I'm exhausted. Two words that perfectly describe this state.

It feels like I've been running, from wherever I should've gone to. How many month has it been since the last time I'm walking to it? It was a slow trip, but it felt right. Slow but sure. Right now, everything just feels fast. Too fast. Imagine you're trying to figure out where to walk while things around you move fast to just about any directions. You tried to close your eyes for a while and make it disappear but every voices wake you up over and over again. Then you decided to move fast, just like everything and everyone else. You don't know where to go but that sounds just about right for the bigger picture. At least it sounds right for everything, for everyone, but deep inside you know, it's everything but right.

No. Stop. All  I want to do is just scream and let everything out of me. I don't  know what is it. I don't even know who I am anymore. The only thing that I wish is to just restart. No. Begin again. From the very beginning. If I could get an amnesia, I would even volunteer myself. haha. It's  tiring, living when you feel like you're stained.

When I was a kid, I love to play games. RPG games, and anything. When I made a mistake on the way, I could restart the game from the beginning. I'd do it even when I'm half done. It wouldn't feel good, playing the game when I already made the mistake. Kill the characters, or make it more messed up so I would really press "New Game". haha. Then I would begin a fresh new start.  No stain. New book for the character.
That's what's happening right now. I want to press "New Game". What I know is I've been making my days more messed up so I would press it. haha. Well I would, but there's no buttons here. Where the heck is the "New Game" button?!!!!

Frustrated. That's all I am right now. Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer. And alongside this road of dull and grayness. There's a smell of the past. That's when I started to contemplate. Should I drink from this sink I've recognized before? The sink that gives bittersweet water. The kind of poison water that gives you death sentence, but would help you in your worst thirst just for the moment? You know that there are consequences but you really need to drink, anything..

Every time I try to see myself. I see this imaginary image. I ran from where I should be going and took myself to a gray road. Everything's in black and white. Broken pavements. Dry plants. Maybe even walls with torn wallpapers that maybe is the result of my urges. I'm in thirst for blood but I swear if I could just find the right way back to where I should be, it would be easier.  I'm a "vampire", and that's what I'm trying to accept. But doing so somehow just makes it harder. Being this "vampire" is who I want and who I don't wanna be. I can't be a "vampire". If I could just live a normal life from the beginning like the others. Things will be way easier. I won't be thirsty. I wouldn't have taken myself so far away.

919 3182 591 47 19 15 2 31815 147?
(12 122121 22 22221?)
Cause I'm so tired and lost. I really am.