? It's unjust. And seems very (bluntly speaking), cruel.

It seemed as we are nothing. Nothing significant. Nothing of importance. Then our talk continued to existential perspective. Just then, what is the purpose of living? Because for him (and also evolutionary speaking), we live just simply to die. Like flies who have short lives, or chicken and other meat which in the end only serves as human meal.

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I am sorry if what I shared above sound depressing to you. To be honest, it was also depressing for me. Those questions left me in silence. And also sadness. He got some points. And most of them are undeniable. It just seems to appear that we are a mortal human being, who will one day become dust in the wind, and also only a forgotten name in the long history of world. And if only the concept of god (who is also believed as the creator who gives meaning and purpose) is real, why does god let horrifying things happen? It just added more gap to the meaning of life.

Being as clueless as I am, and maybe as everyone else in this world about this question; deep inside, I only know one thing.

"I will never find the answer in my lifetime."

This sounds like the dumbest answer that I can give to myself. But somehow it makes sense, and it works. At least for me. Those are questions that most likely everyone in this world won't be able to answer. Just like all the theories and concepts, including religions, in this world, humans only can go as far as hunching, giving opinion based on humanly logic and facts, or formally researching and testing theories. Which are also bound by a lot of variables like time, place, situations. 

As much as Meaning is one of my main values in life, I prefer to set aside this whole backend of world and how life works. Because I know I won't have the answer. Maybe I will, in death. But as long as I live, it will always be a question. Each one of us is living in this world with a bet. If you're a believer in the afterlife like me, no one will know whether we're doing this life right or wrong. We simply (and also complexly) believe what we believe and do our best in it.

A good friend of mine believe in Christianity. She goes to church every Sunday, and that's the way she knows to be a good human. Another is an Arabic descend who believes in Islam. He believes he's being a good human and will be rewarded when he complies with Islamic customs like doing 5 daily prayers. Another one is an Atheist. He believes he is a good human when he shares kindness to other creatures and help them find their wellbeing. And that's just as beautiful.

Who is doing life the right way? The Christian? The Moslem? The Atheist?

NO ONE. FUCKING. KNOWS.

You might believe it's the Christian because you are one. Or The Moslem. Or maybe The Atheist. But we, everyone of us will only really, genuinely, completely, truthfully know the answer when our race ends.

And the paragraph above serves as a bridge to my thought that it is already so heavy. This one burden that we have in our backs of "doing life the right way" is more than enough for us to deal with. To answer that question about why God can seem so ignorant, or why chickens exist only to die and fill our stomach? We will never know. It's an unfair world. And the universe (or "God" if you'd prefer ) is too huge, too transcend for us to comprehend. At least in our lifetime.

I respect my friend for having that thought. Maybe his level of Meaning as a value is way above mine. And I love him for tingling my mind up about this. It gives me more understanding of humanity, him, and myself more. But as for myself, practically speaking, I don't see any points to give meaning to those questions. Not even have a thought of it. Because it would be pointless without possibility of having an answer. I can hate life, feel disappointed of it, or be depressed, or feel small and vulnerable in this crazy universe because of it, but I choose the other way around.

*I'm literally shedding tears when typing this*

I choose to love Life. I choose to put my trust in it.

And whether Life for you or me is The Universe, or God, or anything that you believe in; I choose to believe that everything that happens in this world whether heavenly good, or dreadfully bad, serves as a meaningful purpose (for whatever or whoever that is) that we may never understand. And I prefer to just focus on being good human in the way that I believe, just as I (personally) believe all of you, my friend should do with your own beliefs.

And this way, I believe I (and maybe you) can feel better. Free of unimportant burdens. Stop questioning. It's Life. It's unfair. But it can also be beautiful. Embrace it, don't fight it. There are beautiful feelings that we might be able to reap in this way of thinking, like joy, happiness, gratitude, content, calm, and maybe if we're lucky:

Peace.

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Hit me up with thoughts if you have them will you?