Here I am. Finding myself in a position I'd never preferred.
I was stuck in a stupid game called love. I thought I'd outsmart it, but it seems that I'm a fool when it comes to that thing.

To put it simply, I am the kind of person that thinks when I feel right with someone, they'll feel the same way. I thought that the relationship will happen, just because I feel it's going to happen. I was blinded from the fact that the feeling comes from my own heart. And I can't always expect the other party to feel the same.

Yes, I am a kid at love and relationship. Once I feel that way, I'd give my everything to that person. Time, focus, energy, thoughts. I'd be thoughtful. Just enough to feel for them. I'd be caring, just enough to want to know them deeply. I'd be supportive, just enough for a real relationship. Even when that person doesn't do the same. Though I always expect mutual actions from them.

These past few months, I've been stumbling here and there. Trying to give my all to some people. And got disappointed, over and over. I've always thought: Why can't they do the same? Why don't they want to know about me as much as I want to know about them? Why don't they give support and encouragement as much as I give them? Why do I feel like I'm the only one interested in making this thing grow?

Then a friend said to me, "That's you. They are not you. You can't expect someone to love you the same exact way that you love them. People have their own way of showing it". That hit me like a hammer. I remembered myself coming across the same issue with my ex. I expected this and that. So then, I lowered my expectation. I started learning to stop wanting people to show their affection to me the way that I show them.

The problem is, while doing that, I maintained my part the same way. I did everything I could do just to make them feel comfortable, supported, and loved. And in the end, I find it a lot more tiring, and disappointing. I'm coming back to the understanding that they didn't match my capacity for love. They're not worthy of it.

Maybe I was just too fast. Maybe I should not put my energy so much into relatioship. I don't know. I acknowledge that I was lonely. I was looking for affection. Maybe I still am, thanks to this psychosocial stage of life. But I know that I need to learn to value myself more. And focus more on achievements. Relationship and love is just a thing that gets in the way. If humans don't feel so much, everything would be so much easier.