Reinhard Gouw's Journal

It's about an hour to December and I'm about to drop these behind.
The month's ending in rain and I hope while it falls dawn, it washes away every stains left on my life. It's been exhausting, the last days of November. It started out wonderful, even more wonderful in the middle. When suddenly wonderful turns out to be tiring in the end. Don't know how it happened but maybe it's as they say, "Don't get caught up in the beauty".

I can say that I would carry something through the next days of December. But probably the best thing is that it is left behind. That something came and I was curious and mesmerized to know that there is such coincidence happening so many times already that it makes everything look real and magical. Me and the thing. I said I carried on, but it made me stop for awhile to rest and drink my thirst away. Drinking it was sweet. At times it was bitter. There are clearer waters ahead and I knew I deserve a lot better. But somehow I'm captivated in this place that I used to know. It got me weakened all over again when I knew I was tough. I was ready to fall off a cliff believing that I was gonna be alright.
I am an open book. Thought I would relive an undone writing in the previous book on this new page. An undone writing that I used to wish for it to be done, or at least to be written longer. But seems like there's no such story to continue it. I was trying to make a crumbled paper perfect. I was trying to plant on a dry soil. I tried to foresee something good but there is actually nothing left in this place. It's starting to have me believing that this isn't gonna work. Maybe I should stop wondering and waiting for something that will only come in a quarter to never. Maybe I should just write a new beginning with something else.

I drank. I was thirsty to my best. I believed in a story I tried to make up.
Thirst, urges, blood, miss, hope, lone, touch, rage, crush, love.
The thoughts that are getting me to the lunatic realm.
Let the rain wash away everything.
I'm leaving these things right here.
Let's carry on.

I defeated time.
I sipped some blood after a long long time.
In a different way, not in a villain way. It felt like I missed the taste of blood, I was desperate for it. I resisted not to drink the vein empty. I don't want to ruin everything normal that's been kept. I was dehydrated to best, and the blood was nice and fulfilling, at least for a while. After a really long time, I finally felt alive.
Just then, it suddenly got me thinking a lot.
I know it's the pseudo "alive". There were so much questions popping out to my head last night. Got me exhausted and distressed.
Drinking the blood, even in control just felt like it makes me thirst even more. It's like drinking salt water, you keep thirsting and thirsting for more until it finally kills you along with the salt. Who said I didn't know? From the beginning I knew blood is poisonous. It's just that now I'm freer to be a vampire, and I feel like I'm a villain now. I'm not that good guy again. And yet what if I started to feel something for the prey I just drink from? No. It can't happen. But the prey let me sip blood in about normal dose, and I realize that I'm starting to feel that it's ideal for me.
While on the other side, another prey who I used to drink from, came unexpectedly and I just didn't know how to respond. I said that it's better if we keep it the way it is. I'm still confused about myself. I don't wanna go too left or too right. I wan't and I don't wanna be a vampire in the same time.

You know what, I wish everything about this, blood, preys, would just fade away. I have a lot more important things to think about. And I know I have to start looking for the right animal blood to drink from. Why should I be a vampire in the first time? And how did it get inside my idealism? I feel so messed up. I wish I could just escape far away and start new. Forget everything and everyone, begin again.

*I am NOT an actual vampire or anything, and I'm not a freaky vampire-wannabe. "Vampire", "blood", and everything are just the substitutions I use for the matter since a long time. Vampire isn't always about Breaking Dawn.

This is actually one of my random posts. But it's actually legible and fit for an actual post, SO----!!! These are the songs that I listen to these days. Mostly they're songs that are showing the fragile side of someone in a tough way. Literally, or subliminally.

1) The Script - For The First Time
A great, awesome song storytelling someone's messed up situation in some fancy way.

2) Calvin Harris - Feel So Close
Lets me smile and forget heavy burdens. It gets me high and gives me eargasm every time.

3) Passion Pit - Where I Come From
Yeah! One of Breaking Dawn part 2's soundtrack. It's a fresh song to start the day.

4) Jason Wade - You Belong To Me
A sweet and sad song.

5) Lifehouse - You and Me
Classic yet wonderful all time.

6) The Fray - Be Still
Somehow it's calming and sad at the same time. haha.

7) Daughter - Medicine
A good insomniac song.

8) Katy Perry - Hummingbird Heartbeat
Simple. Katy Perry is always awesome. And here's a fresh awesome song.

9) Sky Ferreira - Obsession
My fuel for the day.

11) Ingrid Michaelson - Can't Help Falling In Love
Yes, another beautiful version of the original song.

12) Martin Solveig - Ready 2 Go
A great electronic song that sets my optimism.

13) She Wants Revenge - Up In Flames
Drives my villain side up. It's a great and moving feeling.

14) Graham Colton - Our Story
"One day at a time". :)

One addition to make it 15, "I Should Go" from Levi Kreis. My all time favorite song. :) I never listen to it and feel random. It's always able to crawl inside me.

So that's it. The songs I listen much other than hip hop musics. Yeah, hip hop and these songs are different. I love listening to both in different ways and time. haha.
I love alternative rock musics and insomniac musics. It makes me "me" in an unexplainable way.

