Reinhard Gouw's Journal

It's near the end of the year and I'm getting reflections of this year.

I read my posts throughout this year and learned something that I've been realizing these days: "Beware of what you wish for".

My 2013 resolution was to be a rebel. I even named my first post "The Year of Rebel". That''s the start of the new me. Throughout the year, I can find myself realizing that I was changing, little by little.
On March, I started fearing being unable to draw a line between bold and cocky. I also started to post bad things.
On April, I started knowing Alton Tam. An alter ego that I created to separate my bad self of going too far in the rebel thing. I realized that there are negative sides of being who I wanted to be.
On June, I realized that it's getting worse and I started constructing myself too bold and too tough. I also realized that my resolutions came true. I'm bold and a rebel. I also woke up as Steven and realized that being Alton was horrible.
And just on November, I found out that having alter ego wasn't only my made up delusion. A psychotest revealed that I actually have an alter ego.

Another than being too much of a rebel, having alter egos, and lowered my grade for this semester, I also changed myself into something else. A vampire.

Yes, not that literal vampire. That "vampire" I always talked about. I am now being someone I've always and never wanted to be. I can see myself walking right on the path I've always tried to avoid these past 3 years. It feels awesome. It feels horrible. I failed many people, the "vampire" friends I tried to motivate not to be one, my close people, myself.

A few days ago just before Christmas, I read my old writings on Christmas. I was that one who's always excited about resolutions and good changes for Christmas. Good wishes not only for myself but also for a lot of people. And I couldn't find any single word to say for this year. I'm not that guy anymore.

Have you ever had a moment in your life when you look back and realized that you lost some part of yourself on the way, and decided to get it back, just to turn the wheel around?

And just as Christmas passes. I realized that I miss myself. I miss the old me. The 2012, or even the 2011 one. I can't find that guy who always wanted to inspire others. I can't find that guy who has good quotes. I can't find that guy who loves peace. I can't find that guy who cares about his college just a little too much. I can't find that wise guy. I can't find that super friendly guy. I can't find that inspiring guy. I can't find that fresh and patient guy who never gets too reactive when someone said something out of different values. I can't find him anymore. And I want him back.

Wanting the old me back can be a major part of 2014 resolution. But it doesn't mean that it's the worst year of my life. There are a lot of things I can be grateful for other than those personality issues. Now let's change the angle and see from the positive sides.

Wanting to stop being a rebel at the end of the year, I start to learn that some things are better left unsaid, because people just don't really give a shit. Some people just don't care about our values and our feelings. That's called close-minded people. Explaining and arguing with them can be a huge waste of time so save some energy for yourself. Learn to be the one who shuts up and try to understand them just for awhile. You'll know when the right time comes and gives you space to speak up. Or maybe even change your mind.

As we grow older, old bruises between friends and families can really heal. That's because time let's us know that they were just a ridiculousness of the past, and everyone learns from life. We just need to believe that time can change someone, them, and yourself to be better; therefore you can make amends.

Do you know that I hate love? I hate love, or even being in love. I still do. It will hurt, it will make you worry about losing, it will make you feel the happiest feeling but also able to make you experience the worst, it makes it hard to see someone objectively, it makes it hard to sleep when some matters come up, and it will make you wanna change yourself for someone.
Bad news is, I still love anyway.

I get all the best and worst things from loving someone.
It taught me to  hold your emotions and feelings for someone else's happiness. Even when you're not happy, be happy for them. I also learned that it's painful for me because I was always that "perfect" guy. I was always too egoist and bold.
I also start to learn to appreciate time with the people you love, because it's not coming back.
I learned dealing with my mistrust.

I thought I was going to have to face this and change myself just for that someone.  But then I start getting used to it, and tried to apply to my family. It works and it starts changing my attitude towards them to be better. I started learning to love them more. And I started learning that no matter how much I try to escape from them, I need them. I even get the opportunity to reconcile and make amends with people who hurted me. Thank you.

I learned sacrificing. I learned to be neat in money. I learned that I need to learn to manage time better.
I learned some valuable things despite some bad feelings that I should feel, like having to let go of my strong toughness and stubbornness, having to feel awkward for things I've never done before, and other things.
Maybe some say it's not much of a "love" for us but I'm glad that even in the most ruined ruins, we still find some valuable diamonds.





