Reinhard Gouw's Journal

"So I should start doing things differently from now on. Get up, run , smash doors, hit people face-on, and defy everything inside me that prevents me from making my mark in this big world. I am the one to control my whole life. No negativity in can stand in my way. LET THE DEFIANCE BEGIN."

Like season, I guess my life changes too. The vibe is different for me nowadays. I remembered saying to some of my closest friends that I thought my life was too smooth. Everything was OK, it’s never saddening, and things. Now I think the theme is changing. The wheel of life is turning. It is a season for me to learn many things, not just from my happiness but also my sadness."

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Hello there.
This year is the most different year of my life. It's the hardest and the loneliest one. This whole year, life's been smacking me down over and over again. I had never been so crazy before, as I was at some points of this year. I guess it was my bad I challenged it. "Life was too smooth", I said last year. Now? It proved to me that it's not as easy.




I thought I was the guy who would always stay positive, stay on top, stay inspiring in my daily life. I also said "no negativity can stand in my way" when this year started. Well, look at me now. I am not that guy anymore. I am not the guy I wish I'd stay being. I've been seing the dark reality about life and it's saddening that I can't hope like I always did before. I feel like I turned dark and it's not easy to see any real light. Not from me.

I miss smiling and feeling comfortable in my own home. Too bad I ruined that by being ignorant to my own family. I miss going on a trip together, I miss being sung "Bilur-Nya" to on the side of the bed when I have fever, I miss believing the goodness in this place. I miss not having to fear losing strong pillars of love and support. But it looks like it's too late. I took too much of the goodness for granted. And now it became a part of me that is now gone.

But now, I've been trying to accept things as they are. It was a pleasant memory. At least it happened. At least I felt the warmth, at least I can remember being there together, at least I knew how being inside a beautiful little family is, in that small home, playing balloons with dad and sleeping aside mom. God, I miss them. But it's time to move on.

I know that I've changed. I'm not that bright guy anymore. I'm not that one to inspire, also not the one with good religious head. I am Reinhard Budiman in a different way. I hope someday that bright guy will spark again inside of me. And while he might be in a coma, I would not self-destruct myself like cabe-cabeans do.

Well to be honest, I tried to. At a point, I said I gave up. I gave up being good. I gave up looking forward to a good future. I gave up being positive. I gave up holding on to the light. But a good buddy of mine caught me and said to me, "don't fall now". Then I realized, I didn't want to destroy myself. I didn't want to destroy it all.




So out of this dark and gloomy place, I'd like to announce a little good news: I still have a little light of positiveness to set a New Year's Resolution. Yay. I've only accomplished one out of three resolutions that I set for 2015: earning my personal financial income. I would be sorry and feel bad about myself but I think I'd cut some slack instead. I've been dealing with bad things, and it's only normal that I got startled, I guess? Then I lost focus. Whatever.

Anyway, I still believe in New Year. I always do, and this is what I'm not willing to lose. The chance to start over. I believe in starting over. And now, let's accept this condition of mine with peace, and chase these more technical life resolutions:

1. DANCE
- Join an international dance competition.
- Improve freestyle (each week practice, probably after skripsi).
- Watch more dance videos (at least an hour a week).

2. LIFE, iNK
- Join a bazaar with 3-4 more products ready.
- At the end of the year, business capital case closed and able to produce independently.

3. FAMILY
- Mark every Sunday as family days and prioritize them.
- Buy sweets for mom & dad once in a while when I go out.

4. PHYSICAL
- Join a bodybuilding course.
- Sleep better (11.00 max, & minimum 6 hours)
- Go check up at dentist and ENT specialist on January and July.
- More fruits! (eat fruits often in a week)

5. COLLEGE
- Graduate with cummulative GPA between 3.80-4.00
- Apply and get international scholarship in Project Management. (any ideas?)

6. PERSONAL
- Read books (5 hours/week)
- Pursue Delay of Gratification and Mindfulness.

6 aspects. Not as transcend and abstract as the previous years, but I think I need a more technical ones like this while pulling myself up. I will keep holding on to the smallest light inside of me, so when life turns back up, I'd be in a proper condition to bounce back.

