Reinhard Gouw's Journal

More than 730 days. Wow, that's longer than I've ever imagined it would be. We started off in a rough place. And as not okay as that was for me, we stepped into it anyway. We believed things will be better and crossed our fingers with these quotes:

"We cannot start over, but we can begin now, and make a new ending."

Then, the 730 days were full of everything. Excitements, adventures, travel, joy, thrill, fear, anger, rage, surprise, sadness, reflections, problem solvings, team work, changes for the better, and thousands of other things that merges into this one package.

I just want to thank you for accepting me for who I am. For coping with me. My rage. For being there through those times. For letting yourself fall completely. For the energy. For the time. For the abundant effort. For making those characters come to live. For making me feel comfortable. For making me feel enough. For being my home. For making me feel loved. For making me feel abandoned. For making me feel valuable. For making me feel worthless. For diving deep into me. And letting me dive deep into you.  Thank you for being a burst of millions of emotions and experience that words won't be able to explain.

I am sorry for being emotional. For not being able to provide. For not being able to guide you better.  For pushing away. For cursing. For insulting. For not being enough. For thinking you're not enough. For taking for granted. For denying. For forgetting. For procrastinating. For taking easy. For those tears. And fear. And all those sorrows. For coming out the other end being someone you don't wanna be.

I only hope that you enjoyed all the good times, and slowly forget all the bad. As much as we'd like to resent it now, we can't deny that it's beautiful. 'Cause when I look back? All that I can say is wow..just wow. Look at everything we've been through. Witnessed by those chocolate ice cones and those stickers. Thank you will never be enough.

I wish you nothing but happiness and an even wonderful journey ahead. After all, you deserve to be loved the same way you love. Just as I do. Be happy, always.

N.

2 weeks of 2018 has passed. I've been trying to remain calm and relaxed on everything that I do. As a few of my friends reminded me to. So a week ago, we had an LMSC gathering, and there's this session where we have to write each other's  +ness, along with what can be improved. Many of my friends told me to be more "chill and relaxed". Surprisingly, there were also some notes on not being too hard on myself, not overthinking and stressing myself out.

So yeah, I guess I'm just starting to learn to take things more easily. Someone also said to me...

"not that it's bad or anything but i dont think its good to put such burden on yourself to always be constantly 'productive' "
(you know who you are :) )

So let's try to be more chill and relaxed now, shall we?

That's the more technical part.

In the bigger picture, I always think that I'm being way too relaxed on adulting. Many of my friends are going all asault on building their career. They already have long-term career plan and all. While I'm still struggling with deciding my next move for my future. Yes, I know, the bigger dream is still scholarship and all with everything falling into place afterwards, but what's the plan B? That's always the question.

Now, would you still tell me to relax and take things more easily?

If life is fair and good and all, I wouldn't think too much and just let things flow. Embrace whatever life throws at me. But no, I know very well that life isn't. It is cruel, it is a jungle, it is a maze where people around me are already preparing their best weapons to conquer and win.


Also, I came across this video last week. It is 9 minutes worth of watching for you in early 20s, just like me. Who are facing this challenge of adulting. If it doesn't inspire you, at least it's relatable. haha.
Also click on this, for extra encouragement.

On top of it all, I'm coming to accept that I'm still learning. To balance everything. Between planning, and letting things flow. Between passion and profession. Between work and life. 

Between being grateful, and staying hungry for more.

And it makes me feel calmer to think that it's just a part of my early adulthood. My adulting process. Because being a super-productive and achieving student back in my university life, when I step into the jungle of life I thought I had it all. The brain, the maturity. I thought I was already a full-developed adult. But no, life hit me with reality and all and now I realize that I'm still learning to be one. And it's only normal that I get confused time to time.

This thought makes me smile.

Because I know one day, looking back, I will smile. Knowing it's just a transition process in my long and happy life. Amen. Let's embrace the present more and stop worrying so much.

Other encouraging thing is that this afternoon, I shared to my sister that I feel like I'm not maximizing my potential. I was everything a few years ago in my university, like the whole campus knew me, people count on me, I was a valuable player in every committee and organizations. But now? I feel like I'm no one. My sister answered, "Just be patient, you will have your time. I too had my own confusion, then I just did what I could do. And look where it took me. Just be patient, and do what you can do."

I remembered accompanying my sister to her interviews in office buildings. 3 years ago after she graduated. She was applying here and there. And in an office lift, I thought to myself "I would never let myself work in an office building! Never." The idea of going to the same place everyday, with visually square interiors, behind a square office desk, scared me. Then she didn't. She started working freelance. Created her own clothingline. Suffering from constant financial loss. Failing. Here and there. That was her.

But she chose to take it easy and just keep doing what she can do.

In contrast, this morning she ranted about April schedule because there are 10+ clients booking her as stylist. She was a stylist for Ayang Kahiyang's Pre-Wedding shoot (Indonesia President's daughter). She appeared on national television twice just in the past 6 months. She has vast network of influencers, designers, stylist, and make up artists, which support her career even more. When you think of it..wow. Just wow. I'm a very proud brother.

07.11.17 The biggest pleasure of mine is to help my sister on her wedding day, which is making the bridesmaids dresses.Also thanks to this beautiful MUA @brushedbymerida @feliciamerida for making my sister and me looked beautiful on that day. Captured by @evansirawan

Sebuah kiriman dibagikan oleh Ribka Budiman O. Sugiharto (@ribkabudiman.o.s) pada 29 Nov 2017 jam 1:24 PST

Ribka Budiman.

From nothing to something.

- - - - - - - - - -

"You will have your time."

I will have my own time. Let's take it easy. But keep putting my effort to it.

Let's make it happen.


Hit me with any thoughts on Adulting, will you?
Let's talk and share. :)


*NOTE:
Extra TVD gifs to enhance the reading experience because I just miss TVD so much. It's one of the things that can remind me of some of the best moments in my life. :) Moving on!

Monday, January 1st 2018 |

Peace in the middle of storm.