Reinhard Gouw's Journal

My dance life is in improving stage and I just performed in my biggest dance recital so far, UNSHAKABLE with LMSC. My college life is well..just well. It's all OK, like it’s always been. At least until last week. Last week, a heavy family issue broke out. It became the problematic aspect in my life, when everything else is OK. Actually, I think it started months ago, but I tried to repress it; up to the point where I realized it was not as easy, and for the first time after years, I bursted into tears. I was sharing the story to my close friend, knowing that I had to spill the overbulked. I was startled when my eyes suddenly started getting wet, talking; even breathing getting hard, then I started bursting. It wasn’t like me at all. I always thought of myself as a tough guy, the anti-drama one. I have strength at intrapersonal ability, including self-healing, I always believe that. A good friend once said to me that I have the unique gift of finding things to laugh about in the most difficult situations; and yes, I still believe that. But I think I was overwhelmed then. As tough as I am, I am still a human being. And yet all this time I believed I was quite humanity-free. haha. On the other side, maybe all this time it was just me trying to be what I want myself to see: strong, tough, feeling-free.

On Sunday, another news also came up. For the first time in my life, I lost a friend to death. He wasn’t my best friend (I think I have none), but he was a good friend for me. And not just that, he was one of the good person in this world that I know. He died of blood cancer after suffering for about a year. I always hoped that he’d survive and motivate people with his stories. But then he was gone beforehand. Just about 2 weeks before, I visited him with some of my friends. He said that he was gonna be able to walk the week after, and we told him we’d visit then. But we didn’t get to, and that time his condition was actually getting worst. I tried to reach him but I couldn’t. I was going to visit him in the hospital on Monday, but then I got the news. So the next visit was seeing him in his coffin. He was there. He wasn’t moving at all. I don’t get to talk to him anymore, not in my lifeline. For 2 days, I muttered “Andrew’s passed away” to myself occasionally, I think it was some kind of an outcome of me not believing that he did. He was around my age, and his lifeline is as long as that. I started to guess whether I would cry or not. Turned out that in the religious service, I cried. I remembered what we have gone through together in the past, and I cried. I also laughed with my friend when I remembered him adjusting his oversized pants while we were performing on stage, but then it was actually sad at the same time.  I am not going to see him again, not for a long time. However, it’s not about him losing to the cancer. His strong faith won him, and I know for sure he is happy. It is also relieving to believe that his faith took him to the right place. His family and girlfriend also know that, they are strong. And I realized that till the end of his life, Andrew inspired many people. He was strong, faithful, bright, always positive, and he has made his closest people embrace the toughest version of themselves. If you don't believe it, you can read his blog: http://cheatingreality.wordpress.com.

Just before he tried to adjust his pants and blew the beauty away. haha.

Final pose.

After SATOE. Our golden moment.

Mirror selfie after practice.

When we were visiting him 2 weeks ago. :)

At the religious service, we were wearing the costume we wore in our performance 5 years ago. Sorry for not being a caring friend, ndrew.

Like season, I guess my life changes too. The vibe is different for me nowadays. I remembered saying to some of my closest friends that I thought my life was too smooth. Everything was OK, it’s never saddening, and things. Now I think the theme is changing. The wheel of life is turning. It is a season for me to learn many things, not just from my happiness but also my sadness. The good thing is, I know now that my emotions are still there inside me, I am not truly humanity-free. The other good thing, is that I start to believe that it means God is not abandoning me, and He still wants to work over my life.

I am attending his funeral tomorrow. Oh, and I’m literally having my first work interview ever tomorrow. Wish me luck. :)