It's October already. I've been acting aimlessly for these past few months. And I realize that it is time for a change. I need to focus more on things I need to work on. College life, dance life, even self-improving time. It is also a time to being wiser on spending. And also the effort to try to be better with a lot of my aspects of life.

Today I came to a contemplation that all this time I was seeing myself blindly. I am not as much as who I expected. I thought I was that good, I thought it was reasonable for me to be so proud of myself. But the truth is, I'm not that good. Deep down I felt that I realized this a long time ago, it was just me trying to close my eyes to this.

Often, I felt like life was being too good to me. That I was that lucky guy, I succeeded in many things I wanted and even things that everybody wanted, I felt that it was mostly easy for me. It happened most of the time, and it made me feel special. I had my self efficacy rose high. I trusted myself too much. I was being too prideful.

Now I opened my eyes more. All along I knew that I was pursuing my existential. I want people to know me. And the so called luck helped me. My works, my eager to achieve are sometimes based on this motive. The motive that was invented by the bullying I had when I was in middle school. I want people to see that I'm not that guy anymore, that I've changed even that I'm a lot better than them now. I achieve much. I handle things good in my way. I believed that. That saved my self image. The only problem is that it gets out of line. I got arrogant and over optimistic. I forget that I'm not perfect. I still have many flaws. I can be wrong.

When you expect too much of yourself, you also get disappointed much. If you want to be something, just give yourself as your best shot. If you don't get what you want, maybe you're not made for that. Maybe you're made for something else that's more "you" out there. Let life forces decide where you belong. Don't be too ambitious for something. Want, but never get obsessed. Wish for ideal things, but never forget the reality. Let go. Don't hold on to something too strong.

I guess being lucky, being easy was just bonuses. Bonuses don't happen all the time, right? I shouldn't see myself as the super potential. If it's time for bonus let it happen. In case it's not, well let's just make this real and work the ass off.