So did you listen to these already? Write a review down below and hit me with another great alternative/insomniac songs please! :)

So much things to be written, but not everything is to be written here. Maybe I have to write again in my one of my brown notebooks.

Memories.
Most of the time memories come and go with an attachment. It can be scent, it can be music, it can be pictures. Psychologically, scent is the one with the strongest attachment with memory. See how you often smell something and then it quickly reminds you of something?  Perfume, foods, and even the smell of wet paint. haha
For me, other than scent, it's music. Everytime I listen to "You'll Be In My Heart", somehow I get a strong feeling of my childhood. BBB's "Bukan Bintang Biasa" reminds me of my precious time with my 8th grade friends (other than the smell of my room's newly wet paint, when I got home from hanging out with them). haha. Asher Book's "Try" reminds me of the time I blog a lot and my best friend who accidentally read my blog. Jesse McCartney's musics remind me of my 1st ex. "Always Be My Baby" reminds me of my 2nd ex. haha. Not just the images, but also the feelings are attached. haha.

I'm just mesmerized by memories, feelings, attachments. How these all connected. Human's mind are magical.

Studying psychology has taught me a lot of things. Wonderful and neat things for me. Before I started learning, I never thought anything about studying further after I graduate 4 years again. But now after the 1st semester's about to end, I'm thinking of taking my study further after I graduate. Maybe study abroad if it's God's plan. :) I don't know, it's still a long way..

Today I watched Breaking Dawn part 2 for the 2nd time, and I am still captivated by how they have super powers of their own. Benjamin's nature ability, Bella's shield ability, Kate's electricity, Alec's black mist, and everything. Other than that, I still envy vampire's existence in the movie and wish I were a vampire or at least turn to one! haha. It's such a pride to have super ability.

For me, I have a super power wish. It's to read people's mind. I realized that I actually had this wish since I was in middle school. I browsed about psychology in the internet, took so much psychology quizzes. I printed and used the quizzes to my friends and satisfied to know them more. I even remember taking the test of this super power thing. Along the option "to fly", "to have super strength", "to turn invincible", and the other options, I chose "to read minds". And the result was that I was fit for the job psychologist. hahaha. That actually made my will to enter psychology in college. Then high school changed me for awhile to be communication student wannabe, but at last here I am; Psychology. "Love can break and find another but true loves never goes anywhere" - ex. haha
I started to feel sparks from this thought. Can I really read people's mind someday? By the way they talk and move? Can I have this super power? Like Dr. Cal in Lie To Me, reading people's mind in seconds. haha. But then again I thought, life won't be so full of surprise that way. All I know for sure is that I wanna reach people's other side and help them balance it. That's it. Is this the so called passion?
Let it flow for now..

I'm exhausted. Two words that perfectly describe this state.

It feels like I've been running, from wherever I should've gone to. How many month has it been since the last time I'm walking to it? It was a slow trip, but it felt right. Slow but sure. Right now, everything just feels fast. Too fast. Imagine you're trying to figure out where to walk while things around you move fast to just about any directions. You tried to close your eyes for a while and make it disappear but every voices wake you up over and over again. Then you decided to move fast, just like everything and everyone else. You don't know where to go but that sounds just about right for the bigger picture. At least it sounds right for everything, for everyone, but deep inside you know, it's everything but right.

No. Stop. All  I want to do is just scream and let everything out of me. I don't  know what is it. I don't even know who I am anymore. The only thing that I wish is to just restart. No. Begin again. From the very beginning. If I could get an amnesia, I would even volunteer myself. haha. It's  tiring, living when you feel like you're stained.

When I was a kid, I love to play games. RPG games, and anything. When I made a mistake on the way, I could restart the game from the beginning. I'd do it even when I'm half done. It wouldn't feel good, playing the game when I already made the mistake. Kill the characters, or make it more messed up so I would really press "New Game". haha. Then I would begin a fresh new start.  No stain. New book for the character.
That's what's happening right now. I want to press "New Game". What I know is I've been making my days more messed up so I would press it. haha. Well I would, but there's no buttons here. Where the heck is the "New Game" button?!!!!

Frustrated. That's all I am right now. Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer. And alongside this road of dull and grayness. There's a smell of the past. That's when I started to contemplate. Should I drink from this sink I've recognized before? The sink that gives bittersweet water. The kind of poison water that gives you death sentence, but would help you in your worst thirst just for the moment? You know that there are consequences but you really need to drink, anything..

Every time I try to see myself. I see this imaginary image. I ran from where I should be going and took myself to a gray road. Everything's in black and white. Broken pavements. Dry plants. Maybe even walls with torn wallpapers that maybe is the result of my urges. I'm in thirst for blood but I swear if I could just find the right way back to where I should be, it would be easier.  I'm a "vampire", and that's what I'm trying to accept. But doing so somehow just makes it harder. Being this "vampire" is who I want and who I don't wanna be. I can't be a "vampire". If I could just live a normal life from the beginning like the others. Things will be way easier. I won't be thirsty. I wouldn't have taken myself so far away.

919 3182 591 47 19 15 2 31815 147?
(12 122121 22 22221?)
Cause I'm so tired and lost. I really am.