It's near the end of the year and I'm getting reflections of this year.

I read my posts throughout this year and learned something that I've been realizing these days: "Beware of what you wish for".

My 2013 resolution was to be a rebel. I even named my first post "The Year of Rebel". That''s the start of the new me. Throughout the year, I can find myself realizing that I was changing, little by little.
On March, I started fearing being unable to draw a line between bold and cocky. I also started to post bad things.
On April, I started knowing Alton Tam. An alter ego that I created to separate my bad self of going too far in the rebel thing. I realized that there are negative sides of being who I wanted to be.
On June, I realized that it's getting worse and I started constructing myself too bold and too tough. I also realized that my resolutions came true. I'm bold and a rebel. I also woke up as Steven and realized that being Alton was horrible.
And just on November, I found out that having alter ego wasn't only my made up delusion. A psychotest revealed that I actually have an alter ego.

Another than being too much of a rebel, having alter egos, and lowered my grade for this semester, I also changed myself into something else. A vampire.

Yes, not that literal vampire. That "vampire" I always talked about. I am now being someone I've always and never wanted to be. I can see myself walking right on the path I've always tried to avoid these past 3 years. It feels awesome. It feels horrible. I failed many people, the "vampire" friends I tried to motivate not to be one, my close people, myself.

A few days ago just before Christmas, I read my old writings on Christmas. I was that one who's always excited about resolutions and good changes for Christmas. Good wishes not only for myself but also for a lot of people. And I couldn't find any single word to say for this year. I'm not that guy anymore.

Have you ever had a moment in your life when you look back and realized that you lost some part of yourself on the way, and decided to get it back, just to turn the wheel around?

And just as Christmas passes. I realized that I miss myself. I miss the old me. The 2012, or even the 2011 one. I can't find that guy who always wanted to inspire others. I can't find that guy who has good quotes. I can't find that guy who loves peace. I can't find that guy who cares about his college just a little too much. I can't find that wise guy. I can't find that super friendly guy. I can't find that inspiring guy. I can't find that fresh and patient guy who never gets too reactive when someone said something out of different values. I can't find him anymore. And I want him back.

Wanting the old me back can be a major part of 2014 resolution. But it doesn't mean that it's the worst year of my life. There are a lot of things I can be grateful for other than those personality issues. Now let's change the angle and see from the positive sides.

Wanting to stop being a rebel at the end of the year, I start to learn that some things are better left unsaid, because people just don't really give a shit. Some people just don't care about our values and our feelings. That's called close-minded people. Explaining and arguing with them can be a huge waste of time so save some energy for yourself. Learn to be the one who shuts up and try to understand them just for awhile. You'll know when the right time comes and gives you space to speak up. Or maybe even change your mind.

As we grow older, old bruises between friends and families can really heal. That's because time let's us know that they were just a ridiculousness of the past, and everyone learns from life. We just need to believe that time can change someone, them, and yourself to be better; therefore you can make amends.

Do you know that I hate love? I hate love, or even being in love. I still do. It will hurt, it will make you worry about losing, it will make you feel the happiest feeling but also able to make you experience the worst, it makes it hard to see someone objectively, it makes it hard to sleep when some matters come up, and it will make you wanna change yourself for someone.
Bad news is, I still love anyway.

I get all the best and worst things from loving someone.
It taught me to  hold your emotions and feelings for someone else's happiness. Even when you're not happy, be happy for them. I also learned that it's painful for me because I was always that "perfect" guy. I was always too egoist and bold.
I also start to learn to appreciate time with the people you love, because it's not coming back.
I learned dealing with my mistrust.

I thought I was going to have to face this and change myself just for that someone.  But then I start getting used to it, and tried to apply to my family. It works and it starts changing my attitude towards them to be better. I started learning to love them more. And I started learning that no matter how much I try to escape from them, I need them. I even get the opportunity to reconcile and make amends with people who hurted me. Thank you.

I learned sacrificing. I learned to be neat in money. I learned that I need to learn to manage time better.
I learned some valuable things despite some bad feelings that I should feel, like having to let go of my strong toughness and stubbornness, having to feel awkward for things I've never done before, and other things.
Maybe some say it's not much of a "love" for us but I'm glad that even in the most ruined ruins, we still find some valuable diamonds.





And from these things and every other things that I learned and faced in 2013. I want these resolutions of 2014 to happen. Simpler ones.


1. Be a major life learner again
2. Achieve mindfulness and self-control
3. Better relationship with close people
also some little things: save money better, better college life, and exercise routinely.

Alongside that, reducing my toughness layer by layer. Bold but not cocky, yet not a YESman.
 
Balance everything in my life.

I believe that these resolutions can happen like it did for me this year.
Beware of the power of statement.

WHAT'S YOURS?
Turn your life around now.