I told you I'd be telling you about something going on in the term "home" for me, so here goes. Luckily, I'm in the mood for some storytelling.

So way back then, I was the innocent kid you'd find on the block, weak, soft, crybaby. I was everything fragile. I have only 3 of my favorite people in the world: mom, dad, and my sister. They love me so much. My mom and dad never bother about my scores in school like any other studs' parents. Even so, I had great scores. I even ranked 3 once. (Yes, only once. Well, smart enough...yeah..well..) I was that bright and sunny kid.

I hate sports, I even have traumatic events with it. Running practice which was almost every week made me wanna die. I was so anxious of that weakness. It made it so hard having friends, especially boys. Well, I have 2 best friends who were boys but I have more girl friends. It made me turn to a ladyboy wearing wig and fake boobs. Yes, I'm kidding. But I did talk and act like girls. Soft, weak, puny, big emotion variable. Some friends told me that I behaved like girls. I started to become shy and questioning this.

So I came and asked my mom one time, "Ma, temen-temen bilang aku kayak cewek. Iya ta ma?" then my mom told me that it's not right. I loved my mom more than anything, and I believed in her. But friends in school kept telling me that, and I saw myself suck in sports while other boys did well. Moreover, cousin. I never wanted to spend the night at my cousin's house when I was little. I was never separable from my mom. But at a point, I started to try doing so and eventually spend time occasionally staying in my cousin's. But turned out that it has quite a bad effect.

So they are boys and was an extreme opposite pole of me. They love sports, and cars, and everything. My aunt was always telling me to behave like real boys. Like them. We started to become compared, here and there. I believe that time I was nothing but a piece of shit compared to them. I was nothing. She started telling my mom to educate me better. To raise me better. My mom then followed, she started telling me to behave more like boys. I was embarrassed. Not only because of the fact that I was like girls for everyone, but also that my mom who I loved thought the same way. Since then, I always tried to "be a boy". I tried liking sports even though I hate them (well not really, I was quite a fast swimmer and I do well at badminton, but not for sports with balls.). I pretended to watch football. I pretended to know things about cars. I pretended that I like to play them, that I had experiences. As I did so, I got more and more embarrassment. Got hit by balls on the head when trying so hard to be a keeper, and things. I made fun of myself by trying so fucking hard to do it, and it was miserable to remember.

I started to have this bad self-image. I couldn't get myself to snatch new friends and wouldn't talk first. I lied here and there about me and my family's wealth. I lied about everything. I told everyone I was rich in fact of the still struggling financial condition of my family that time. Unconsciously, I never admitted any of my weakness, because I was too scared that people would know that I'm that pathetic. I was nothing. Although, in the elementary school I was still enjoying my life with those 2 best friends and also other good friends. However, things got worse when I entered junior high school. A lot worse.

(to be continued)