And from these things and every other things that I learned and faced in 2013. I want these resolutions of 2014 to happen. Simpler ones.


1. Be a major life learner again
2. Achieve mindfulness and self-control
3. Better relationship with close people
also some little things: save money better, better college life, and exercise routinely.

Alongside that, reducing my toughness layer by layer. Bold but not cocky, yet not a YESman.
 
Balance everything in my life.

I believe that these resolutions can happen like it did for me this year.
Beware of the power of statement.

WHAT'S YOURS?
Turn your life around now.

First holiday post.

I spent most of my holiday in Surabaya since I traveled too much already in these past 2 years. This month I go to my house Batu back and forth. With my friends and also family, and spending my Christmas there. And still lost of where I should be spending my new years eve at. Well that's holiday plan this month.
Next month I'll be going to Lombok for 4D3N with my parents. It's gonna be my first time there so I guess I should try to enjoy.

Lame chitchats about my holiday, but here are more coming. I spend most of the time drive my sister and my mom around. Well considering I've always been a superbusy guy 2000whatever when campus is on, this is what I should be doing! haha. Other than that, I just hang around town with some of the guys left here. I tried reading a book from Mitch Albom but I think I'm not in the mood to read productively.

I also hone myself up during the holiday.
Saving money. Maintaining a better relationship with family. Grooming myself to look younger. Exercising.

Enough for the holiday news.

I got my study result card this semester and the score decreased quite much. 1st semester I got 3.92. 2nd semester it's down to 3.86. Now it's lower. 3.52.
It's not really satisfying for me since it takes off the label "highest score" from me. I'm not the guy with the highest score in my class anymore. Well I made peace with that saying that it's not what I should be chasing. But a disappointment's disappointing.
The semester's kinda rough for me: the subjects came in a higher level (freaking biopsychology, citizenship class being taught by an old-fashioned lecturer I didn't expect, blah blah), and I am still trying to balance between my newly added aspect of life and the other existing aspects.
Well it happened. This semester was quite challenging. No used crying over spilled milk. I am clearly not taking full SKS next semester. I will miss one class. I need more space of time.

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"Have you ever loved someone so much that you started hating them 'cause they make you wanna change yourself for them, but you actually did because in the end, you still love them?"

I thought I was so flawless.
The bad news is, I decided to try to change my "perfect" self.
And I believe that these changes are gonna make me not only a better guy for you, but also a better human in life. Thank you for making me learn.

I learn to control my ego, my emotion, and be happy for your (others') happiness. I learn to get a hold of myself, to not be so egoist. I learn to cope with my mistrust and trust you (others) more. I learn that I'm not always right, and that I'm not the guy with the perfect mind, and it hurts like hell.
I learn that as time goes, we find our difference and incompatibilities even more, and it sometimes makes me feel like losing the old us, but then I find that we can figure out how to deal with that, and that it leads to a stronger bond.
I learn that I start needing you instead of just wanting you.
I learn that I can't imagine how it would be when that time comes.

Been reading Elisabeth Santoso's blog, and I found one post that somehow depicts me and this blog world of mine.

I used to write a lot of posts, and now it's not that much. It used to be inspiration posts, now it's lamer when I read it. You know that "to live is to inspire" used to be a tagline of this blog. I had this big dream of inspiring people with me and my way of thinking. I also want to make pieces of my life that I share here motivate readers to be better. It's not me losing that dream. It's me losing the courage to.

As I realize, this year I started turning into someone else. I turned to be the "rebel" and "bold" guy that I created as my 2013 resolution. I succeeded, but it gets too far. I got this Alton Tam alter ego. Well, at first I thought it's just me and my drama. But then I was informed that my psycho test result revealed that I actually have an alter ego. It's not in the worst state when I don't recognize the other me, I don't lose time unaware of being someone else I don't know. No. I am me all the time, it's just sometimes that Alton steps in and changed my ways of thinking. When I'm Alton, i clearly have different mind and do things differently. Then when I get back to myself, I would think "Did I really do that? Why did it happened? I shouldn't have done that".

