Reinhard Gouw's Journal

Now, for the issue I told you in the post before storytelling. Let this be the part where I reflect and not only share with you but, also share as a lesson for myself.

In the present, my family is wonderful. My mom and dad getting along well, my sister starting to be productive, they get along beautifully. The problem is me. I have this bipolar and alter ego situation that disturbs when I'm with my family. Well right now it's not that ugly and I progressed. But you know, I used to become easily irritated, depressed without reason, and go off on an emotional rampage, react with anger easily, don't like spending time at home so I had this one thousand business outside (which is positive at some sides), and other bad things that never happened outside the circle. I even show my dislike towards the question "pulang jam berapa nanti?" or just a simple "hari ini kamu mau kemana aja?". My family knows me as a whole different person than how my friends do. They think I'm an intelligent arrogant emotional matter.  I see myself as this full of energy, productive, achieving, and positive guy outside home. But inside home, I only find myself as a conceited guy with anger issues.

I managed to change a lot for the past one year, but it still happens out of control sometimes. Every time my depressed mode is active, I can't handle questions like "Kamu kenapa ren?" and other questions regarding my bad vibe.

Just last night when I went on a family time, it got out of control and got the vibe worse. When it's cooling down, I decided to tell my mother about my psychological issue. I told her that I'm sorry for that disorder. When my mom told me to get over it, I lashed out again. I told her it's not that easy, that it's automatic. She told me that not everyone would try understand me with that. I la told her that the problem was that the trigger's only inside the family. Outside, it doesn't happen. I noticed that she was a little shocked and speechless, which made me sad and regretted that I said that. She must be so disappointed and felt that I was blaming my whole family. She asked me, "Trus kita harus gimana lagi, Ren? Kita lo sudah sampe nunduk-nunduk ke kamu.. Papamu juga sudah sampe ati-ati ngomong mbe kamu". I only told her that I am trying to fix this.

Somehow in the quarrels with my mom, I found myself unconsciously and repeatedly yelling that I survived on my own back then. (I finally told them the bullying story some months ago). It's like I wanted them to know out loud that I survived without them, and they weren't there at all. Then I thought, maybe it was the reason of the trigger. Maybe I feel that they don't understand me. That they don't even know how I suffered and struggled.They didn't even say sorry.

Therefore, I tried to tell my mom how I felt. She told me to move on. That's it's just a past and no need to pry about it. I lashed out again, saying that the past still affects me now and I don't know what to do with the scar. Then the quarrel ended.

When we got home, I suddenly wanna apologize to my mom and hug her, especially because I'm blaming them. I realized that it was so childish of me, all these personality issues. Then I said sorry and hugged her before going upstairs to bed. She told me something that really makes me embarrassed of myself. "Cobaen liat yang lebih soro Ren, mama dulu lebih soro, dihajar sama mama e mama, malu ke sekolah merah-merah. Kamu sekarang lebih enak, dikasih uang, bawa mobil sendiri, mau kemana ae isa". That moment, I was so embarrassed of me blaming them. My mom suffered from a harsh education method of her mom, and also a worse problem with her dad. Compared to her, my problem was nothing. My condition in the present, compared to her condition at the same age, was heaven and hell. Maybe my parents don't do appreciation towards my achievement much compared to the world outside the circle (another thing I unconsciously and repeatedly yelled about in quarrels with them), but in this age, I realize that they are ones who would still be with me if I don't have dance, organization skill, and achievements themselves.

Now I understand that there is nothing to be angry about anymore.
It's over. Everything's fine right now.
I should have nothing against my mom, my dad, my sister.
I should only make them happy. Happy and proud. 



Somehow I believe that if I can finally overcome this issue, get this scar mended, I will achieve bigger things, way above my present capacity. :)

Maybe I told you this story before.

Junior high school came. I was that guy who had style. I can wear outfit well. The only problem was fat. I was a fat boy. So now you can call me fat fag. (Okay..)

I was playing cool since the start of junior high school. So yes, I still wouldn't talk and get connected if no one tries to do so to me. Well I have someone from another elementary school liking me since the start of 7th grade so I felt like I was the type who everybody wanted to know about. And I was, for some time. Female seniors started pinching my cheeks because I was cute, and maybe furry. But then something happened. I was having kind of a romance life with this girl since 6th grade. I was still in one class with her in 7th grade. Then a boy, a big and bossy boy  from another elementary school suddenly had this crush on her. One day, I had sports time with his class and he started looking for someone named Reinhard Budiman. I introduced myself to him. We became friends. I was proud because I was friends with one of the naughtiest boy in school. Because naughty equals popular that time. But somehow, everything changed when he saw me talking to one of my girl friend. Then he started saying that I looked like fag. The bullying started.

