Sunday, June 30th 2019 |

(Link to my latest post on Medium: https://medium.com/@reinhardgouw/start-small-c4c9141e0315)

It's been four months since I arrived in Melbourne. It feels like forever. So many things have happened. I finished my first semester at Monash University, I got in and out of job- twice, and I got a teaching slot in a dance studio. To be honest? It's getting harder.

The first three months felt like it was a holiday. Everything felt so new. I started to create this scheme and define this city, or so to say, this new life that I have here in Melbourne. But then, up to this point everything has been crystalizing. And when I reflect upon myself, I feel like I started losing a sense of purpose.

To be fair, I admit that the main story has been about dance. I plotted a lot of things, set a lot of goals around this aspect of life. It's been my number one priority, even when I started looking for jobs. I blocked some work availability schedule for dance and that got me to rejection in some places. For all I know, dance has always been my home, and it's the first thing that made me feel comfortable here in this country; it gave me the warmest welcome by offering so many opportunities, so many connections. I even found some of the greatest friends here through dance. The dance scene made me feel accepted, acknowledged, appreciated. Being a newcomer, it's really a privilege for me to feel this close to home just by dancing. And I will always be grateful for this gift.

But on the other side, I put my uni and work life below it, despite of the fact that they were the reasons I went to Australia in the first place. Well, to be honest, my main reason was just to press the restart button. Frankly saying, to run away. To reinvent, recreate, redefine myself. Boy, teaching dance overseas? It was one of my dream and it's happening. Right now. But I lost sense of focus. I forgot that reinventing, recreating, redefining myself really don't mean I'll be doing the same thing and expanding myself in that area. I guess it means more about expanding myself in other areas too.

Dance has always been the greatest story of my life. It took me to places, connected me to people, experiences once I could only wish for in life. It gave me confidence, happiness, contentment. But I think it's also the time for me to seek these in other aspects of life that I can pursue too. It's time for me to put more attention and nurture the other things that I want to do in life. Things that might even be bigger than myself.

So, just as news, I just got a scholarship from Deakin University, the same major, Communications. The difference is, it's gonna be more practical and the units feel more familiar to me than the ones they have at Monash. So I decided to accept the offer as it is also generally cheaper than finishing my study at Monash. I'm seeing this as a restart button, as the scholarship means I have to pursue certain standard in my academic performance and also be actively engaged in the uni activities (as they also give the scholarship awardees the opportunity to join their excellence program, some kinda mentorship in leadership and everything).

With all that's happening in my dance and work life, it might be fair to say that the universe is reminding me of my main purpose (even the only reason I'm able to stay) here in Australia. I want to expand myself doing and learning things I'm not used to. And see where it takes me. Even when it's uncomfortable. Even when it's challenging. Even when it feels like holding the steer of a car on your own for the first time.

As from what I've learnt this far, it's not easy. Feeling stupid becomes a normal thing. Loneliness. God, it's always there lurking. But as I read the messages that my closest people gave me before I go in form of letters, they always remind me that it's a process that I should embrace.

Process. How hard it is for me to let its meaning soak into my reasoning. Process is always intertwined with the variable of time. Process is always before result, and more importantly it's not result itself. It can be hard, daunting, and mostly uncomfortable. But most of the time, it's gonna be worthwhile. And that's what I should always remember; I should stop defining myself by the process. If anything, I should only define myself by my endurance, persistence, and hard work during the process. And gratitude all throughout the process of coming out the other end a better person.