Having this new mind and personality does bring good things to me. I stopped being a YESMAN. I learned more of how to speak up. But it brings bad things as well. I become rude. I curse sometimes. In the end, I feel that I'm worse than the person that I was before. This feeling made the presumably guilty feeling if I continue trying to inspire. How can I inspire if I'm bad? Wouldn't that be so hypocrite of me?

Just then, I feel like I need to stand up from this blocking ground. All these time writing a blog doesn't mean that I'm already a person with the best mindset in the world. I'm not the best guy 2000 and whatever. I'm only sharing my way of thinking. And it doesn't need being good or bad. People have their own values, and it's OK for everyone to share theirs. I may be not the best or worst guy in the world, but these posts that I'm writing are pieces of my life. Some maybe will help you be better, and some maybe not. In the end you're the one to evaluate whether something is good for you to take and something is not. Maybe my whole blog world is good or bad for your life, maybe only some is good and some are bad. You decide. I only share my tale.

The whole point of life for me is trying to be a better person. Make life useful in ways possible and help others when able. It's not about being the best, it's about giving the best of you. So let's just share together and support each other. Would you? Everyone around you watches your life. Speak up, be heard. Everyone can inspire in their own ways.

Hidup kita memiliki 3 rentang waktu. Dulu, kini, dan nanti; atau yang lebih indah disebut masa lalu, sekarang, dan masa depan. Ketiga masa ini yang menjadi lembar tempat kita menuliskan petualangan hidup kita.

Yang sudah kita tulis? Masa lalu. Baik maupun buruk, masa ini telah menjadi bagian dari keseluruhan petualangan hidup kita. Kita tidak dapat mengubah masa lalu. Kita juga tidak dapat memintanya kembali. Biarlah masa lalu tinggal di halaman belakang. Jika ada yang buruk, marilah kita menimbunnya dengan kebaikan yang masih dapat kita buat. Bila ada yang lebih baik dari masa kini, biarlah kita menjadikannya sebagai acuan dan yakinlah bahwa kita masih dapat menciptakan masa yang seindah atau lebih baik dari itu.

Yang belum kita tulis? Masa depan. Lembar kosong, tempat menabur mimpi, halaman yang mungkin telah kita rencanakan. Terkadang masa itu menakutkan, terkadang masa itu adalah pendorong dari apa yang kita lakukan sekarang. Kita tidak tahu apa yang akan terjadi di depan, oleh karena itu memikirkan kerangka dan mempersiapkannya memang jalan yang baik agar cerita kita dapat tertulis sesuai keinginan kita.

Bagaimana dengan masa kini?
Seringkali kita melupakan masa kini. Kita terlalu sibuk mengingat masa lalu, ataupun memikirkan masa depan. Jiwa kita terlepas dari tubuh kita, dan kita bergerak dengan pikiran kita semata. Masa lalu dan depan memang adalah penarik dan pendorong dari kita, namun ingatlah bahwa tubuh kita sedang memijak di masa kini. Janganlah jiwa kita tertarik keluar dari tubuh kita karena tarikan dan dorongan tersebut. Biarlah diri kita berdiri secara utuh di tengah.

Pejamkanlah mata sejenak.
Bernafaslah, rasakanlah udara yang mengalir melalui hidungmu.
Rasakan bagian tubuhmu yang memijak di bumi. Rasakanlah keberadaanmu. Kamu berada di sini sekarang. Dengan segala keberadaanmu.
Kamu berada dalam dirimu. Dan dirimu berada dalam kendalimu.
Ingatlah orang-orang yang berada di sekelilingmu. Orang-orang yang berarti.
Sekaranglah saatnya merasakan hal-hal kecil yang dapat kamu rasakan.
Baik, buruk, mungkin kamu tidak akan merasakannya lagi di depan.
Tidak ada yang tahu. Mungkin suatu saat kamu akan merindukannya.
Nikmatilah apa yang dapat kamu rasakan itu saat ini, dan dengan dirimu yang utuh, jalanilah kekinian.
Kekinian yang indah.

It's October already. I've been acting aimlessly for these past few months. And I realize that it is time for a change. I need to focus more on things I need to work on. College life, dance life, even self-improving time. It is also a time to being wiser on spending. And also the effort to try to be better with a lot of my aspects of life.

