Just after I finished the big project (UC Art Night and Charity), thoughts started to rush back into my head, harder than before. The fact that I'm 20 become a big board inside my head. Maybe everyone experiences this.

I've been thinking about the future a lot. What would I do. Where would I be. It's still all blurry but I knew I should come up with something fast. It's 2 more years to graduation. I won't get any money from my parents so I should start saving and work something out for some bucks. Although one good thing happened, I was chosen in my campus and got a scholarship by Pembangunan Jaya in form of a decent amount of fresh money! Thank God, I never deserved this. I promised myself I would save it for a start up business. (Guess what, I'm already cooking a project :) ) When I'm thinking about it, He opens a way. Awesome.

In campus, somehow I felt maxed out. I already achieved what I needed to achieve. I promised myself to make my mark in this campus, well I did. It's done. No higher aims. I shone enough, time for the next generations to. It's funny. You don't only feel satisfied and proud, you can also feel sad, knowing that your target is achieved. Like you now need to go back to what life obliged you to do. Yes, normal college life. Well, with a touch of recognition from people. But..uh. Okay. Like, now what?

Other than that, social life. I'm less of a happy go lucky teenager who loves to hangout. New cafes don't really matter. haha. Somehow, I can spend more of my time at home. I start to not prioritize friends who I don't really "see" being in my future. I was able to be even more bold of my priority, values, and things even in places where I can't before. I felt that I needed to always be able to speak up. It's my future anyway.
  
Parents. Sister. Family. I don't know how much year left I'd be able to spend with them everyday. Waking up in my bedroom on 2nd story of this house where there is also my sister's across the room and my parents downstairs. My mom cooking for me everyday, asking when I will take off to campus and when I will get home (which annoys me most of the time. I'm kind of a free spirit), and tries to always be patient with my fucking horrible attitude. My dad who is praying for us a lot, working hard, trying to make us happy while he's handling the tinnitus issue on his ears. My sister, who is happy and jumpy, who I become mean to everyday. Wow. Some short years from now, I don't know if I'd still see them everyday. And despite this scar inside me that I get from this home way back (It's over. But somehow the scars are still there. I'll tell you more about this later)  that becomes a trigger for my depressing bipolar and alter ego situation for most of the time in this house, I want to live in love everyday with them. It's hard since I get all explode-y most of the time, but hey, I gotta get over myself. I really do.

Spending? Well...... I'm still working on it. There's an increase in fear of excessive money usage though.

"Vampirism"? Well hello, old friend. Long time since the last use of this term. (For you who don't get this.....just try to keep up or simply think I'm one of those Vampire Diaries freaks. haha.) Being 20 somehow just sucks away that aspect. It's not gone gone, but somehow I didn't feel the strong need, the hope, the imaginations, and things. It feels like it's getting old. It's not that interesting anymore. More like "enough". The sweets doesn't look like it's sweet anymore. There's a craving in me; a void to be filled. I can never lie. It's in this phase of humanity I'm walking in. But, I knew that I gotta decide whether I would finally fulfill this phase or not in the future. If yes, well then I should start trying to be "human" soon. If no, well, just no. No need to. The void stings sometimes but I can handle it. This aspect is never my priority anyway.

Along with all of this changes inside, I found myself talking to seniors, esp. those graduated, consulting about what I should do next. They were mind-broadening sessions. I started to have more will to start preparing for that life after college. I came to a conclusion that there are some things I should start leaving behind, so that I can focus on the preparation before I become a real human in the real world. Tossed into the wild to strive and survive. A part of me is scared that all these good achievements that I got in college and high school won't be there in real life. Like it's gonna be different and that all that I did were just trials. I never knew what it's like in the real world, what's coming, will I still "shine" as I am right now because just maybe, it's only because my luck is still with me and actually can get away anytime. Maybe, I won't be as superhuman as now.

Gah. Thinking about this is never ending. It haunts me almost everyday.

Somehow it's scary, knowing you've lived 2 decades away from your birth. Realizing you're gonna be a single individual in a mad and wild world. But somehow it thrills to create something "bigger" than before. Maximizing yourself more.
Just; wow, I'm 20.