"So I should start doing things differently from now on. Get up, run , smash doors, hit people face-on, and defy everything inside me that prevents me from making my mark in this big world. I am the one to control my whole life. No negativity in can stand in my way. LET THE DEFIANCE BEGIN."

Like season, I guess my life changes too. The vibe is different for me nowadays. I remembered saying to some of my closest friends that I thought my life was too smooth. Everything was OK, it’s never saddening, and things. Now I think the theme is changing. The wheel of life is turning. It is a season for me to learn many things, not just from my happiness but also my sadness."

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Hello there.
This year is the most different year of my life. It's the hardest and the loneliest one. This whole year, life's been smacking me down over and over again. I had never been so crazy before, as I was at some points of this year. I guess it was my bad I challenged it. "Life was too smooth", I said last year. Now? It proved to me that it's not as easy.

I thought I was the guy who would always stay positive, stay on top, stay inspiring in my daily life. I also said "no negativity can stand in my way" when this year started. Well, look at me now. I am not that guy anymore. I am not the guy I wish I'd stay being. I've been seing the dark reality about life and it's saddening that I can't hope like I always did before. I feel like I turned dark and it's not easy to see any real light. Not from me.

I miss smiling and feeling comfortable in my own home. Too bad I ruined that by being ignorant to my own family. I miss going on a trip together, I miss being sung "Bilur-Nya" to on the side of the bed when I have fever, I miss believing the goodness in this place. I miss not having to fear losing strong pillars of love and support. But it looks like it's too late. I took too much of the goodness for granted. And now it became a part of me that is now gone.

But now, I've been trying to accept things as they are. It was a pleasant memory. At least it happened. At least I felt the warmth, at least I can remember being there together, at least I knew how being inside a beautiful little family is, in that small home, playing balloons with dad and sleeping aside mom. God, I miss them. But it's time to move on.

I know that I've changed. I'm not that bright guy anymore. I'm not that one to inspire, also not the one with good religious head. I am Reinhard Budiman in a different way. I hope someday that bright guy will spark again inside of me. And while he might be in a coma, I would not self-destruct myself like cabe-cabeans do.

Well to be honest, I tried to. At a point, I said I gave up. I gave up being good. I gave up looking forward to a good future. I gave up being positive. I gave up holding on to the light. But a good buddy of mine caught me and said to me, "don't fall now". Then I realized, I didn't want to destroy myself. I didn't want to destroy it all.




So out of this dark and gloomy place, I'd like to announce a little good news: I still have a little light of positiveness to set a New Year's Resolution. Yay. I've only accomplished one out of three resolutions that I set for 2015: earning my personal financial income. I would be sorry and feel bad about myself but I think I'd cut some slack instead. I've been dealing with bad things, and it's only normal that I got startled, I guess? Then I lost focus. Whatever.

Anyway, I still believe in New Year. I always do, and this is what I'm not willing to lose. The chance to start over. I believe in starting over. And now, let's accept this condition of mine with peace, and chase these more technical life resolutions:

1. DANCE
- Join an international dance competition.
- Improve freestyle (each week practice, probably after skripsi).
- Watch more dance videos (at least an hour a week).

2. LIFE, iNK
- Join a bazaar with 3-4 more products ready.
- At the end of the year, business capital case closed and able to produce independently.

3. FAMILY
- Mark every Sunday as family days and prioritize them.
- Buy sweets for mom & dad once in a while when I go out.

4. PHYSICAL
- Join a bodybuilding course.
- Sleep better (11.00 max, & minimum 6 hours)
- Go check up at dentist and ENT specialist on January and July.
- More fruits! (eat fruits often in a week)

5. COLLEGE
- Graduate with cummulative GPA between 3.80-4.00
- Apply and get international scholarship in Project Management. (any ideas?)

6. PERSONAL
- Read books (5 hours/week)
- Pursue Delay of Gratification and Mindfulness.

6 aspects. Not as transcend and abstract as the previous years, but I think I need a more technical ones like this while pulling myself up. I will keep holding on to the smallest light inside of me, so when life turns back up, I'd be in a proper condition to bounce back.

I am doing this. And I hope that life would be nicer next year.




Have you set yours?

Happy New Year 2016, everyone!
Good luck for your resolutions.