Today I came to a contemplation that all this time I was seeing myself blindly. I am not as much as who I expected. I thought I was that good, I thought it was reasonable for me to be so proud of myself. But the truth is, I'm not that good. Deep down I felt that I realized this a long time ago, it was just me trying to close my eyes to this.

Often, I felt like life was being too good to me. That I was that lucky guy, I succeeded in many things I wanted and even things that everybody wanted, I felt that it was mostly easy for me. It happened most of the time, and it made me feel special. I had my self efficacy rose high. I trusted myself too much. I was being too prideful.

Now I opened my eyes more. All along I knew that I was pursuing my existential. I want people to know me. And the so called luck helped me. My works, my eager to achieve are sometimes based on this motive. The motive that was invented by the bullying I had when I was in middle school. I want people to see that I'm not that guy anymore, that I've changed even that I'm a lot better than them now. I achieve much. I handle things good in my way. I believed that. That saved my self image. The only problem is that it gets out of line. I got arrogant and over optimistic. I forget that I'm not perfect. I still have many flaws. I can be wrong.

When you expect too much of yourself, you also get disappointed much. If you want to be something, just give yourself as your best shot. If you don't get what you want, maybe you're not made for that. Maybe you're made for something else that's more "you" out there. Let life forces decide where you belong. Don't be too ambitious for something. Want, but never get obsessed. Wish for ideal things, but never forget the reality. Let go. Don't hold on to something too strong.

I guess being lucky, being easy was just bonuses. Bonuses don't happen all the time, right? I shouldn't see myself as the super potential. If it's time for bonus let it happen. In case it's not, well let's just make this real and work the ass off.

No wonder people who the religion considers as sinners hate religions so much.

The so called divine judgement. Some people in the world of religion, the ones the society consider as "high" people dare to talk about things they don't understand. They bring up one case, contemplate on their religious books for it, and make preachings out of it. OK, I believe they've been praying for it. Maybe it came out of the divine world. Maybe it's from The Above. But what if the preachings start to judge the people they call sinners in a terribly wrong way?

The day before yesterday I went to a church and the preacher talked about the LGBTs. The preachings were supposedly OK as he was trying to build awareness in the people about the easiness of LGBT spreading in this globalization era. But honestly, I don't like the way he talks about LGBT. It's like they're not human, like they are not a part of the community. So he was saying jokes about them, making fun of them. The people laughed. I think that's not funny at all. If he knows that LGBT is now easy to find, why not consider they are in a part of the church and watch his preachings carefully? What if they heard themselves being made fun of, feel humiliated and isolated from the so called normal people? I think the church won't make such "healings" on LGBT if they keep doing this. LGBTs are humans. Not objects to be made fun of with judgings. They hear, they feel.

The other things that I feel wrong is that the preacher keeps giving facts that is false. He keeps giving datas that are not correct.
First, he says that LGBT is patently a product of the society. Don't leave your children out there unprotected and unwatched. That this era is so wrong. That it is even wronger that they foolishly fell to the deep dark space. Well from what I learn in psychology, mostly it is from the parents' way of developing the child. I think no one chose to be LGBT when they start their life. It could be from society, but it can also be caused by their parents. So who is to blame? Them for falling to the society? Why not considering that they are just a victim of wrong education that needs to be guided? Why make fun of them like it's all their fault.
The other thing that got me shocked is that he, loudly and boldly said that "THEY ARE NOT LIKE US". That moment, I disrespected the preaching instantly. He said that they are not normal, that they kill when they get jealous. Their emotions are magnified. Well what do you think they are, monsters? The LGBTs are normal humans and not included in the DSM, psychological book of mental disorders. They are just like us. They talk, act, think, feel like us. Their difference is only that they are attracted to the same sex. And I believe that this is what made the bad stereotyping of the society about LGBTs since the first time. "High" people creating those judgements. If the religion think it's a sin, well then guide them not to do that. Don't work on them like they are part of some curse. Just because they do a different type of sin that is attached with stupid paradigms created by some judging forces, doesn't mean they're monsters. Sins are sins. I believe they should be treated the same way.