Every time we passed each other, he always shouted "woy bencong!" That happened every time. As time went on, the bullying got worse. His friends started to do the same thing. And his friends was quite the gang. I was shouted at every time I passed through corridors. I was always afraid to just go out of my class and go to canteen. Talking about canteen, high school boys also bullied me. I remembered sitting alone at some point eating my instant noodle when a high school boy suddenly sat on my table with his friends asking me to buy him one. Luckily, his girl friend rescued me. Other than that, because of the fact that as the bullying went on, I was turning more and more silent and antisocial, other naughty(s) started to bully me also. I was strangled, choked upon the walls. Those scary threatening faces, those shoutings.

In the middle of that social drama, I didn't have anyone to talk to. Well, I had a cat named pussy (maybe it's named after myself back then. lol.) A street cat who came to my house everyday. After the whole horrible day of school, I always spend my time in front of my house playing with it. Until my mom threw it away someplace far away because it eventually made trouble. Speaking of mom.

I never told my mom, nor my dad, nor my sister about the bullying and the scary days I had in school. Maybe I was embarrassed back then. Maybe I was too shy about the fact that I acted like girls. Maybe I didn't want them to be embarrassed  because of me because of how my cousin told them to educate me. So I never told them. Besides, that time my mom and dad had a heavy quarrel. So my family was kind of troublesome back then. My mom was sad all the time, my dad was a killer and I was afraid of him. My sister was a rebel and naughty kind of girl with boyfriend, not really a best sister material anymore. (Thank God it's a wonderful home right now). So I had literally no one to share. Not my parents, not my sister, not my 0 friends, not my goneaway cat. No one. I tried to survive on my own and somehow I did.

The turning point of my life was when my prayers and cradle got answered. God gave me dance and I started to have self-esteem, optimism, hope, friends, everything, Maybe some of you have read a post or two about this story in this blog back then. I'm not gonna dwell much in the matter now.

(to be continued)

I told you I'd be telling you about something going on in the term "home" for me, so here goes. Luckily, I'm in the mood for some storytelling.

So way back then, I was the innocent kid you'd find on the block, weak, soft, crybaby. I was everything fragile. I have only 3 of my favorite people in the world: mom, dad, and my sister. They love me so much. My mom and dad never bother about my scores in school like any other studs' parents. Even so, I had great scores. I even ranked 3 once. (Yes, only once. Well, smart enough...yeah..well..) I was that bright and sunny kid.

I hate sports, I even have traumatic events with it. Running practice which was almost every week made me wanna die. I was so anxious of that weakness. It made it so hard having friends, especially boys. Well, I have 2 best friends who were boys but I have more girl friends. It made me turn to a ladyboy wearing wig and fake boobs. Yes, I'm kidding. But I did talk and act like girls. Soft, weak, puny, big emotion variable. Some friends told me that I behaved like girls. I started to become shy and questioning this.

So I came and asked my mom one time, "Ma, temen-temen bilang aku kayak cewek. Iya ta ma?" then my mom told me that it's not right. I loved my mom more than anything, and I believed in her. But friends in school kept telling me that, and I saw myself suck in sports while other boys did well. Moreover, cousin. I never wanted to spend the night at my cousin's house when I was little. I was never separable from my mom. But at a point, I started to try doing so and eventually spend time occasionally staying in my cousin's. But turned out that it has quite a bad effect.

So they are boys and was an extreme opposite pole of me. They love sports, and cars, and everything. My aunt was always telling me to behave like real boys. Like them. We started to become compared, here and there. I believe that time I was nothing but a piece of shit compared to them. I was nothing. She started telling my mom to educate me better. To raise me better. My mom then followed, she started telling me to behave more like boys. I was embarrassed. Not only because of the fact that I was like girls for everyone, but also that my mom who I loved thought the same way. Since then, I always tried to "be a boy". I tried liking sports even though I hate them (well not really, I was quite a fast swimmer and I do well at badminton, but not for sports with balls.). I pretended to watch football. I pretended to know things about cars. I pretended that I like to play them, that I had experiences. As I did so, I got more and more embarrassment. Got hit by balls on the head when trying so hard to be a keeper, and things. I made fun of myself by trying so fucking hard to do it, and it was miserable to remember.

