"Hope is the only thing stronger than fear".

I think it's been years since the last time I felt this feeling.
It's an emphasized feeling of fear.

Just until weeks ago, I was still able to be proud of myself. That I wasn't scared with anything. I could handle everything. I said that I would always be secure because I have a lot of people, that I was well-known enough to always have walls where I could hide myself behind. But now it feels like nothing.

I know this is happening to wake me up. It is happening to make me realize, that I am not secure at all. People around me will come and go and they won't always be able to shield me up. I'm not strong enough with these human shields I always rely on. They're probably even just my made-up delusion. I am another human being standing alone.

I remember how I still brag about my abilities, how I can dance well, how I can speak in front of audience, how I can handle many things quite well, how I was always the special guy, how I was just capable of everything and that nothing can stop me. Now I know I never had those things. They're only His richness that He entrusted in me. And here I am, bragging around with it like they're all mine.

Well, if this fear really has to happen. I hope that it doesn't hit anybody else other than myself. Everything happened because of me and because I lacked of attention. I over trusted myself and didn't listen to them. I hope they're OK and it's me who should face this consequences.

I hope it doesn't have to happen. But then again, I won't be punished enough.
If it has to be, I don't want them to be hurt. Let it be upon me.
Let me learn one or a couple things and be better than before.
If I made enough mistake for this, let it be.
Just, please protect them. Protect me.
I only hope there's still a chance there somewhere.
I hope that You tell me what to do now so I can face this right.