The impression that I get is, the religion is judging too much without knowing the truths. I think those prejudices don't make things get better, they will only make the people they judge run away instead of listening. The worse is when the "high" people lay out wrong facts about something, saying it's divine knowledge. Well when it turns out to be wrong facts, it can really hurt many people. And this doesn't happen only to this LGBT example, maybe it happens to many other types of sins. If you know nothing don't judge anything.

I don't hate religion. I hate the way some of those "high" people works. "High" people maybe are chosen, but that doesn't mean they are perfect. Take the good, leave the bad. That way also you won't get disappointed too much if they make mistakes. They are humans. Being religious doesn't mean being a good human. Stop correlating religion to human values.

A lecturer said to me, religion and faith is two different things. In the end, it's between you and God, never between you and them. I agree. For me, I prefer to work on my faith. My personal relationship with The Above.

Well I'm not a religious type of person like I was. It's just me and my opinion on this happening case right now. We all have our own.

Maybe I loosen up too much. Maybe, I learned trusting too far. To them. To myself. All along, the insecure times are still there, like it's always been. It's the only thing constant in me even when I try to lower it. Mistrust issues. It might be a good warning for me, to put up the awareness like I always did.

I don't have to trust them so much. Words are futile. I don't have to trust myself so much. It's always foolish when it comes to this. I knew it all along. Yet I build up this careless move. Maybe I'm just like the others. I'm one of them anyway. That's why I should contemplate more on being this vampire.

That feeling, the moments before the mistrust issues appear, bursting like flames, beautifully flowing, along with the thorns of mistrust. I miss it.

I'm dropping waters for this thing, well it's been a while. And I don't know where to go.
Maybe it's all my fault.





Thank you for rewaking my awareness.

I chose to let go.
After what went on in the past month, I decided to close the door behind me and try to step for another one. Closing the door, there were emotions bursting in. Pain, sadness, confusion, regret, it feels like you're going to end every memories and lose it for good. Still, I dare to. Maybe it's for the better. I hope that it's not another wrong choice that I make.

Stepping on, everything is new for me. Because it's new, it also gives me the challenge to hold still to my awareness. I never decided to be like this. But somehow, I wanna let it pass in just for now. I decide to lower my wall a little. I decide to chill a little. I decide to open myself a little. I decide to be this guy. At least for now.

When I was younger, I asked my father
"Why are we so human?"
Now that I'm older
I think I figured it out
We're just doing what we can


This year has been the year of me trying to define myself. Bipolar, bold, rebel, everything. I start to realize that this thing that I've been doing changes me more into the definition I make. The more I declare it, the more I be. Because most of the time I wanna act and not just talk, talking about integrity. I don't fancy bluffing too much. In the end, your words can really change you. Mine did.

Sometimes my definition is just my idealism and it's not really who I am. Well, idealism is your wish and it feels glad to become the person you want to be. It's nice to do personal-construct.
As I reflect, I like to say that I'm constructing myself to be the toughest and boldest person that I can be. I see that day by day I turn bolder and bolder. I advance with a lot less thought about what other people say and think. I do things on my term more. I lead more. I organize more. I am more assertive. Well nicely working, the self that I was in high school is getting thinner. I changed.

But with it, I carry some bad news for me and for some people who have been around for a long time. I'm meaner, I'm rude, I'm reckless, I'm careless, I flare up a lot more. Less humanity. I think that this is the price that I have to pay to learn and be this guy. I've been hurting a lot of people who's known me long before this change. Bad thing is, I don't really care like I used to. "Take me or leave me" is taking toll of me. They judge me a lot and I often think that they underestimate, that they don't understand that I'm bad because I'm better.

I guess this is just a process for me. It's just another youth thing. I'm still learning. Maybe someday I'll be able to cope the bad news and just bring the bold thing cleaner. It doesn't feel too good to hurt people, and it's worse to know that your family is included. I think that's why I created Alton in the first place. To separate between me and this bad news.

The big question is, if in the future I get my idealism changed, will I regret becoming this person? Will I try to change again to another one? Then if it works that way, how about the guy who I really am? How do you understand the gap between idealism and nature?

Who knows if everything that I just write is another idealism of mine.
Someday we'll laugh at all these things we say about ourselves.