I started to have this bad self-image. I couldn't get myself to snatch new friends and wouldn't talk first. I lied here and there about me and my family's wealth. I lied about everything. I told everyone I was rich in fact of the still struggling financial condition of my family that time. Unconsciously, I never admitted any of my weakness, because I was too scared that people would know that I'm that pathetic. I was nothing. Although, in the elementary school I was still enjoying my life with those 2 best friends and also other good friends. However, things got worse when I entered junior high school. A lot worse.

(to be continued)

Just after I finished the big project (UC Art Night and Charity), thoughts started to rush back into my head, harder than before. The fact that I'm 20 become a big board inside my head. Maybe everyone experiences this.

I've been thinking about the future a lot. What would I do. Where would I be. It's still all blurry but I knew I should come up with something fast. It's 2 more years to graduation. I won't get any money from my parents so I should start saving and work something out for some bucks. Although one good thing happened, I was chosen in my campus and got a scholarship by Pembangunan Jaya in form of a decent amount of fresh money! Thank God, I never deserved this. I promised myself I would save it for a start up business. (Guess what, I'm already cooking a project :) ) When I'm thinking about it, He opens a way. Awesome.


In campus, somehow I felt maxed out. I already achieved what I needed to achieve. I promised myself to make my mark in this campus, well I did. It's done. No higher aims. I shone enough, time for the next generations to. It's funny. You don't only feel satisfied and proud, you can also feel sad, knowing that your target is achieved. Like you now need to go back to what life obliged you to do. Yes, normal college life. Well, with a touch of recognition from people. But..uh. Okay. Like, now what?

Other than that, social life. I'm less of a happy go lucky teenager who loves to hangout. New cafes don't really matter. haha. Somehow, I can spend more of my time at home. I start to not prioritize friends who I don't really "see" being in my future. I was able to be even more bold of my priority, values, and things even in places where I can't before. I felt that I needed to always be able to speak up. It's my future anyway.
  
Parents. Sister. Family. I don't know how much year left I'd be able to spend with them everyday. Waking up in my bedroom on 2nd story of this house where there is also my sister's across the room and my parents downstairs. My mom cooking for me everyday, asking when I will take off to campus and when I will get home (which annoys me most of the time. I'm kind of a free spirit), and tries to always be patient with my fucking horrible attitude. My dad who is praying for us a lot, working hard, trying to make us happy while he's handling the tinnitus issue on his ears. My sister, who is happy and jumpy, who I become mean to everyday. Wow. Some short years from now, I don't know if I'd still see them everyday. And despite this scar inside me that I get from this home way back (It's over. But somehow the scars are still there. I'll tell you more about this later)  that becomes a trigger for my depressing bipolar and alter ego situation for most of the time in this house, I want to live in love everyday with them. It's hard since I get all explode-y most of the time, but hey, I gotta get over myself. I really do.

Spending? Well...... I'm still working on it. There's an increase in fear of excessive money usage though.

"Vampirism"? Well hello, old friend. Long time since the last use of this term. (For you who don't get this.....just try to keep up or simply think I'm one of those Vampire Diaries freaks. haha.) Being 20 somehow just sucks away that aspect. It's not gone gone, but somehow I didn't feel the strong need, the hope, the imaginations, and things. It feels like it's getting old. It's not that interesting anymore. More like "enough". The sweets doesn't look like it's sweet anymore. There's a craving in me; a void to be filled. I can never lie. It's in this phase of humanity I'm walking in. But, I knew that I gotta decide whether I would finally fulfill this phase or not in the future. If yes, well then I should start trying to be "human" soon. If no, well, just no. No need to. The void stings sometimes but I can handle it. This aspect is never my priority anyway.

Along with all of this changes inside, I found myself talking to seniors, esp. those graduated, consulting about what I should do next. They were mind-broadening sessions. I started to have more will to start preparing for that life after college. I came to a conclusion that there are some things I should start leaving behind, so that I can focus on the preparation before I become a real human in the real world. Tossed into the wild to strive and survive. A part of me is scared that all these good achievements that I got in college and high school won't be there in real life. Like it's gonna be different and that all that I did were just trials. I never knew what it's like in the real world, what's coming, will I still "shine" as I am right now because just maybe, it's only because my luck is still with me and actually can get away anytime. Maybe, I won't be as superhuman as now.

Gah. Thinking about this is never ending. It haunts me almost everyday.

Somehow it's scary, knowing you've lived 2 decades away from your birth. Realizing you're gonna be a single individual in a mad and wild world. But somehow it thrills to create something "bigger" than before. Maximizing yourself more.
Just; wow, I'm 20.