I am doing this. And I hope that life would be nicer next year.




Have you set yours?

Happy New Year 2016, everyone!
Good luck for your resolutions.

4 days ago when we still had...4 days left in Bali. #sigh

Golden Brotherz!

Wildsons!

Wildsons swimming in the sea.

So happy to see Uncle Dom's nose again

With Merroy from Batam, Vanessa, and Evelyn

LMSC Big Family!

Sky Garden!

Heaven on sea, Blue Point Beach

Swimming with LMSC!

Tanah Lot

Balinese hooray!

When we were little, most of us lay our days on our parents' hands, letting them protect us, guide us, place us, teach us everything we need to know. Some of us grow up with abundant love and care, some without. Despite that, we still believe that we're gonna be safe as long as we shelter inside their arms, because they're the ones who brought our existence to life. They're our superheroes.

As we grow up, we start to have our own opinions which sometimes differ from theirs. We start having this little fights, thinking they don't understand "this era", and maybe our opinions are really better. We become rebels. We start trying to do things our own way; lying to them when needed, just to try to go along with the plan. Then the fights become bigger. It becomes the fight between principles, or maybe between "my era" and "your era". We think they'll never gonna understand. But that might not be the worst.

Not all children experience this, but what's worst is the moment you found out that your parents become the person they always protect you from becoming, doing the things they get mad for whenever you even just talk about it, and in the end destroying the belief all your life they've been sharing with you to hold together. That exact second, it breaks you to pieces knowing that they aren't perfect, that your parent isn't that superhero you've believed them to be. that honestly they are humans. Just like us. They're humans who have flaws, who can't stand temptations, who can be a hypocrite at times, who can lose grip of their own words. The other sad reality beyond that is we can't always shelter anymore, we have to find a grip of our own and survive in the wild.

With this post, I'm not hoping to make children hate or question their parents. I also acknowledge that I've never been a parent. What I'm trying to say is maybe it is a false popular belief that we believe in or that parents plant in their children that they're superheroes. Undeniably, parents are also humans; only, they lived longer, brought us to this world, took care and nurtured us. The perks of being humans are that we are learning throughout life. Everyone is still a student of life, differing in ages. To expect too much of parents are to forget that they may also do "things", or the ones we call mistakes. And thus we blind ourselves from the probability of that to happen. When it finally does, we get mad because those expectations are broken.


Maybe it's fair to think they're superheroes when we were little. But there is a time when we grow up to be aware of their humanly flaws, and still love them. Take the good attributes, the strength, and just throw away the bad ones. They are just like us. We don't have to hate them just because our expectations over them are violated. In the end, maybe it's even fairer to see them struggle with their "dark side", and still love them anyway. Above all their horribleness, they gave us a beautiful gift: a chance to be in this complex maze called Life. And that's the reason of the breath you've been taking up to this second.

To parents, or future parents, maybe we don't have to be perfect for our children. We don't have to build those overrated expectations for them. We don't have to hide from them our probability of making mistakes. We don't have to always be an almighty for them to feel safe. Maybe we need to put some layers of our "I'm always right" down, and instead train them to have their own version of "strength" and "right", with the hope that they will be a better person than we are in the future. To tell them that it is normal to be imperfect, that they can still find happiness and satisfaction in life with that condition.


When I have a child of my own one day, I won't force in his mind that the world is a harmless place. I will nurture inside him that the world is not like the ones in fairytales, but I, with all my imperfections will love him and help him get through it. I will tell him that he's a fighter, and ask him to put his trust in this older knight as we walk through life, until he's ready to become a knight of his own life.

 Imagine you are standing inside a circle of columns. Each column is an aspect of your life. One might be family, the others college, talent, friends, relationship, anything. These columns are supporting your life. Your job inside these columns are to maintain each, so that it will not go down. But sometimes the wind is too strong, even comes with lightning that strikes one of your columns. And it's out of your control.


When one of them suddenly breaks, it doesn't mean that everything is over. Remember that around you there are still other pillars supporting your life. You can still choose to keep maintaining them, even when you are hurt by the broken one. The shattered stones might hurt you, but not your whole life. Latch onto those columns. If you can, try fixing the broken one. If not, try building a new one. Sometimes, storms are there to tell us that we need to make stronger columns.

