Tuesday, August 28th 2018 |
Hello. I'm officially 24 as per yesterday.
I expected nothing much out of this year, because as much as I'd hate to admit it, we all say "just another year, another birthday". But that's why I decided to change it.
I decided to dare myself to do something I've been reluctant to do.
First of all, thank you for all the wishes put on LINE, Instagram DM, and even a lot of friends posted photos of me with their kind and thoughtful wishes. I am forever grateful. Grateful to know that my presence in this world somehow becomes a positive variable for you to share in socmed. It means a lot to me. It brightens my day. Behind all that positivity, there's something that's stuck in my unconscious. "Will they still see me the same way?"
It's a pity to almost always feel like people don't completely understand you. Especially when they're your closest people. To feel that "best friends" doesn't always go mutually because there are a certain part of you that you can't share. Some people regard me as what you call that: best friend, or close friend, or brother and yeah, as a social being, I comply with the scenario. But deep down, I know I can't feel the same way. You don't know me. How can I think of you that way?
But living for 24 years, with all the character progression that I've been through. Acceptance from my mom and sister, from a lot of friends since the beginning of the year. And the fact that I'm planning to move overseas soon. I decided, no more. No more leaving my close friends in the dark. No more letting them think I feel the same way about them when I don't. They deserve to know. And if they can't accept it, then it is what it is. Because just as they say, those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
And it goes the same to you who's reading this.
You're gonna know something about me that only a few valuable people in my life know. And if you're open enough to accept it, then we're all smiles. If you can't accept it or thinking about changing this part of me, just don't even bother. Believe me, I've been through that phase way longer than you think you will go through. Through dark pits and hell. Long enough to finally embrace it and find a way to love myself.
I have two good friends. One of them I've been good friend with for 8 years. Another one for 2 years, and we hang out a lot. They're as straight as ruler. (oh hey, welcome to the club now :) ) Sometimes they would make these homophobic jokes, which I usually make no response of. They never know, but they used to hurt me at first (your best friends, making jokes about your identity. how kind of them). But hey, growing up in this conservative society with wicked media representation of who you are just turns you into a steel, right. But that gave me this fear of letting them know this part of me.
I always hit myself with all sorts of questions like
- how will they react?
- will they see me the same way?
- will they start to avoid me?
- will they be scared of me because that's how the media suggest them to?
- will they perform an exorcism on me because I'm just a devil incarnate?
all these questions, made me decide to just leave them in the dark. I thought it's better not to let them know. What's the need to let them know anyway? Let's just play the daily scenarios and we'll be fine. But no. I start thinking of a bigger cause: I want my closest friends to know who I am, see for themselves how I'm the same person they know all along, and decide whatever the fuck they're going to decide. And moreover, the chance of letting them know the truth about us: we're humans like you. We're not that thoughtless, lustful, emotionally unstable being you see represented on the media.
At least if my good friends get to know me more as a person, as a human, as their good friend.
I hope they can stand for me and people like me.
From this brutal, hateful, judgemental society who deprive people of their life choices for the sake of their own versions of "rightgeousness".
All those thoughts, and there I did. I told them about my sexuality. How I've been afraid to tell them. How it feels bad to not be able to think of them as best friends just as they do. How the media and the "divine" community created that inhuman image of us. And how now I feel glad I can feel accepted for who I am.
"You're still my brother."
Those words were one of the most meaningful words I've ever heard in my life. They accepted me for who I am, just like the people before them. But what made it more meaningful was that, as a full-pledged heterosexuals (who I consider not open at first) they decided not to look at me the way the media looks at me, but the same way they see me all this time. Thank you Yoko, thank you Jay. You two made my birthday.
And by officially coming out in my blog, I want to say thank you all the people that accepted me for who I am. That are open enough to let me be brave and tell you who I am. I can never thank you enough. You made my world a better place, a liveable place to live in. You gave me hope. Happiness. And gratitude words can never fathom.
To Mom. To my sister. To Lia. Samantha. Joditha. Ipin. Inez. Abel. Indira. Gaboy. Suryadi. Bayu. Donna. Ste. Atin. Andrian. Reivaldi. Silpong. Zendy. Bon. Lim. Levi. Ko Leo. Eric Theddy. Beta. Risandy. Sylvia. Edog. Myra. Peter. Silvi. Hanol. Pak Andrian Liem. Dela. Kevin. Gilbert. Tara. Danny. Caroline. Feli. Marbel. Opel. And many more.
I hope life gives you happiness in your journey throughout.