Whatever storms you are in, stay alive. Always remember to latch onto something. Even the smallest ones. In life, there is always something to smile about, only if you choose to.

We may think we got everything under control. We might be the most drama-free person in this whole earth. We may be that kind of superman with super self-healing ability. The toughest guy.

But we can never deny the fact that we are still human. We are just like a pot with different boiling points. You might have 100, I might have 150, someone else might have 240. But no matter at what point we boil, we still boil anyway. We have to do something before we go on a downward spiral of self-destruct.

One way to do that is to spill the weights down. As much as I'd love to deny it, I never thought I needed other human to cope with my problems. Until the point when I realized I had too much on my own back, and had to spill it somewhere 'less I want to go psychotic. That moment when I was on the edge, I knew that if I let it stay inside the pot, it would rattle savagely and break the pot itself. And when I spilled some on a trustworthy friend, I surprisingly bursted into tears. I thought I was OK with everything; even at the moments when the problems happen, I felt nothing profound. I could still feel and act normal. But my unconscious realm said otherwise. I realized it was defending me this whole time, keeping everything on the label "OK". And then it was just tired.

So I guess it proved to me that we really are social creature. It's not a matter of getting an advice or answers that magically solved everything. Sometimes what our soul really needs is as simple as to be listened. It lets it map out things. It lets it rest. And after, it stands up again and fight better - with less burdens.

Thank you for the unfairness.
Thank you for ruining my childhood beliefs.
Thank you for making me walk without any grip.

You won't take me down that easy.
Burnt be the trees and crop.
But I've got a whole forest to develop.
I will tolerate the loss, and make best of what's left.
Until the loss becomes loss no more.
And the world once again a place I love.

This is not the point where my soul break down.
Instead, a moment for I to reborn.
It might never be the same exquisite tale again.
But who knows what better tale could I attain.

Drowning is always an easy option.
In this vast ocean no one is an exception.
Vital is you start to swim.
'less you give up on the pilgrim.
Every single breath that you fight for.
Will make your story a precious memoir.

Life, you can make me feel so small.
But you can't smother this desire to soar.
Not now, not ever, never.

Everything's OK.

This was the journey of my university organization life. They let me know, work with, and learn from incredible mentors and workmates, boosting my soft skills in a way I never imagined before. Though sometimes I take for granted, these experiences and moments are irreplaceable.

Not all things went as I planned out when I started. I was actually aiming for the coordinator of Force Security Department in O-Week, it didn't happen. I was also aiming for at least one year of experience for at least being a member of it, it didn't happen. And now with this syndrome, I suddenly regret that I didn't try a chance to be the president or a head of department in SC.

I am nothing.
I was too young to recognize myself.
Now that I'm 20, I start to see the reflection more clearly.

I have 20 years and I have not marked anything at all in this world.

I start to think that I have superiority complex.

I think of all the things I can brag of myself. And starting at being 20, I have this counters coming to me, making me realize that I did nothing:

I have so many friends. I'm quite well-known.
. Not that fast. Only in your campus and some dance or high school friends. Then again, compared to who?  And then what? You have no impacts at all. What's so special?

I survived from bullying and turned to be a better person.
. Meaning you become a dancer, and organization junkie, you have a vision of having an anti-bullying organization but never think of any plan about it? That's it? What's so special?

I never not pass a preliminary round in a dance battles.
. Yes, you're a lucky guest. You're just lucky, And you never even went to finals. What's so special?

I am an active organizational guy in campus, and my track records are remarkable.
. In campus. You never know how you'll do in greater organization out there. What's so special?

I write a blog that means to inspire people.
 . Who are you? Your blog is not even well-known at all. Does it make any impact? What's so special?

Everything that I'm proud of, maybe it's just me and my superiority complex.
Maybe I overrate myself because I thought I was nothing, but can actually do something. And that something is honestly not a big deal at all.

To be honest with myself, I feel like I never did any real hard work to maximize myself. I think everything happens mostly because of my luck.
Maybe I'm being negative but maybe it's the right place to start.

I understand that I am nothing, no one.
And it's time to think about what to do with it.